When I asked my ex wife to see her individual counselor, she was very surprised, but uneasily agreed. She thought it was going to be a me bashing her session. I went in hoping to have a safe place for her to actually talk about what was going through her head for once, since we never could by ourselves. I just wanted to know what I could do to make her feel better and turn our marriage around. Turns out there were a lot of things she was either lying to her counselor about or just too delusional to face the truth of, so it wasn't much help (I wasn't able or willing to call her out on during counseling; it wasn't about what she was doing wrong, even though there were many things, but what I could do). We split up anyway, and she once told me afterwards that her counselor told her there was nothing she could do for her.
Sometimes people are so set in their ways, even if they're so obviously wrong to us, that there truly is nothing you can do. The only thing left to do is pick yourself up, heal, and move on with your life in whatever form that may be. Knowing that you tried, you put in the effort, and that you did the right thing will make all the difference later on down the road.

For now, just breathe. Take it moment by moment. There will be ups and downs, and right now many more downs. Everything you're feeling is completely normal.
But eventually the good days will outnumber the bad. This is a process, not an event. Remember to try and eat and drink plenty of water. It truly does just take time. You just have to slog through it, but you will, and you'll come out even better for it.
Good luck! Don't be afraid to just vent here if you need to, we're all going through the same thing.

Thanks. Trying to keep a strong front for my kids, but things have just become beyond impossible. She did offer to go see a marriage counselor, versus her own, but she said that will suck all of the energy out of her, and that she's close to having a nervous breakdown. She should take a look at me. I'm giving her a break by saying I will go with her to her counseling session, and we'll see what happens. I'm not going to get my hopes up. She is pretty adamant nothing will change her mind. I just wish she would go in with an open mind. Not that there is some magic fix, there's not. But to see if we can start to rebuild what has been torn down. She equates our marriage to a flower that had been dying, and once it's dead, no amount of water and sun will bring it back. Not very promising. I mentioned planting a new seed, and she did not like that part of the analogy.

We also go into it about the custody of the kids. She is adamant that if someone moves out, it will be me. I work further away, have longer hours, and would not be fully adept to keep with the kids' schedules. I don't want to uproot them from the house they have been living at for their entire lives. Not fair to them. So she has me by a string. Nothing I can do on that end.

This sounds so much like my situation with my wife. Its a chore getting thru the days sometimes but we owe it to our kids and ourselves. Eat. Get meds if needed. Drink water. Take vitamins. See a counselor for YOU. Visit this site. Pray. Show your kids how to survive and thrive. I don't let my kids see me struggle but its so hard. We'll make it brother. Just hang in there.

I remember the feeling of losing my home, losing my dogs, "losing" my son. It is a loss. But eventually you make it work. Things will definitely change, but not all change is bad. Things will just be different.
Don't get me started on the moving out and custody biases against dads. That's a whole different story of suck. There are things we can fight in this life and things that we just have to accept and make work and hopefully learn something from. You don't have to be at that point right away, but when you're ready.

Totally agree on the custody rights of dads. It's pathetic and unfair, and hopefully, within my lifetime, those will change. Not likely, but crossing my fingers.

It is so hard being strong in front of the kids. I know they are picking up on me being upset. Took them bowling yesterday and they could tell something was wrong. It's so unfair to them, and right now, they are my life. Just them. I am going to an individual counselor for me, and it is definitely helping, but I have only been to two sessions, and the pain is just so fresh right now. She is completely unwilling to listen to my perspective, and how I am going to a counselor to become a better man for her (and for myself). I am in my early 40's, and quite frankly, don't want to start over again with someone new when I love my wife so much. She has changed, that much is evident, but I still see the woman I love. She just doesn't love me any more. Harsh reality.

Thats how my ex was, no children married
30 years. He was checked out and long
Gone there was no making it work or him
trying.

MC was a joke the only good thing was she
Met him. He stopped after the first time she
called Him on a behavior, he took that as an
insult.

I liked her a lot and saw her myself for little
While until i got my own therapist. She was
Great too. HUGS

Your kids will see their dad go through something very painful and devastating, and they will see him come through it with strength and dignity. That's an amazing lesson for them.

