I think it depends on what works best for you. If not feeling the feelings of grief that come up, or anger, works for you, then by all means do that.

For others, jumping headlong into those emotions means working through the process more directly.

I think people can run the risk of getting too comfortable in their grief and it becoming depression, just as much as people can run the risk of being in denial of their emotions, or of what people are doing when they cross boundaries (that would anger anyone else).

I suppose as long as we keep an even keel, our eyes focused on where we want to be, and still be authentic with ourselves, we'll get to where we need to go.

The point is that you choose. I have times when I feel sad or angry, but not because someone 'made' me. I curled up in a ball and cried my eyes out for a few hours last week because I was sad from what I lost and wanted to feel sad. I didn't say you shouldn't be sad or grieve. I said it's up to you what you do. Hence the ownership. I love music and choose not to let anyone interfere with my ability to listen to it. I don't want to be sad when I hear songs that my husband and I listened to together so I'm not.

I myself did jump headlong into the emotions. Reacting to loss with anger and sadness is part of being human. If you don't feel those emotions you'll never get over the loss. But how long you do it is completely up to you. I am the only one who is in control of where my life is going and how long it will take me to get to where I want to be.

You have one smart mom, and it sounds like you've explained it well to your kiddo maybe s/he has to have an event right for him to functionally apply it. I agree we all have choices in every situation, they may not be great choices or easy choices but choices none the less unfortunately I find that my problem is not "seeing" what my choices are when my emotions get in the way.

I have great reverence for emotions. I find them to have an intelligence and wisdom separate from intellect. So I do my best to feel them as honestly and authentically as I can. I've made the choice to deny them before because they were unpleasant, or too intense, or inconvenient, or because my ego got in the way because they didn't feel 'dignified", only to find that was to my own detriment.

I recognize , not everyone feels that way about them, that instead they find courage or comfort in choosing to be or feel something "other than". Speaking only for myself, I find it important to feel, recognize what I feel, recognize why I feel it and then choose my actions, rather than choose my emotions.

I choose to feel something other than what I was feeling when I was with my exS, which is why I don't want to divert, change or deny my feelings ever again. They were trying to tell me very important things. Different background of experience, I suppose.

I personally can't think and feel at the same time. Blocking emotions is hard on your body and delays healing. Something I struggle with from time to time and keep an eye on so I don't do it. On the other hand, letting my emotions block my thinking is even worse and is why I'm here. My emotions are strong and cloud my judgement. My heart for instance has no idea that I attract the wrong type of me. My head gets this and is going to be damn sure to keep the upper hand next time.

OMG that is such an important point, and what we all need to strive for yes? Having our emotions and rational thinking in tune with one another, or at least acknowledging and respectful of one another.

so right on

I think they are just both important and you need to acknowledge their roles in your life and give them both the floor at the appropriate time. You can't live a full life without both but they sure can be dangerous if their lines get crossed.

What a wise mom you had and what a wise woman and mom you have begun!

It is not about being devoid of emotions, but rather experiencing those emotions and then choosing what effect they have on you in the long run. Therein, lies the choice.

Thank you for sharing such an uplifting piece today!

@ new2this2 & JoyRide - My absolute favoite album is Rush Hemispheres and favorite song on it is Cygnus X - 1 Book ii: Hemispheres. The battle between heart and mind. It ends with The sphere: a kind of dream -

We can walk our road together
If our goals are all the same
We can run alone and free
If we pursue a different aim

Let the truth of love be lighted
Let the love of truth shine clear
Sensibility
Armed with sense and liberty
With the heart and mind united
In a single perfect sphere

As much as my mind might want to strike out and be angry at or blame my XGF, my heart tends to soften that. The truth is I do love her still, even after being dumped 3 times. That love for her is my love. It comes from me and only I can destroy it. I find this relatively easy.

As much as my heart still wants to be with her (and I really don't have a choice here as I'm the dumpee), my mind is attempting to temper that desire with the knowledge (truth) we really aren't right for each other. I honestly don't find this one very easy! ;)

I know that's because I just don't think the same way she does and I can't truly understand some of the reasons she has given. That's my confusion and I just have to respect her feelings and thoughts. If these are her perceptions, then they are in fact her reality, and that is certain to doom any possibility of a healthy relationship.

As far as choosing how we feel, yes, in the end we are responsible for this. However there is a process I feel I must go through to get over this, and I try to be careful to not blame my XGF for my feelings associate with the grieving process. I know she did not do this to hurt me. I believe her when she says she does in fact care for me and worries about me. The breakup was just something she felt was in our best interest.

Anyway, I think I'm coming to some level of acceptance. The crying has ended. Yes, men do cry! ;) The sleepless nights have basically ended, though my sleep is not perfect. I'm beginning to function better at work again.

It's still not easy, but I know it will get better as time passes. I just have to keep my heart and mind communicating. Tempering each other's extremes, eventually coming back to the balance that was before.

I think we all have to practice mind over mood at some point or we wouldn't be employable, be able to parent, and we'd end up in a rubber room. I try to watch out for distorted thoughts and reframe those, that is choose not to let them create a "wrong" emotion. If I see someone and they don't seem glad to see me, I might think about it all night, like "what did I do?, why don't they like me?", when they might just have been having a bad day and not thinking of me at all. Nathanael Branden said "self-concept is destiny", so we'd better be careful what we think and train our minds to think healthier, maybe even like an athlete trains muscles. Mind over mood sometimes, and at other times let the emotions and tears flow.

I love that quote! "Self-concept is destiny". Who you are and how you live your life is only up to you. Can I stamp that on my forehead? I swear you can look at the breakup of any relationship and the blame almost always falls at the feet of self esteem.

This came in myh email today -- synchronicity perhaps.

"Few is the number who think with their own minds and feel with their own hearts."
Albert Einstein

"The next time you hear a song on the radio that reminds you of your ex, take a pause and realize that you have the choice to let it hurt you or just listen to the music and enjoy it."

I love this line. I read this the other day, and I was going to copy it down but I didn't have a chance. Luckily I was able to search for it because I couldn't remember where I saw this. I hope this to be true for me one day. I know it took me a long time to listen to songs that reminded me of my first serious girlfriend (and hard break-up). And now, if I hear the song that my stbx and I danced to at our wedding, I get all worked up, but I love that song and I never want to hate it or anything. So I hope I can get to that day where I can listen to it again, and not think of it as our wedding song but just a great sweet song.

And I agree with the rest of it. It is up to us to make the choice to feel or not. It's just a lot harder in the beginning, that's for sure :)

I truly enjoyed reading this thread, thank you all, I have to say though, it is really hard sometimes to stop feeling sad about all of this, but my mother told me, why shed tears over someone who is clearly not crying over you. It makes sense, truly it does.....but I find it hard to do sometimes, well actually most of the time.

Great discussion. All your comments show definite work in process not only of healing but thriving and moving forward.
Emotions whether of anger, sadness, suppression can be such a cloudy mess. I'm working through that confusion in hopes I can make better choices in future.