@faust, one idea I have is to invite your gf to visit this support site. In the community is a place where she may better understand what her ex is doing to her, which is cruel intimidation to her mind and emotions. I will leave you a link here below. I reread all of what you detailed above, and I ponder the matter closely. I have ideas to help her too. Only she should be here, at this support site, along with you beside her, so that I may do my best to help. Nonetheless, let's at the most hope for her to read through this community of DS support group below. She should be much wiser and familiar with the evil and wicked way her "baby daddy" is using to control her.

Here is the link : https://www.dailystrength.org/group/gaslighting-and-ambient-abuse-survivors

...and another helpful link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

thank you very much. It's nice when that rare person actually recognized our kind nature and that chivalry is not dead with us. I appreciate the support because, although I do have people I've been talking to to try and help myself, it's not always perfect. you feel better, but for a second.

It's very generous of you to share the woman's perspective! While I sometimes feel I understand, I end up confused anyway lol.

In my particular situation, my girlfriend was very very hot and cold. didn't want affection or to be "chased" when it was offered, but when it wasn't she seemed to come around. Through this rough patch, she would open the door a little and then keep slamming in back shut. She would give me tiny hope but be very undecided. she at one point would actually call me, but then act rude and annoyed and not talk. we're young so I can understand needing to grow and mature. that's all well and good--but, I've truly given everything to her and I don't think she really appreciated it, let alone even knew she took advantage. when I think about it deeply, she is very unavailable emotionally as well...she had a rough childhood for sure. She's very very defensive about everything as well, and in addition, I've literally tried everything to no avail--if anything it's gotten worse no matter what.

It hurts me that she will pick the negative things out and make excuses for many things like not going to meet my parents among other things. Its like she is trying to make ending it easier by telling herself lies and making me out to be a person I'm not. For example, she is saying her feelings changed and she views me differently now after a night of drinking, because her dad did the same. While she kept that to herself for years, I personally feel like she is and could just be upset with me, but not doubting our whole relationship. after the one instance, I promised her I wouldn't drink anymore and haven't. She just seems to not trust me. She's taking out what her dad did to her on me.

She's definitely self-involved, but I like the independence. I hold on because in my mind, I see all of her good, and all the greater she will be with maturation. I'm stuck because I don't know if I should be holding on...I don't really want to let go. I really really want there to be hope for us down the road. My highest hope is that she does realize it and we can grow together and be happy. I know I may seem like an idiot because who knows, maybe the clouds will never clear, and I'd always be her punching bag. I wouldn't want that either. I guess I just have to wonder...most people agree with me, but how does this situation sound to you all? It seems to me like there is so much more going on with her that has to be dealt with to have any healthy relationship. which is totally fine. I've told her I'm here for her and I'll wait and I want the best for her. I'm truly the best kind of man, but she won't give me the time of day all of a sudden. But

rneff, I was attaching additional info to your post as you were still writing your thoughts out (above). Sorry :-) Reread your o.p.

Thank you so much for sharing more details. I was raised in a crowded home with lots of commotion. I was a nervous teenager. I think that she is as well (not a teen, yet nervous :-), excuse me for mixing my thoughts, lol. I also had an alcoholic father, only he was put out of the house when I was less than seven, I think it was at age seven. I love my father too, but his addiction left deep scars in my family. Sadly, it was really my mom who disappointed me more. My mom suffered from mood disorders. In face of what your gf is experiencing with the mood shifts, I am considering a possibility of mood disorder challenges as excusable reason for her actions, and she may be unaware of what's going on with her. Mental illness prevails in my own family as well. It may be that the two of you are possible caregivers to each other, and I promise that I am not trying to offend you with this idea. Both my husband and I came through dysfunctional family associations. I was damaged for years emotionally, and I would not have managed to mature without the love and care of my husband. We exchanged notes for years, comparing the immaturity of our parents and the lack of knowledge we each sustained by parental neglect. It took me less than three weeks of professional therapy to know that I had strong issues to battle. Took years to heal, which I linked myself to educate as much as possible. I have so much more to share, yet not enough space to write out all the significant words to express what changes took place to help me overcome these issues. Though what I attempt to encourage in you is hope. There is hope that you may help each other survive the harsh blows of childhood neglect. The love you have will be placed to good years, that is, if you can weather the stormy relationship now. Bless each of you with enduring grace to handle the bad times, and good times will soon come. It did for me and my husband :-)

Remiah, you are again perfectly describing what I'm going through! It's almost uncanny. So I must ask--did you push your now-husband away? Because, while I fight and fight to be there and do what she may need, including assuring her that it won't make me doubt us, because I am strong and have a deep love for her, she pushes me away. she says she needs to grow individually, and cant in this relationship. she has used "needy" and "smothering," which I am not but she may just be defending herself. It has led her to break up with me and say she doesn't know if it could ever work. It confuses me so much because I can see what she cant, but she doesn't trust that and use me how I offer. She is quick to throw it away, saying she doesn't want to hurt me when really, this hurts me more to see her not try when that's all I can think about.

