Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but the last couple weeks have been extremely hard for me. I don't know why, but I've started having dreams again about my ex. This started about a week and half ago or so, and at first, it was just memories. Like a wonderful date, or our first kiss, stupid romantic stuff mostly. I assumed I wasn't really tired enough to sleep, so the next night, I really wore myself down, to the point of being so tired I almost fell getting to bed. My head hit the pillow, and out I was. But this time, a horrible nightmare.
I'm laying in bed, watching as she chops me up. It was one of the more odd dreams I've had, but definitely not completely bonkers for me. Ever since, that dream has been stuck and it is what I see when I sleep. It progresses farther and farther each night, but I always wake up, with a nose bleed. I'm not sleeping well as a result, and as a result have been kind of depressed.
I didn't help myself any, thinking it was a sign, and looked her up online. That only has compounded my issues. I didn't make contact, or anything like that, but read on her art website how happy she is. How she is working again, how she isn't sick, how she has this amazing guy in her life, and has never been this happy before. I don't know why, but it really tore me down inside. I've been crying, and analyzing things, to the extent that I'm once again driving myself crazy.
The main thought, was if she was really sick, and if so, did I make her that way. If she wasn't, and was faking it, which is the hunch of my mother, sister, and a few of my friends that know the situation well, what was the purpose of it? I know no one can answer these for me, but it is what I think about. I feel like I'm self inflicting guilt onto myself, because if I did in fact make her sick, what kind of person am I. Not only that, but how can I ever find someone, when I am liable to damage them so badly that they behave like a 5 year old.
I'm so lost right now. And if that isn't enough, yesterday I get mail for her, from our old place. So to farther remind me that I'm not in Ohio anymore, that I'm still separated from her, and that I'm stuck and trapped here for the unforeseeable future. 3 months and 5 days to go until 1 year passes. 3 months 5 days until she can file for divorce, and rid herself of me once and for all. And what's so sad, is that at this point, I just don't care about any of it anymore. I want her to be happy, and work, and be a productive person in life. But the fact that she is all better because I'm not in her life, it kills me inside.
Is me being disabled, and having MG such a curse, that it even pushes those I love away? I've been more active in the last 9 months then I have been in 8 years, and while it feels great, I worry I'm going to do the same thing to my parents and friends. I have already been told that when someone gets in a fight with me, I use my MG to end the fight. The stress is too much for me, and it makes me really sick, but for some reason that is wielding it like a weapon, and not being self protective. It gets perceived that I'm using it to guilt them into not fighting, when in reality I don't want to be on the floor, helpless, because I let my emotions and stress get the better of me.
So yep. I'm a complete mess, and am struggling just to get through the days right now. I don't think there is anything I can do, I guess I'm just going to have to feel this. But is there anything I can do to maybe break the cycle a little? Like getting a good night's sleep? I'm so worn down, I can barely cook dinner, let alone all the other stuff I've been trying hard to keep up with for my mother. Truth be told, since I know she won't see this, I feel like I'm replacing my father a bit. Feel kind of like if he were home, he would be doing some of this to help her out.
But then again, who really knows. I'm doing the best I can to be there and support her, even though it is her decision to be stressed. I guess maybe her depression is rubbing off me. I don't know anymore. I just know, I need to get the ex out of my head, and go back to the mindset that she is bad for me, and that I don't need nor want her in my life anymore. But right now, all I want is for her to hold me, and tell me it is going to be ok. I'm so screwed up right now. Sorry guys.
I'm laying in bed, watching as she chops me up. It was one of the more odd dreams I've had, but definitely not completely bonkers for me. Ever since, that dream has been stuck and it is what I see when I sleep. It progresses farther and farther each night, but I always wake up, with a nose bleed. I'm not sleeping well as a result, and as a result have been kind of depressed.
I didn't help myself any, thinking it was a sign, and looked her up online. That only has compounded my issues. I didn't make contact, or anything like that, but read on her art website how happy she is. How she is working again, how she isn't sick, how she has this amazing guy in her life, and has never been this happy before. I don't know why, but it really tore me down inside. I've been crying, and analyzing things, to the extent that I'm once again driving myself crazy.
The main thought, was if she was really sick, and if so, did I make her that way. If she wasn't, and was faking it, which is the hunch of my mother, sister, and a few of my friends that know the situation well, what was the purpose of it? I know no one can answer these for me, but it is what I think about. I feel like I'm self inflicting guilt onto myself, because if I did in fact make her sick, what kind of person am I. Not only that, but how can I ever find someone, when I am liable to damage them so badly that they behave like a 5 year old.
