Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I really don't know where else I can go. None of my friends will listen to me. The ones that do just keep repeating the same thing, "You're husband a good person. You struck gold with him!" Well, I don't feel that way anymore, especially after this last weekend.
We have two children together (who will be 2 & 3 years old in October). We took the children on their first trip. It was just an overnight trip to Orlando. We went up with with our son's Godparents for their neice's Quinceanera. Granted, I was a little emotional and stressed before we event left (AF decided to pop in for her monthly visit just a couple of days before). What was supposed to be a relaxing, enjoyable trip turned into a frustrating mess.
We've been married for 3 years. For several months now I've been thinking that my husband is only with me for his green card. My dad wants me to just throw in the towel, take the children and leave. But I know if I do that, then I wouldn't have a legal recourse for child support or anything. This past weekend was kind of the last straw. As he does at every event we attend, he gets so drunk that I have to do everything. However, the Quince was a little different. As I mentioned, we went with our son's Godparents. Just when we arrived, our son threw up all over himself, me and the diaper bag just as I was headed to change him again (he had diarrhea since mid-day).
My husband knew I had forgotten to pack baby wipes. I had an emergency stash in the car, that he took out without my knowledge on God knows when. He said we would stop by a Walgreens or CVS to pick some up, since we also forgot the gift for the birthday girl. Did we? Nope. I had to run out in the middle of the party to pick some up. And since he was drunk AGAIN, I drove us back to the hotel. Now mind you, this is an area I am not familiar with. Although I had our son's Godfather to navigate, I was still a little uneasy about driving back. I hadn't slept decently since Wednesday night. Thursday and Friday, I slept maybe only 3 hours per night. My husband was fully aware of how exhausted I was, but proceeded to do what he wanted anyway. Then on the way back, he complained that I was driving too slow. When we were finally in our room, I just lost it. I think finding my purse completely with the contents all spilled out was the final trigger (he had throw it across the van to get it out of his way).
I have asked him what his intentions are, but a colleague told me that if he is just using me for a green card, he won't tell me the truth. The family of our son's Godparents see us as one of them. I was constantly asked at the party and afterwards whether I like to drink or even dance. Our daughter (who will be 3) wanted to dance with me at the party. Between the constant running to the bathroom with our son and not getting any rest, I had no energy for anything (not even to eat). I was very content just sitting there watching the children run around, having fun.
Everyone who knows us only sees a happy family; they don't see what goes on at home. As I'm very familiar with, appearances can be deceiving. My dad is constantly bringing up my ex, and comparing the two, which doesn't help one bit. I never had any issue with my husband's behavior until my dad started comparing him to my ex. But now I can't shake the feeling that he's just using me for a green card.
He changed after our son was born. Our son's Godfather heard our argument at the hotel Saturday night. He didn't specifically say anything to me, but at the "after" brunch he kind of commented that HE should check with me first. I can't be certain if he was referring to my husband or my son. At the time, our son was playing in the cool where all the beer was and kept taking out the cans.
We met at my job in December 2012. He was one of the contractors that was on an extensive restoration project we were doing on the building. We hadn’t been together for very long at all when I got pregnant, the first time. I was on BC when I got pregnant again. It was ineffective with my epilepsy medication. He was very insistent on starting the process to file for his green card immediately after we were married. Even went so far as to hire the very first lawyer we consulted with. That really worked out well….3 years later, and all we’ve accomplished is a denial on an application that never should’ve been filed in the first place. Without notifying us or even sending our documents back, our lawyer closed the case, then retired 2 months later.
It’s now Wednesday, and he still hasn’t spoken to me about what he remembers from that night he got drunk. I don’t appreciate the disrespect he showed in front of our son’s Godparents, and I let him know as soon as we got to the hotel. Like I said, he changed after our son was born. When it was just us and our daughter, he was very sweet and attentive. He had even stopped drinking; he quit smoking when I first found I was pregnant the first time. Then after our son was born, the drinking started again. And now it’s just beyond disrespectful. He has no self-control! On more than one occasion, I’ve had to have a talk with him about his insistence on driving after he’s been drinking, especially with the children in the car.
Before, it wasn’t such a big deal. The arrangement—although unspoken—worked, but then again, he was able to cut himself off, too. Now, he just doesn’t care. And his attitude about sucks! It’s like if he does or says something hurtful or disrespectful, then he can’t be blamed because he’s drunk. That’s not an excuse!
It’s not just the drinking, either. I’ve been noticing a decline in the way he is towards me. He used to be very sweet, attentive, and caring. I don’t know what changed. The last several months, it seems all he wants to do on his free time is be on social media or playing on his phone. He used to hug me, and say I love you before saying good night. Now it’s just good night, and he turns his back towards me. To make matters even worse, I believe our daughter (our oldest) refused to be rebellious and defiant because she’s learning from her father. “Well, if Daddy doesn’t listen to Mommy, then I don’t have to either.” It’s becoming a battle with her every day, too. Granted, she’s only 3 (soon to be) and it’s probably mostly the age, but I think that part of that rebellion comes from her father.
Last night I flat out asked him what he wants, or what he needs. His response was simply, “My papers.” When I pressed him further, he said it’s so he can travel to his country. Him!?! Just him? A colleague I spoke with briefly yesterday said he thought the same thing when we first got together. He refused to elaborate when I asked him what gave him that impression.
Sorry if the details seem fragmented. The only time I can have to myself is at work (and today is one of those days). It’s hard to concentrate at home right now. When I am able to get even 5 minutes to be on the computer, my children are right there, trying to play with it.
If that's not enough of a reason to get rid of him, hes an alcoholic.
Things are going to get a heck of a lot worse.
I think you made a mistake and should make plans to correct it asap.
It's difficult for us all, but staying with this man is not going to help you or your kids financially or otherwise if he's an alcoholic. It's just going to get worse.
Your intuition is telling you what to do. Listen to it. Otherwise I believe you'll be back here in a few years sorry you didn't.
Whether he married you and had children with you solely for the sake of a green card may never be 100% proven, but regardless, he's a wreck. And your 3 year old, yes in that stage of defiance, is absolutely picking up what the adults around her do and say. Kids are mimics. Someday, she may find herself in a situation with a disrespectful alcoholic too, and may stay, as that's what she grew up with.
My SIL married a guy (friend) so he could get a green card. They stayed married for a few years, but as friends and roommates only. He did it so he could have medical insurance, or something of that nature. I never hear about him so I think he went back to his country of origin. Nothing stopping yours from doing the same. Good luck, this is truly heartbreaking.
I wouldn't even sit down for a discussion with him because i wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.