I'm very intelligent and understanding...she just doesn't believe me or want to try. I've cried out to her and told her all of the comforting and stable things I can, but she just seems completely uninterested. It's so hard for me to believe her feelings have truly changed, rather than that she is just upset and finally processing.

I truly value your knowledge and advice because it seems like our relationship closely mirrors yours in ways. I really have this gut feeling about her. She doesn't feel that yet, which is perfectly ok--I just wear my heart on my sleeve and we love differently. But she assumes I need more although I've assured her I am so content with the love I've received from her. Therefore, she has also said I'm moving too fast but that came out of no where as well. I really have the deepest hope that we can have a story like yours. She just isn't open to seeing it and I don't know if she will. (she's very stubborn lol)

I'm sorry if I'm all over the place. There is so much to this. Did you ever leave and come back? Because she has left, and I can't find the woman I knew right now, although I know she's there somewhere. She just acts so certain that this isn't right and I can't believe it...I have very good intuition

rneff, I can tell that you are for real :-) and yes, I did push my husband away in the beginning of our relationship. I was just out of a bad relationship with another guy, and my husband was a free-spirit type. I had hangups way before him, and the worst of me would project the image of the bad guys to him. So he paid for a lot of stuff he never did. Even after we married, I was still finding something to blame of him, and it went both ways too. My husband was immature; though he was very well-educated (book sense), then as for me, I had the common street sense, or I was wise and very keen to the way of the world, by self-observation, trial and error. If it helps to know this, your sweet friend needs you so much more than you know. Honestly, I did not realize that guys like you still exist, lol! Though I DO have a reason for not being aware of such, since I'm married, and there is more to this story of marriage. If you stay with me, I will tell you more while in private conversation. Fact is, I am only involved at this group for the purpose of inspiring others to believe in healthy relationships. This is my quest for a special reason and that secret is very private to me as of now. Thus far, I've not always had the best of marital bliss, however, we've overcome the hardships; we made it through the rough times, and now we rest in peace. Keep in mind that I will tell you more once the moment arrives for you to know more of me. Until then, I am all yours.

rneff, gosh almighty, I just reread your post. I do that and then I go figure. Yes, my husband's internal gift was to see what I could not see in myself, so true. I remember once that he came over to my home in the projects, and my mother insisted that I offer him dinner. We had roaches, yuck! I didn't want to feed him in that place, lol! But I did as told, fixed him a plate of beans and cornbread, and I left the room for something...I forget what...probably to check my hair or make-up, lol! When I returned the plate was clean, almost licked clean! LOL! Now, my husband was from a much well-to-do type of family, nice house and all, unhappy folks though, another story, but this is the thing with the dinner and finger-licked plate: Many years later, when I was having one of those you never loved me moments, my husband finished the story of the dinner. He told me, babe, you remember the first time that I had dinner at your mom's. I said yeah. He said, I placed the plate down on the table next to me for just a few seconds, when I picked in back up it there were a few roaching crawling inside the plate, I ate it anyway, because I did not want to hurt your feelings. Need I say more, I was floored by that. I would never have done that, nor did I expect that my husband was that humble. As I said, and as his sister once told him, "project trash." It doesn't hurt me to tell this either. I only hope that someone reading this will be enlightened to look twice before finding fault with those they love.

faust, how are you doing today? Update please. I was thinking seriously about you all day. Is it possible for you to move out of the place you shared with your girlfriend? I read through many of your post and private journals only today. I usually do this before accepting friend's request. However, you seemed different than my usual instincts, so I decided to trust in the fate of my words. I can assure you that there is a stronger power looming over you than the power of darkness. What a grace!

I'd like to apologize for using your post for chattering so much today :-) Then there is so much to be learned by reading the trials of others, right? And I believe that Jesus wanted this - to make you aware that you really are not alone. And if you desire, you may personally private message me at any time. I cordially ask you to, for the sake of prayers I'll send to you, if there is nothing more than that.

Many hugs and do keep active at useful support. All your friends here care so much for you to get stronger. <3

Keep hanging in there man I feel your pain. Getting out of bed in the morning after getting little sleep is the hardest. They say take it a day at a time but right now it’s a breath at a time. In these times the only emotion you want to feel is happiness yet it eludes us at every turn. I am in isolation also which is terrible. I don’t want to talk to anyone about my issues on the phone because it seems redundant. I found this platform and joined after reading about your pain and misery. I can completely relate. Keep hanging in there man. Dig deep and know you aren’t alone. If your girl walked away from you then she doesn’t deserve you. Life doesn’t make any sense. I have two young daughters looking at me every day telling me they love me and want to live with me forever but the truth is their mom and i have become enemies. 13 years of marriage gone in an instant. Never got one counseling appointment together. Love sucks. Everyone says it will get better but it’s hard when you are feeling low to have any faith. Depression gets overwhelming. All my interest and passion are gone. Nothing seems real. It all seems to hard to believe. We shut down and go into protection. You aren’t alone my friend. Know that I am out here suffering with you while my kids still don’t know that I am moving out when the divorce is over. It will break me in two when the day comes and there really isn’t anything left to break. I keep praying that I die from stress in my sleep but still I wake. My parents divorce broke me and derailed my life. Now I will continue the cycle for my own children. I feel like I deserve to suffer for my part in it all. It always takes two but I was was the one that said I had enough. Keep your head up man and keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking a breath at a time. It becomes voluntary when times get this bad. I will be thinking of you and hoping the best for you. You will meet another girl someday that loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

