Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm not going to go into my background here too much. Some of you already know who I am although I haven't been around much. If you know my story just skip this paragraph :) The short of it is my husband is in the army and has been gone for 15 months. I've seen him for 2 weeks out of those 15 months. We've been working on 'things' after he called me last October and told me he wanted a divorce. He feels he made a mistake because of the situation he was in and wants to just talk about everything that happened and then see where we are.
So I've been battling this overwhelmed feeling for the past few weeks since he told me he'd been thinking about his mistakes and wanted to talk. I'm in the process of finding a counselor because I know when I'm overwhelmed like this I can't work through things on my own. Until then you guys get an ear full!
The overwhelmed feeling is coming from a huge conflict in me. I love this man and I care for him a great deal. I would never want anything bad to happen to him. I want him to be happy. I think a lot about what he's gone through and most of it was for me and my kids. He joined the service because we both felt it was the right thing to do. The whole family was looking forward to the move across country and he needed the training he's getting in his tech field. The problem is we fill each others needs and gaps so well that when we're separated we lose the plot. He went off the deep end from the stress and since I'm the one that normally calms him down and makes him feel safe he blamed me for it. I can understand that. I feel guilty when I think of everything he went through. He handled it wrong by trying to cope by himself and not talking to me about what was going on until he's destroyed his feelings for me. But again I understand that. So my conflict is... I have anger at him calling me out of the blue one day and telling me he wants a divorce and then I can't get angry because I feel guilty for the reasons that lead up to him cracking.
I got angry with him last week on the phone and told him he should be kissing my ass and begging my forgiveness instead of just calling when he 'had time for me', which isn't very much. And then I felt bad because I know he is doing the best he can and has been through so much.
I always thought that I was making excuses for him but the truth is he has the best excuse anyone can have. He's a good man who hasn't done anything wrong other than get overwhelmed himself from stress and loss. So I find myself not being able to release my anger.
Wow, amazing how you get to the root of something and your chest feels like an elephant just sat on it.
So I've been battling this overwhelmed feeling for the past few weeks since he told me he'd been thinking about his mistakes and wanted to talk. I'm in the process of finding a counselor because I know when I'm overwhelmed like this I can't work through things on my own. Until then you guys get an ear full!
The overwhelmed feeling is coming from a huge conflict in me. I love this man and I care for him a great deal. I would never want anything bad to happen to him. I want him to be happy. I think a lot about what he's gone through and most of it was for me and my kids. He joined the service because we both felt it was the right thing to do. The whole family was looking forward to the move across country and he needed the training he's getting in his tech field. The problem is we fill each others needs and gaps so well that when we're separated we lose the plot. He went off the deep end from the stress and since I'm the one that normally calms him down and makes him feel safe he blamed me for it. I can understand that. I feel guilty when I think of everything he went through. He handled it wrong by trying to cope by himself and not talking to me about what was going on until he's destroyed his feelings for me. But again I understand that. So my conflict is... I have anger at him calling me out of the blue one day and telling me he wants a divorce and then I can't get angry because I feel guilty for the reasons that lead up to him cracking.
I got angry with him last week on the phone and told him he should be kissing my ass and begging my forgiveness instead of just calling when he 'had time for me', which isn't very much. And then I felt bad because I know he is doing the best he can and has been through so much.
I always thought that I was making excuses for him but the truth is he has the best excuse anyone can have. He's a good man who hasn't done anything wrong other than get overwhelmed himself from stress and loss. So I find myself not being able to release my anger.
Wow, amazing how you get to the root of something and your chest feels like an elephant just sat on it.
Hugs to you!!!
You can't have been there for him everyday as he tried to cope with the intense experiences he's having, so this is where he gets to learn just how to handle it without you, whether it's finding physical ways to relieve stress, or talk with the counsellor that's available to him, or find sympathetic and supportive friends in his group.
And you probably have had to learn how to be alone, take care of the physical and financial aspects of holding down the fort, and your own coping mechanisms for the stresses and solitude of being apart.
I would say this, while you gently figure out what really is your responsibilities and lessons for yourselves, be gentle with each other, because being forced to figure anything out isn't easy on anyone. There are bumps along the way.
But also try and be clear on making your needs, for reassurance, commitment to working on the problem, a willingness to bridge the gap if and when you can, and all those other things you do to love yourselves and each other.
It's one thing to say "I feel hurt when you (don't) do this", or "anxious" or "afraid",
and another thing to say "you're a liar", "lazy", "insensitive".
War -- It's an incredible thing that hearts and spirits can still be intertwined after being apart so long, and experiencing god knows what while you're apart.
I'm wishing you both the best of luck.
BUT what you said about forcing someone to figure things out really hit home. That's basically why I'm seeking counseling, so I can vent and get everything out and work on what I need to for myself without making him feel like he needs to fix everything and worry about me on top of it. He's still so lost and confused. He came to me and asked for such a little thing and I turned it into something bigger than it was. It wasn't fair of me.
I have made my needs very clear. I don't want to walk down some path with him and suddenly turn and find out he's not beside me. I'm fine walking alone until he figures out which path he's going to take. I just need to pace and be a raving lunatic in a counselors office a few times and I'll be right as rain :)