It is so very harsh. You create a bond with someone that strong for that long, that bond doesn't just go away overnight. The only constant in life is change, and love is not exempt unfortunately. There are a lot of things we cannot control in life, and you can't force someone to love you. What can we do?? If you figure it out, let me know ;-)
If they want to leave, sometimes the best thing you can do is wish them well and show them the door.
You can and most likely will love her for the rest of your life, just not in the same way as you do now. And there's nothing wrong with that! She's the mother of your kids, that will never change. You can and should always love her for that gift. But that doesn't mean you have to, or should, love her the same way you do now, or at least did up until recently. As you heal, you'll sometimes notice little tiny ways that your love for her is slowly changing. Where it ends and what it looks like is different for everyone, but it's healthy and normal.

That's just the thing. I don't want it to be different. At least not right now. I want it to be better than it was, and I am trying to do that, but keep getting the "It's too little too late" speech. Kills me every time she says that. It's only too late because she is unwilling to accept that I am trying to make changes for the better.

I feel like damaged goods at this point. By the time a divorce were to go through, I'd be in my mid 40's, at best. I just can't believe the woman who told me I was her world 3 weeks ago is now acting like she could just take me or leave me. It's embarrassing, and devastating. I know a lot of this will fall on her, but it doesn't make me feel even a tiny bit better about myself. Hope therapy can pull me through this. Because right now, I'm no good for anyone. The fact that I have to summon every bit of strength I have in order to be happy around my kids is crazy. She keeps telling me she is in pain too. I just don't see it. She has no compassion, and no emotion. She told me that was partly because if she shows emotion, she is going to have a mental breakdown. If I have to hear "This wasn't easy for me" one more time, I think I'm going to go nuts.

Hahaha! Oh yeah, the old "This isn't easy for me either" chestnut. Listen, all these things running through your head are completely normal. Right now, you're not supposed to be good for anyone (except your kids). This is the time you need to take for yourself, to heal. Focus on yourself, you deserve it.

I was divorced at 33 after a 12 year marriage. I'll be 40 next year. When I was ready, I started dating again (actually, I started when I wasn't ready as well, but that's a different story) and I found I actually liked it. Being with someone for so long, though some very formative years, I forgot who I was individually. It was nice to reconnect with myself. And eventually, even though I'm back here because it just recently ended, I found an incredibly rewarding, beautiful relationship with someone who became my best friend. That relationship has totally re-defined what a healthy, loving relationship really is for me. I loved my ex wife with all my heart. But this, wowzers. And that's not to say that I don't value my marriage, I do. It was beautiful in it's way, too. But more as a path to where I am now.

I know you can't control the monkey-mind right now; all these thoughts about what's going to happen in the future, dating, etc. Try to recognize that some of these thoughts aren't rational right now because you're not in the right frame of mind to be making life decisions like, "will I ever date again?". You'll have plenty of time to worry about that later. You may decide not to, that would be fine too. But just realize that where you are now is not where you're going to be next year. Or next month. Or tomorrow.. So while you need to let the emotions and thoughts come, try not to give them too much credence.

Yup - You need to scramble the slippery slope and reach your new reality, sane and sober.

My ex of 35years wanted to prove something, so burnt our first years teen love diary in a bin.
She had a new guy and house all set up and after 30 years of handing my salary over, I end up homeless and who I regarded as my angel, was nothing of the sort.

Being a rejected loyal guy, I met a lovely woman who had a different story but with the same outcome and we are very happy with nothing but each other.

Ugg you give me hope, i am not there yet
Still have a lot of recovery work and healing
Yet to do. I was in for a lifetime, i thought.

He Can do his thing with his special friend,
It still hurts, its the emotional stuff that has
A life all of its own. HUGS

I wish emotions were not so powerful in us. It destroys us. It's a defect in humanity. True that over time things may ease. Life is short and after 14 years of marriage like me, the future becomes uncertain. If you are a worry'er, life become very unsettling. The closest person in your life becomes the most hurtful person. Families are the defence we have against a harsh world. A loving home becomes a shield against outside trouble. When this breaks down, we are left feeling vulnerable, sad, and scared. Like previously said, there is little that you can do to change the situation.

Your post is my life right now. I am a wife being left. It is so hard after a 15 year marriage to "just get over it".

Sorry basnime. I obviously know the pain you're going through, and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Just have to believe we'll get through it. Won't be easy, but keep the faith.

Thank you so much! I am praying for you through your journey. Your post are so heartfelt. It will be nice to talk to someone going through this too.