It is true that isolation covers tragic feelings. But spit on Hades, and which one of us humans is not feeling in the winter of the soul these last days? Matter of fact, there is much grief that I hold inside of my own heart now, kept secret for personal reasons, and if I stop and sit on my pain, in order to prove that this snowball thrown at my life right now is just wet water, then how am I going to weather the other challenges going on right now, where is my life? I want to live, and if others are fickle, wanting to ask for help and then duck out when it comes, stay away from me, for I am not the person you imagined me to be. Sorry to seem theatrical and all but that's me.

Faust, I went through a separation last year. Its been... 1 year and 1 month since he walked out. I mourned all summer last year. In the fall he slowly crept back into my life... in winter we decided to give it another go and he moved back in with me. RIght now, this summer, I am living through every single painful moment I had last year. I have anniversaries every few days of some sad emotion i felt last year, of some weird fight we had, of him and his new girlfriend together. The pain is unbearable some days. I will be sitting and talking to my husband in the present, having a very enjoyable afternoon together, and It will just pop into my head, "this time last year he was with this woman saying he was having the best time of his life".

I find it so difficult to wrestle with these emotions. Because I feel on a level, I am like you, I married this man, I love this man, I would die for this man. I am LOYAL to this man. We are working through things very slowly mostly due to my lack of trust.
But i want to give you acautionary note, be careful with all this pain, the pain I suffered last year without my partner, I find myself still inflicted with it. It does take time to heal. Yes I am reading that you are still in love. I assure you I am too, with my husband. However, the pain I have of not being with him, its affecting me still tp this day, even as I sit by him, even as i reach out for him.

YOu really need to focus on healing yourself. I did. I left him, I walked away and told him be happy. Choose your happiness and enjoy it. I did not want to walk away, but i found myself becoming more depressed with my life, and obsessed with his. He did still talk to me, he did tell me he loved me. He told me he missed me, but all while he lay next to his new girlfriend. I had to walk away. it was tearing me apart each day wishing that he would come back to me. I walked away and found happiness with my family. I walked away from the best job and the best boss in the world, i walked away from the house i built a home in, i walked away from the only city my daughter grew up in.

They healed me to where I could get up and go out into the world again. It took me 4 or 5 months before I had no anxiety being in public but it worked. I suggest you work on finding something each day that makes you smile and enjoy that. I know that its hard because what made you happy could be spending time with your partner.
For example, I loved going for walks with my partner, looking at houses, redesigning them in our heads, "fixing them up". So i would do that on my own and enjoy it. It made me realize that I could still find that joy even if he wasnt by my side. Yes i wanted him there, but i kinda still enjoyed it even without him there.
Perhaps it might help you to get out a bit and do things that made you and her happy, but find that smile in you each day. Once she finds you sitting strong and happy, Once she finds the old you thats not depressed and withering away, maybe it will help her see what made her fall for you the first time.
By the way... the divorce diet (as i liked to name it) ... where we find ourselves not eating due to our depression, wow! I lost so much weight!!! How about you? However I gained it all back once i started taking care of myself, but wow!! that was a ton of weight I lost!! I wish I could have kept it off. :)

Take care Faust. I was in the dark dark darkness. I have my moments, but I never want to feel like that again.
I am also still fighting an uphill battle but I just want you to know that I have been in that darkness. Your not alone.

Thank you everyone for staying along with this post. I am glad that it has spawned so much conversation. I am still alive, well I guess its more like existing than alive really. I apologize for not writing yesterday, I slept a lot.

Hi Remiah, I hope you are doing well. Thank you very much for posting those links above, I have sent them to her, hopefully she will read them. I have also sent her a link to this site in the hope that she will come here and try to understand. I'm not sure wether she will but I am hoping. Thank you so much of thinking about me, I am still in a very bad spot with everything, today is feeling especially dark. Please keep me in your prayers.

Rneff8, it sounds like we are going through a lot of similar things right now, please feel free to message me, I would love to talk.

Absorbit, thank you for your post. You are very correct life really doesn't seem to make any sense right now. Its so hard for me to comprehend how things can all go awry so quickly with no discernible reason.

Jdb22, I have read your post and it made so many thoughts and feelings go through my head. I do worry about what all this pain and suffering is doing to me, I worry about the affect on my mental, emotional, and physical health. This is the absolute most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life. Yes I have lost a crazy amount of weight, more than 20lbs so far. Thank you very much for your post. I appreciate you sharing your story and assuring me that I am not alone. I keep trying to tell myself that same thing.

Thank you so much everyone, I have been praying so sooo much lately. Having everyone here replying and talking and sharing definitely helps. This pain is so brutal, I hope that no-one else ever has to experience anything like this. I want to invite all of you to please feel free to message me.

It takes courage to approach Remiah, lol! I appreciate you updating us faust. It's a pleasure to be here for you, and I am surrounding you with steady, daily prayer. God be with you. I pray for all...