I think the first session does feel like that. The counselor may want to see how the two of you interact so he/she can begin to help you work things out. Give it another shot. Counseling takes time to work.

The right counselor should help you navigate those difficult waters, so that you don't fall into the same old patterns. You might not be able to tell after just one session if this counselor will be able to do that (but hopefully there should be some good signs, even in the first session).

I have not been successful in couples counseling, even trying a few counselors--however, I still believe it is possible. Individual counseling can be very helpful but probably less likely to address issues of communication, problem-solving, etc., which might help the most in your arguments. An individual counselor can give you some insights and strategies, but until you try them out, it's hard to find out where the two of you get off track in trying to work things out. Good luck.

Thanks for your comments.

I really didn't feel anything positive from this counselor. I already have a dismal view of the relationship, and he just added to it.

I didn't expect that the problems would be resolved in one session, but I thought I would have some feeling of relief.

Sort of sad. It is my last hope, and I am very disappointed.

Give her time. She will address the best for last. I mean the most problematic person last. Then he will probably not go again. Speaking from experience.

I tried counseling over the years during my marriage and things just deteriorated. A good counselor can be very helpful but when the cycle of arguing continues sometimes you realize that it just isn't worth saving. I spent so many years hoping things would get better and they did but only after my divorce. My exhusband still thinks that we'll get back together but I could never go back to being that unhappy again. We fought for most of our 24 year marriage.

My husband doesn't think our problems are that bad. The fact that we can't get along and have no interest in spending time together doesn't seem to be a problem in his marriage equation.

He sees divorce as the solution when there are REAL problems (physical abuse, bankruptcy, alcoholism, etc.). Apparently, a complete lack of anything emotional (other than nasty fights) does not qualify as a real problem.

I think he believes that he can do a few loads of laundry, change a minor bad habit or two, and the problem will be solved. He really does not get it.

When we started the session, he told the counselor that he thought I was ready for a divorce, but even when he says it, it's like it doesn't register in his own mind. I was crying during our session, and he said he couldn't understand why I would cry. If considering ending a 23 year marriage isn't enough, I wonder just what it is that merits tears in his book.

We settled our divorce through a mediator and saved a lot of money that would have gone to lawyer fees. I cried during each of those sessions but getting a divorce was the best thing I could have done.
I has been a very hard 3 years but it also was worth all the struggle. For me it was a battle for independence from a tyrant. He kept me down by making me feel worthless.
Now he still hopes we'll get back together so he can be lazy and use me for his doormat again. Not happening.
I found a man who I get along great with and he makes me feel calm and secure whenever I'm with him. We always try to find ways to make one another happy and we both work hard.
It's so much better this time. I've been seeing him for over two years.

trigger trigger trigger

Our "relationship" counseling session was a huge disaster. The STBXH lied about everything and the shrink ate it up. I just sat there with my mouth open flabbergasted. Seriously. This idiot would have believe my X if he said he was a martian.

Counselors are idiots, just give me the pills.

I am fortunate in my current counselor. I have had the incredibly shitty caliber too in the past. The intelligence and discernment and concentration given by someone really gifted makes a tremendous difference.

Give her time. She will address the best for last. I mean the most problematic person last. Then he will probably not go again. Speaking from experience.

Wow, YaYasis, we must have been in the same counseling session~lol. Same thing happened with ex and me. We went to marriage counseling and ex would vent his spleen about how terrible the marriage was, what a terrible wife I am, blah blah blah. Then when I had my turn to fill the doc in on ex's bad habits (smoking weed, lying, cheating with women, verbal abuse, etc.), the counselor started to challenge ex. It was about a week after that challenge that ex came home one day and said, "The counselor says you don't have to come back anymore." I should have called the counselor myself but I took ex's word for it. It wasn't long after that ex dropped the counselor too.

Ex now says counselor told him to get a divorce. I don't believe this. The counselor would have said that to both of us.

I think ex quit the counseling because the counselor didn't tell him what he wanted to hear--that I was a terrible wife.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread. Your post provided a trigger.

Stick with the counseling, Lily. Give it a chance. Don't be afraid to articulate your needs to the counselor.

I think that the counselor should help you to avoid those "same old patterns." I have been to several different counselors, alone and with the STBX. I think you get a feel early on if this is someone you can work with or not. Trust your gut. If the counselor is not going to run interference between two warring factions and make sure that neither side is pulling off shenanigans, then what good are they? Often a substantial part of the trouble in a marriage is an imbalance of power--if the counselor allows this to go on in a counseling session, the less powerful person will continue to not have a voice, and this is no good. Maybe try it one more time, but if it still feels bad, I'd try someone else.

I also would STRONGLY recommend that you go to counseling alone as well--you will realize entirely different things than you can in joint counseling. But again, only see a counselor with whom you are comfortable opening up.

Interesting. My stbx reacted much the same way that Yaya's and Hurting's exes did. Once she sensed that our therapist wasn't "on her side," she stopped going.

Our therapist was my therapist before we started seeing her together, and I always kind of chalked that up to maybe my therapist, in spite of her best efforts, being a bit biased toward my point of view because she knew me better and had more invested in me than in my stbx.

I guess that still might be true. I just never really considered that my stbx might have stopped going simply because she was hearing things about herself that were uncomfortable. I always thought it had more to do with a poor rapport between her and our therapist.

I do not know all the details but let me make a comment. I gather your problem was that your husband did not acknowledgement his full and complete fault in the problems, and that his "defense of his actions" made this unproductive.

Assuming there is split responsibiliy, some discussion with a skilled counselor is useful, and your believe that the solution to any problems is his need to acknowledge full responsibility for all your problems is unrealistic.

Generally such situations lead to divorce, where you get a lawyer who at the onset agrees with everything you say, calls you an enabler for tolerating his dysfunctional behavior, he gets a lawyer that tells him likewise and you two deplete whatever limited assets you have an set the stage for some fighting after the divorce.

Thanks for all of your comments.

I hope that the counselor isn't taking either side. I understand that even in situations where one person has a problem (e.g. an alcoholic), the other person can contribute by their reactions to it.

If the counselor ever gets to a point of getting my husband to recognize what he is doing, I think he may very well walk out. My husband thinks he is perfect and he is never wrong. How could he accept that he is doing anything to cause problems in the relationship when he is the perfect husband?

A few weeks ago, I asked him why he thought I should stay in the marriage. He told me that I would never find a better husband than him. Wow. What do you say to that?

The counselor needs to see the dysfunction to treat it. And no you can't resolve issues like that in one session. The first session is about assessment. Individual therapy is always a good idea. No matter what happens with your marriage, it will help you explore your "self" and grow. Good luck.