Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
A few days ago, my ex girlfriend broke up with me. We had a 7 year relationship that had many ups and downs. About a year ago, we decided to take a few weeks apart. It was a good time to reflect on each of our future goals in life. We then got back together but it wasn't official. We would act like a couple. Hold hands, tell each other we loved one another and so forth. I didn't mind that we didnt have an official tittle because we both thought that it was overrated. About a month and a half ago, she joined a study abroad program at her college. She left for a month to Madrid. Before she left, I sat down to talk to her about my fears about her going over there. I fear that she will meet someone new over there, i fear that she is going to hook up with another guy and ruin what we have going, i fear that she will come back a different person and not want to be with me anymore. After I told her this, she broke down and basically said that she needs time for herself. That I have nothing to worry about but right now, it's not the best time to be together. I told her that I understood even though it killed me inside. A day or two before she left, we went out and we were still holding hands and I kissed her and expressed how much I would miss her. She was very sad and told me she was going to think about me every day. Now that she is over there, I tried Face timing her and messaging her and we have had short conversations over facetime. She told me she went to a club with a few girls that she became friends with in her group and I automatically freaked out. On instagram, she keeps getting tagged in pictures and I immediately start panicking and I honestly haven't gotten any sleep. I don't know what to do. I don't want to express how I feel, I want to give her her space It's just so freaking hard.
I have learned the hard way, but there are things in this life we have no control over. What we can control is our actions and reactions to circumstances that are beyond our control. I have been in two long relationships both lasting about 5 years. Its easy to loose ourselves in these long relationships and forget who the most important person is....OURSELVES. My suggestions are to be your own man, no one knows the future, so stop worrying about it. Woman are naturally attracted to men that have a calm understanding about things. Once that button has been pushed that she sees you as jelous or needy of the affection it will just push her further away, again my advice as was said to me many times in both my long break ups was TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I can say I forgot how to do that cause I was always worried about the outcome of things I cannot control. Go out make some new friends, reconnect with old and most importantly live a good happy life that is rewarding and fulfilling. Maybe she will jump back on board, maybe not. You don't have nor should you have control over her feelings. If you have shortcomings...FIX them, its for you. Self help and honesty is the best medicine, it will hurt and not be easy but be your own man, that is attractive, and that is all you have control over. Best of luck man, I feel your pain. Take it step by step and work on making you happy, if she doesn't come running, someone else will
Good luck Poster - I won't add more - #1 said it perfectly.
P.S. - I know that hole in the heart feeling all too well. It's one of those things that everyone goes through but sucks a big one all the same. I am sending you comforting vibes!
Relationship is about 2 ppl coming together "willingly" (both wanting to be together out of free will, on their own accord) NOT any one person in the relationship holding onto another.
If this sort of situation happens, the one who is holding onto will feel miserable (try to control another when realistically impossible) and other who is being hold onto will also feel miserable (because it gives a feeling that someone is dependent on them and they feel somewhat trapped or tied down and regardless of whether the person like the other or not, this sort of feelings put pressure on them and makes them feel somewhat bit uncomfortable).
Regardless of whether you are in boy/girl friend relationship or husband/wife relationship, you cannot stop or prevent another to experience new things, new ideas etc.... I mean, every time your partner experience something new, meet new ppl (which you cannot stop nor have any control over), are you going to freak out ? is that even a life worth living, a relationship worth having if you have to sit on edge of your sit all day, worry and concern about whether your partner is going through new experience, something fun and exciting without you ?
you need to ask yourself if you are worried because there is some issue within you (maybe your past relationship, your over sensitivity etc...) or because your partner acted/behave in such way that you have difficulty trusting her ? (her past behaviour/history etc..) if the problem arises from her behaviour and you have difficulty in trusting her, than maybe she is not a good partner for you. however, if the problem arises from you (your partner has no fault), than you need to ask yourself if you are over reacting to things, worry about things that are not in your control is pointless and waste of energy and time.
If she does happen to fall in love with someone or forget you from her exciting new life and she can easily and quickly walk away from 7 years relationship with you from just that, then maybe she is not worth having in your life.
Person who is worth having as partner is someone who goes through all the temptation (in this case, new attractive person), new experience and ideas and still wanting to be with you, see the meaning/value in being with you. You cannot filter out things that world (or her life) throws at her ( there are distractions everywhere from friends, interest/hobbies, media/entertainment, needs/wants, new experience/things etc). she needs to come into her own terms and have the want/desire to be with you even with all that worldly distractions. (without you forcing her to stay, no one wins through this method. All you can do is tell her what she means to you (your feelings), the things you guys shared like certain values, goal/planned future, past memories etc you can make an effort but ultimate outcome is not in your hands)
Even after all that, if she can still walk away just because of some new experience she is going through, than she is simply not a long term partner material. She is not a person for you as she can easily overlook/override 7 years with you just because of few months spending abroad. If her feelings for you (her perspective/attitude on you) can so easily change, then I would doubt her love for you may not be so genuine/true in some sense. If there truly was something you guys were sharing (core values, deep feelings, genuine care and consideration for one another), her few month experience abroad will not/cannot change her feelings towards you (unless she really does get carried away from heat of moment, making impulse/unconscious decision). For anyone whos feelings can so easily change can be viewed unstable and nothing good comes from having such person in ones life.
if your partner is so set-on/determined to leave you, then she will whether you like it or not. only thing that we can hope for is she makes the decison rationally/consciously and after careful reflection on herself, on you and the relationship as whole and not based on heat of the moment fun/excitment that is only temporary.
Having said that, anything is possible in the future. she might meet someone or after the seperation, she might realise how important you were to her, or you might actually enjoy your solo life and don't want to get back together or you might meet someone new yourself etc.... no one knows what will happen in the future.
Regardless of what will happen in the future, find/be yourself. relationship only works if your partner loves you for who you truly are in core and for you to love them for who they truly are. Don't let the feeling of insecurity/fear/anxious to take away the best of you.
Whatever happens, you want ppl to love you for who you truly are in person, not the current you who are so anxious/tensed and full of fear, unstable individual which im sure you are not, it just that you fall deep into being in a relationship that you have lost a part of yourself, your own balance. you just need to use this time and find your ground again. maybe try to remember the person you were before you met her. How have you changed ? have you become a better person ? try to be more mindful about your thoughts/action/words and see if they are in-line with who you truly are in person.
Panther thanks so much. Your response made me feel like things will get better.
Extradimention. I can't begin to explain how your input put this whole situation further into perspective.
I'm still grieving. I still cry. But the support by this thread alone is enough for me to feel a bit better. I have had a few realizations about myself since she left. This, I feel is a good thing.