No, it's not good and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Unfortunately I think it's just part of the grief cycle. You don't need anyone to tell you what you already know.
Holding on to that hurt and anger gives this control over your life. I think that's something we all struggle with and is part of the process.
The more you can control your thoughts and refocus them when you start feeling this way, the more you'll start taking your life back. It's hard and takes practice but ultimately it will make you feel better which is what's most important.
Don't feel guilty for being human...you have enough going on without throwing guilt into the mix. You're strong and you're a survivor...you'll get through this. Hugs!

I am one of those people who believe all that.
There are people who disagree.
I only know how anger and stress affects my body and it is not good. The person who I am angry with, does not care if I am angry or not. In fact, he thinks it is funny if I am angry and bitter, so he goes on his merry way while I am wallowing in my anger and bitterness.........Also, the effects being angry and bitter have on your body are mind boggling.
I refuse to let anyone else make me physically sick. I want a happy life and I refuse to let him or anyone else take that away from me.
I do try not and let people make me mad. It does make the people who want to make you mad....crazy.

The saying is something like this....Being angry and bitter toward someone is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting them to die.

I wish you the best.

I would like to get where you are gem111 - trying to do as melissa87 says. Somedays its a losing battle. I hate the guilt for feeling this way, it drives the anxiety as much as anything else. Thank you both for your responses - it helps.

Hmmm...drinking a bottle of poison and expecting someone else to die. I mean are there people out there that will actually do this i.e. have this rationale?

It's not funny but I won't be surprised.

I would say don't feel guilty about your anger. I have a much different perspective. Anger helped me keep my thoughts straight. If I wasn't angry, then I would sink back into thinking that our marriage could be saved which would then make me sad and depressed. It was better for me to come down off a "high" of anger than come up from a low of sadness. I haven't had to draw on it as much lately but I still do from time to time. You are not "doing unto others" if the thoughts are in your head. I never acted on my anger.

I admit it may be a little unorthodox, but there was a time when I was running and my stbx's boyfriend was coming the other way on his bike. We made eye contact and then I just stopped...didn't know what to do. I ended up not running after him. I wanted to knock him over, scream "thanks for f&*king up my life", and then beat the crap out of him. I didn't do any of that because it wasn't he wasn't worth it (plus he was with 5 other bikers so it would be 6 on 1). I discussed this with my therapist and he said, well, when he is on the ground you shove his mouth on the curb and step on his head so his teeth knock out. We had a little laugh and he said that those thoughts are perfectly natural as long as they are not acted upon. I guess he was comfortable telling me this as he knew I wouldn't do something stupid. Don't get me wrong...I'm not an advocate of unbridled rage and constant anger, but it was my way to deal with this horrible situation. My anger has decreased considerably as I became more comfortable with acceptance. So like the Emperor from Star Wars says "Embrace your anger"

^ Good one about anger. The scriptures also said this:

Ephesians 4:26

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

The Rule we live by in my house is no one that I care about, leaves my house angry or upset. If there happens to be a misunderstanding, we fix it the second it happens.
My 2 boys are 28 & 33. They have their own houses, and they come and go, but no one has ever left angry

@gem...that is a Gem of a rule, one to live by

Thats funny whatthe123 - i have similar visions, mostly revenge based, but would not act on them. Perhaps accepting that its okay to be angry and okay to have angry thoughts as long as they are just thoughts will help accepting it all. Drowing myself in guilt and shame hasn't worked. Worth a try

I actually think that anger can be a positive thing during the healing process. When you're just depressed and heartbroken, you're (understandably) feeling sorry for yourself, and likely dealing with lowered self-esteem and self-worth. It's awful. But if you're angry, you recognize yourself as deserving better than what you're dealing with. You deserve a happy life, and if someone or something has gotten in the way of that, you get to be mad about it. And you can use that anger to fuel positive actions - trying new physical hobbies, creating (or increasing) a workout plan, etc.

Of course, you don't want to hold on to the anger longer than necessary. You don't want to let it make you bitter and jaded toward relationships. But it's a normal part of the grief process, and trying to push past it or suppress it can be as difficult (and as ultimately futile) as trying to push past or suppress the sadness we all have to get through. When you're angry, let yourself feel angry. And when that anger no longer serves to improve your life, you can work on letting it all go.

My stbx suggested I have lunch with his "friend" I replied with only punching her in face 1time. He then decided maybe I should visit with her husband, we'd probably have lots in common. I knew if I acted on my anger it would just make her more of a victim (which being her hero/savior is part of her attractiveness I think). Summer started & she had a diving mishap & broke her nose on swimming pool bottom. Figured it was God taking care of me....

I have been sorry feeling he is suffering from midlife crisis and being taken advantage of by more than just her. Torturing myself with all horrible things I've done or not done as wife. I am creating some 'healthy hate' to help me try to move on. Have seen and chose to ignore things in order to work on our marriage, but found more things since he left and found more. Instead of shredding or burning just put into a box.
It is hard, but I'm trying to become a better person to others in general along with keeping things good between us for the sake of our kids. Trying not to let them see me during meltdowns or anger moments.

If you could walk away without hurt and anger that would be a sign of not caring. Just try not to go overboard either direction for too long. Good podcasts on thriveology.com that are free and available on demand. I turn them on when I can't sleep at night.

How far are you into it?

I say that because getting angry is a stage of grieving, and detachment. If you're past about 4 months, then it's time to start getting over it.

If you've got kids, they'll take their cues from you on how to approach life. When they see you actually get over it, they'll learn that they can get over things that they at first think that are insurmountable.

For yourself, the stress that you'll put yourself under will do all sorts of bad things to your health

And then, it's just a miserable way to live.



In the meantime.......there are things you can do. Put a picture (or draw one) of him up....and throw darts at it. Tear it into pieces and flush it (up to you if you want to do something else on top of it while the pieces are floating in your toilet bowl.....), bake his favorite cookies and give them to your local fire department. Give away any belongings left behind to some homeless person.

Watch Taylor Swift's Blank Space and toast to her ideas.....

Look up divorce jokes on the internet.

Laugh, cry, break something (that you don't need), repeat.

And know that others have made it through all of this before you, you'll make it through yourself, and eventually you'll help others.

Healing Hugs,
Patti

Oh and feelings often become a habit. You can try giving yourself a certain amount of time a day (say 30 minutes) and then you have to put it aside and think ahead.

love your post Patti22! Thank you. Made me smile.

I've never felt guilty about ill feelings I had, but I know me and my body, and why should I wreak havoc on myself, physically and emotionally, by letting him, or anyone, chew up so much of my thoughts and feelings?