mythbusting this one. ahem.

not saying a word

Oh, c'mon, inquiring minds want to know....

My wife, in the last few years, would go along with sex, but never initiated it.

Like everything else in our relationship, I had to take the lead.

I remember the old days, when she couldn't keep her hands off me. That was probably just an act to keep me interested in the beginning.

*sigh*
Now I am depressed again.

I'm wanting to, but can't stay out of this.....
look....part of it is true yes....but my ex did nothing around the house, ever, in 10 years, OK well, once a year he'd clean the kitchen for our anniversary or whatever....but that wasn't even consistant.....sex was not something he "earned"....it was just offered, either of us could iniate it....that was til he found other sources....and no he has no "reason" to be looking....I wasn't unavailable for sex....so I have to disagree with this debate!

A lot of us guys have had different experiences. My last two relationships were the same way.

My ex used sex as a tool and a weapon. She had no emotional connection to the act itself, she was completely emotionally detached. All the passion and desire she displayed was just an act. It was just something else she did as a means to an end. The purpose was to either shut me up or manipulate me into doing or agreeing to what she wanted.

Towards the end, I caught on to her methodology. Thats why the whole subject turns my stomach now.

I see it more as a give and take. You make me feel special, I'm going to go out of my way to do the little extras to please you. If you start looking at it as "have to do this, have to do that just so I can get in your pants, is it really worth it?" The attitude comes across.

I would say it takes work on both sides, both people need to make the effort. I can say first hand, when it is onesided it gets exhausting and eventually the one doing all the work, says "fuck it".

Another thing, its not only suppose to be mutual on both sides, but it also is an obligation and a vow that both people take. So, for one to notice things going down and they allow things to cont. as normal, technically they are in the wrong(guy or girl).

its odd both time he had a affair the time before i knew aboout seemed i was always hungry so to speak..seems we always had the best sex

i also know the sex wasnt the reason he strayed..i think he liked the cheating and sneaking part..it wasnt because i was ever unavailable

In my case... I did everything around the house, worked full time, constantly showed him affection & initiaded sex... in return, I got cheated on & left for the OW....
Sex was not a priority with him. He could go months in between & it drove me insane... it got to the point that I was litterally starving for any bit of attention from him.
It sucked in hind sight but I loved him...

Speaking for myself here... but it never was about "catering to my wants", it was about feeling loved. All I ever wanted was to be treated with common respect and consideration. Just be nice. Smile at me from across the room. Kiss my check while I'm peeling potatoes. Hold my hand while we walk down the street. Throw popcorn at me while watching TV. Pay attention when I need to tell you something.

It's not hard, guys. And if you really take notice and pay attention when you begin a new relationship, you probably don't have to do those things first. Find a girl that's affectionate and she'll shower you with these things as well. Just remember to reciprocate.

It's really more about respect than anything else. And it's a two way street. Sex starts in a woman's mind. If you don't seduce her brain, you're doomed.

BayBrat, you hit it on the head, I seriously couldn't have said it better.

I had NO respect or consideration for him. I was supposed to "service" him because I was his wife/possession.

By the way, Heave, I initiated a LOT. For YEARS. Got rejected for years. I finally gave up.

I always kissed my wife when she came in the door from work when I was home. I would cook her special meals where I set the table and put candles out. I always ended a phone conversation with I love you. There was never a day that went by that I didn't tell her that I loved her and she was beautiful (and I truely meant it). To this day I will say that my ex was very pretty.

She would complain because some nights I would come home, cook dinner, clean up after my mess, and when she came in about 7:30 pm to 8:00 pm I was sitting on the couch watching T.V. (she also had dinner waiting for her) She would demand that I would get up to help her clean around the house. Sorry but I needed to get up at 4:45 am to go to work and I worked until 6pm. I was always tired and emotionally drained for working for 12 hours and seeing the worst that society had to offer. I would always do my chores and cleaning on my days off. I will admit that sometimes I slipped and didn't do them, but I still had a lot to do and I managed to do it (cut 2.5 acres of grass, took the trash to the dump, maintained the yard, cooked dinner every night, cleaned the kitchen, and other things).

So tell me ladies, where did I go wrong in making my ex feel that she was loved and wanted?

I'll try to broach this one. If you are doing these things due to an expectation that this is what has to be done in order to be and feel loved. That is pretty transparent and doesn't come off as loving ,rather it comes off as needy. Alot of people with really messy houses who have takeout most nights, have really good marriages. It's not an 'I did this, so I should get that' dynamic in the relationship. That is not what keeps a relationship healthy.