I am with you
I would wake up crying my heart out every morning

None of it makes any sense

It is their madness

@OP.....Sorry to hear about your situation, but like with most women in your situation, could it be that you were so comfortable with yourself, and forgot all about the other person?

I read your post and all I get from it is the things he did to you that made you happy. Obviously he didn't just wake up one day and decided he isn't happy, these things build up over the years.

A lot of women once married revert from a lot of things they use to do during the courting stages as if to say I have my man now and don't have to do xyz.

It's takes two for a relationship to come to an end. There has to be a sense of reality / ownership here, as opposed to blaming just the other party. A lot of people fail to see this, and it doesn't help when bad friends lead you on to think you are wonderful (they don't have to live with you), and that the other person is the jerk.

My ex couldn't understand it when I told her I wanted out, and yes she accused me of all sorts and even went as far as saying I was banging my boss' wife...talk about the wrong way to get ahead in a job.

2 yrs after the divorce and am still single, happy jointly raising our son, paying child support, and doing things I like without having to put up with lack of mutual respect, nagging, manipulation, selfishness, and lies about finances.

Hi deltone,

I'm sorry to hear that you had that experience. My relationship and breakup don't appear to be particularly similar to yours, so I'm not sure that your suggestions really apply.

You wrote: "but like with most women in your situation, could it be that you were so comfortable with yourself, and forgot all about the other person?"

That's a pretty big generalization to make about women. It would be more accurate to suggest that the tendency to get 'too comfortable' and become 'lazier' in the relationship effort is something that is possible with *anyone* in a relationship - it's definitely not a gender-specific occurrence. And in my case, it was quite the opposite. I worked hard to try and keep things together and put much more effort into saving things, often putting aside my own needs to keep the peace and to keep him happy. He just doesn't feel that working toward a life-long partnership is the kind of future that he wants for himself, and his guilt about potentially wasting my time when he knew how invested I was in our relationship led him to end things before it became even harder to do so.

It's certainly true that it takes two people, and I wouldn't suggest that I'd never done anything wrong. But I can honestly say that I couldn't have done more. I couldn't have loved him more, and I couldn't have put more effort into this than I did - so I have no regrets. And I certainly don't 'blame' him for his feelings - his feelings are as valid as mine. But the fact of the matter is that it was his decision alone to give up and end the relationship, and as the person who was left behind, that's an awful lot to process.

Hello Sara,

You are right that the getting comfy after a marriage is something that both sexes are guilty of. Like you, it was me that put everyone else first before myself. I went from a single bachelor to instant husband and a step dad.

In the end, I had to make a decision and it wasn't worth hanging on because we had a child of our own, but co-parenting is the answer to that problem. I have learned a lot from that relationship, and know exactly what it is that I am looking for now in a woman.

- post secondary education is mandatory
- mutual respect
-sincerity
- a good job and not just any job that pays
- no multiple kids (I only have one)
- active
- doesn't like clutter
- no pets
- likes to travel (road trips, etc)

@deltone: I gave everything I had in me to my ex but it still wasn't enough for him. I tried everything to make him happy, even asking him what I could do to change so he would stay, even begging him to hold off on divorcing me. He always said it was him, not me so I feel sad that you clumped most of us woman into your statement. You are right it does take two to make a relationship, I tried he didn't and now we're divorced. Sometimes, people aren't marriage material even though they try. I still love my ex, always will. I even forgive him for leaving me because I know he doesn't know any other way. Relationships are hard and it is true there are two sides to every story. Please don't clump most woman into this category, I certainly don't clump men into any category. We are all suffering in some way or we wouldn't have found ourselves on this site. All of our situations are different and unique to us.

@ Sara: I'm sorry you're having a hard day. Even after 10 months I still run across things that trigger my emotions. I don't cry every day like in the early days, but I still have a good cry from time to time. Hugs~!

@deltone - When you meet the person you love, no of that stuff you just listed is going matter, except for the mutual respect part, and It shouldn't. Just my opinion.

