Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been reading some of others' posts here, and there is a lot of betrayal that has gone on for so many of you/us. When you are betrayed by the one person whom you are supposed to be able to trust with everything, maybe even with your life (isn't that how marriage is supposed to work?) how do you ever move on from that? In some strange way, it is helpful for me to know that I am not the only one dealing with this, yet it makes me feel guilty to even say it. I don't want ANYONE to ever have to deal with this. For me, as some of you already know, it was not just my husband that betrayed me, but my best friend. Not just a friend, my BEST FRIEND, who had been my best friend for 25 YEARS. All of a sudden, just like that, I lost them both. I lost all of the other friends I had as well, because oddly enough, with the two of them against me, everyone else "chose sides" and none of them chose mine. It still baffles me to this day, how could all of them, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, think that it is oik what my (ex) friend and (ex) husband did?? How can they all go along with what those two say, and somehow justify it? I mean, yeah, those two justified it like crazy by saying I am crazy, I need help, I did this that and everything else wrong, I was this horrible person, etc. I am sorry, but, am I really wrong to believe that even IF my husband and I were having issues (which we were) they STILL had NO business doing what they did? Aren't married couples supposed to work things out? Aren't your FRIENDS supposed to be there to back you up and not swoop in and steal your husband when there are problems? I used to go to her when he and I had problems, it kills me inside to think she was taking all of that information and using it against me, to try to steal him. Why do they all think I am the one who is wrong? Yeah, I started becoming depressed BEFORE he even left me, but the way he treated me, I KNEW there was someone else, he was downright awful and cruel to me. Never in my life did I dream it would be my friend, but none-the-less, why do they all look at me like I am the bad guy and they all adore the two of them together? They destroyed 2 families (she was married too!) but they all think it's OK!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
If you were "crazy" like they all now claim, why wouldn't your husband seek professional help for you? Why wouldn't your BFF seek help for you? They are simply "justifying" the shit they pulled. And others, unfortunately, tend to go with the masses, so to speak.
I am recovering from a similar situation. He did not cheat with my best friend, but he pulled MY dream and all its incumbent friends out from under me with his controlling and angry bullying. So I feel your pain. Today I woke up believing I didn't have any friends anymore. But then I realized, they weren't really friends after all.
Be strong. You will overcome this. Not to minimize, but it is only an "event" in your life. Please don't let this nasty, shitty "event" ruin the rest of it.
And, if you are not already, please seek a good therapist or counselor. It will help you sort through the wreckage and ultimately prevail.
Many hugs,
LT
As for why people don't see cheating as downright cruel and what the main issue is. My guess is cus unless it happens to them, the "reasoning" given to justify the action was accepted. Of course it was wrong and many know that but there is no impact on them so until they have to really have to be in your shoes, they can't really empathize. I find more people just don't have that in them to really feel and / or know what something as devastating and illegal as adultery has done to families and mostly the two or three at the heart of it.
Remember too, that cheaters like to rewrite history and demonize the spouse. Likely your other fiends have listened to the cheaters' tales of woe about you and believed it. Sadly, many of them do and don't bother to check the facts. My ex made up so many stories about me and our marriage that he ought to have the Nobel Prize in Literature for Fiction--all a bunch of fabrications.
There is likely nothing you can do but work on yourself. Please consider counseling. Another good phone call to make is to an attorney. How do you move on? Get a good settlement and live well--it really is the best revenge.
Sending healing hugs!
I go to church and I feel guilty, wtf.
I kind of think that many people are "haters" of those with a conscience . many people live unprincipled lives so they do take sides. They side with the unprincipled because they are unprincipled themselves and whatever secrets that they have they want to keep buried and suppressed from thier thoughts and you as the victim remind them of the things that they want to keep secret
You are not crazy you are just still groggy, you are in a groggy wake-up, wkaing up to the fact that you husband is a turd and your friend is a turd even though they could always count on you they don't give a rats ass about you. It sucks when you find out how selfish people can be.
I am sad for you, I am concerned for you but I am not worried about you. You will be okay.The day will come when You will feel sunshine as sunshine again. Until then you will be sunshine to your kids.
hang in there
Personally, I'm still in the process of reevaluating my previously existing relationships 1 year post-divorce. As a result of the betrayal I was put through, I am now much more cautious of the type of person I allow into my life and invest my time in. It has benefited me greatly.
We have the choice and power to make anything an opportunity to learn and grow, no matter how unfortunate the circumstances.
Jaime123 - so sorry - sicknening is the best way I can describe what has happened to you - The only thing I can tell you is that only determination, being optimistic and having faith was the only thing that got me through my worst moments when I was dealing with betrayal - I stayed for a long time thinking I could make a difference, thinking my love and dedication could make the person feel compassion - but I was dealing w/almost a psycho who cheating and disrespect was as normal as eating. I came out so broken that allowing people near me is still a struggle. My faith got me through all of that - It's possible to bounce back - stay strong.
Next you apply that recognition to your interpersonal relationships. Surround yourself with people outside of your norm and become accostomed to healthier relationship styles.
Then you invest time into yourself and build up your own self worth. Spend time making yourself happy and healthy.
It takes a lot of work, self reliance, and awareness- but its very very worth it.