I was with my therapist today and he helped me. I was talking (again) about the disconnect between my head (move on) and my heart (hang in there hoping). He asked me to look at the man I am today. I described myself as someone who is happy with the place my life is at. I love my career. I like myself. I have no shame or guilt, only sadness. I am a moral man who values honesty, committment and trust. He asked me if I would be willing to give those qualities up if it would get me back with my sbtx.

I said, "No way!." And, indeed that is the case. He suggested that every time I let the missing her/wanting her voice to speak that I say out loud, "I am willing to stop being myself."

For some reason this made things more clear to me. She wasn't capable of growing in the way that I was. She wasn't capable of handling things in an upfront way. She lied, cheated and stole. I don't think that I am the kind of man that can handle that or deserves that.

I am not yet in the place of acceptence but I am sure farther away from the place of pain that I was in earlier today. I am so proud of myself and most of us for being upstanding, moral people who are willing to go through pain to become the people that we want to be.

Yes, something has been lost but there is really no choice. He asked me when I had made the descision to leave her behind. I was stunned for a second because I didn't leave her, however I did decide to keep growing and maturing and she couldn't keep up with that. I don't want to be a big adolescent anymore. I want to be a man, and I am content with that choice. Today, anyway.