Sara - stay strong kiddo. The triggers are always going to be there, but they will lesson in time. I hope you find your peace in all of this turmoil. I turn to prayer and God when things get tough, and on a daily basis even when they aren't tough.

Why are people defending their choices and relationships to Deltone?

Deltone - it appears you have been burned and have quite the ax to grind with women. I hope you find the peace you are searching for.

Sara, your post made me cry, cause I miss that stuff too, and 6 months later it still hurts..but it hurts less. It is truly hard to forget about the things you miss. You can't actually, so just know that in time it will fade in its intensity. One day you will realize there are new good memories and the old ones don't hurt so much. You will have up days and down days..those good memories can really throw you for a loop. I'm really sorry you are struggling. hugs!

@Justme...you are wrong as it was me that ended my marriage, and not because there was someone else. As mentioned elsewhere, am enjoying being alone, and am not one of those that has to be with someone else i.e. dependent on others.

Apologies if my post came across as lumping women together. I have female friends who are versions of me, and what we share is the fact that someone was taking advantage of our kid heart.

Some people will never learn from their relationships, and just keep jumping into new ones whilst stop short of reflecting on what went wrong in the last one.

I also know that some people are in denial, and will just blame the other person completely for the reason their relationships broke down. Bad friends will tell you what you want to hear, and you will tend to filter out the truth for what fits your rationale.

I am just being sincere with myself here. Personally, sex alone is not worth me going all in (no pun intended)

Everything you post about your relationship is spot on with mine and how I feel. It's very painful. I hope these feelings pass and bring you to a better spot. Message me if you ever need to!

Oh my, reading your post, especially about the part of waking up, hitting a snooze button and having your loving partner there and who curls up with you, man oh man, that put a lump in my throat.

I'm little over 4.5 months removed from my former relationship, and even with it creeping up on the 5 month mark, I to still miss the waking up with someone. Also I miss the falling asleep with someone to! Triggers, even though life has been calming down for me and the old triggers don't quite have the sting and pain as they once did, sometimes though a trigger can sneak up out of no where and bite me in the a** good.

And this 44 year old man is not ashamed to say that the bedroom stuff, like not having anyone to fall asleep or wake up with had me in tears for months. All I can say is that for me it just took time, time to talk it out with friends & family, time to work it out among my support groups and time to get help processing things with my shrink!

Time just seems to be the only answer here!

I wish you well and am praying for you! Keep your chin up, it does eventually get easier!

@Deltone, thanks for explaining, sometimes it's hard to write what we are feeling, it's a sensitive subject and we don't always get the words out how we intended. We are all in this together, it doesn't matter if we are the dumpers or dumpees, we are all struggling. having experienced both sides, being the one dumped is so much harder and emotional than I ever thought possible, some days I didn't think I would survive but I have. We all will....eventually. We don't always want to hear it, but time really does heal!

@Deltone -

This was the first response I read by you. Since then, I have read other responses, and I see where you are coming from.

@yougospam......there is two sides to every coin, and yes Karma does end up making us get a taste of our own medicine.

I have my son, my job, hobbies and the lord keeping me going. I refuse to jump into relationship because everyone is in one, and for the fear of being alone. It's not worth the aggravation.....the ideal setup for me would be a friends with benefits....where no strings are attached, and we still do things that married couples do i.e. movies, travel, hangout etc

Your post made me feel instant sadness due to the fact that it relates to me somewhat. I'm currently in Afghanistan and the woman that once loved me more than I could ever imagine being loved, now has fell out of love for unforseen reasons and unexpectedly. It hurts deep especially when we can't see the reasons for why they make these decisions. Why are they seperating themselves based on the negative, why don't they feel they can't be happy with us anymore, why are they forgetting all of the good that we have shared? I find that nothing we ask ourselves can ever be completely answered with good enough reasons (more so because there was nothing significant that went wrong for the breakup/divorce to make sense)! The hardest part of grieving, is acceptance and it takes the longest time to reach this step....at least for me. The only way to truly feel happy and joyful again, is to remain in support of others and to allow yourself time to heal. I grieve with you and hope that you can find happiness again soon. Try to stay busy, practice hobbies and be around your loved ones.