I'm so lost right now. And if that isn't enough, yesterday I get mail for her, from our old place. So to farther remind me that I'm not in Ohio anymore, that I'm still separated from her, and that I'm stuck and trapped here for the unforeseeable future. 3 months and 5 days to go until 1 year passes. 3 months 5 days until she can file for divorce, and rid herself of me once and for all. And what's so sad, is that at this point, I just don't care about any of it anymore. I want her to be happy, and work, and be a productive person in life. But the fact that she is all better because I'm not in her life, it kills me inside.
Is me being disabled, and having MG such a curse, that it even pushes those I love away? I've been more active in the last 9 months then I have been in 8 years, and while it feels great, I worry I'm going to do the same thing to my parents and friends. I have already been told that when someone gets in a fight with me, I use my MG to end the fight. The stress is too much for me, and it makes me really sick, but for some reason that is wielding it like a weapon, and not being self protective. It gets perceived that I'm using it to guilt them into not fighting, when in reality I don't want to be on the floor, helpless, because I let my emotions and stress get the better of me.
So yep. I'm a complete mess, and am struggling just to get through the days right now. I don't think there is anything I can do, I guess I'm just going to have to feel this. But is there anything I can do to maybe break the cycle a little? Like getting a good night's sleep? I'm so worn down, I can barely cook dinner, let alone all the other stuff I've been trying hard to keep up with for my mother. Truth be told, since I know she won't see this, I feel like I'm replacing my father a bit. Feel kind of like if he were home, he would be doing some of this to help her out.
But then again, who really knows. I'm doing the best I can to be there and support her, even though it is her decision to be stressed. I guess maybe her depression is rubbing off me. I don't know anymore. I just know, I need to get the ex out of my head, and go back to the mindset that she is bad for me, and that I don't need nor want her in my life anymore. But right now, all I want is for her to hold me, and tell me it is going to be ok. I'm so screwed up right now. Sorry guys.
The rollercoaster is a rollercoaster. We have ups and downs, but the ups get longer and the downs shorter. You'll get past this and you'll be back to your happy self again. Take care of yourself in the meantime--be good to yourself.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
Now, I want to suggest something. I've been reading a book by Adam Carolla (he was on TV for a while and appears with Dr. Drew Pinsky at times and he's really funny). His book is called "Not Taco Bell Material." It's called that because he worked at Taco Bell at a in his younger years and they let him go telling him he "wasn't Taco Bell Material." He didn't forget it and it makes a great book title.
I've been reading the book and didn't realize the crap life he had led and the crap jobs he had worked. It it wern't for some of his friends he probably wouldn't have made it through. But the book has such a funny tone to it that I've gotten to the points where it is really funny.
It made me realize that even he worked really hard at crappy jobs and had a crappy life and he made it through the tunnel of Hell. It speaks to me that if he can do it, he rest of can too. We probably won't get famous, but we can make it through the tunnel of Hell.
If you get a chance, see if you can get the book from your library and you guys will particiulary enjoy it because it is from the viewpoint of a guy and his life. They did some crazy stuff.
Year 6 for me, during the time everything went down with her "being sick", we were great. No fighting, that I can remember, all our bills got paid, we had an extra 200 or so a month to play with, which for us was decent enough. She enjoyed her job, or so she claimed. It just doesn't make any sense to me, and I am so frustrated that I can't see a reason for this betrayal.
Were my family and friends such a threat, such a burden, such a problem to her, that she thought the only way to get me back in isolation out in Ohio/WV was to fake a unknown disease? Of all things, why destroy our stability with money, and force me and her to live off 800 dollars a month, and live off the state of Ohio for everything? The only justification I can see for this is that my friends were around more, and I was happier. I didn't feel alone as much, and with my sister and mother back in my life, I was actually repairing the damage I did previously, and a lot of childhood stuff that didn't even involve her.
I'm just so frustrated. I know I should just rise above it, and not let it bother me, but it is like a dagger in my heart right now. To know, that for the last 4 years I lived in hell, pinching every penny, being isolated, being chair bound, being insulted and put down, made to feel guilty repeatedly because of my MG, made to be completely broken and under her will, all because she wanted to fake being sick?
Why would you do that to someone? How could you do that to someone? Maybe I'm just too emotional to see this clearly, that is quite a possibility, but what did I do to deserve it? All because I was fixing the damage, and becoming friends again with my best friends. I'm actually crying right now just thinking about 4 years ago. How I told them we had to move, for her, because she would be better there. How we had to leave them all behind, how I just up and left my mother, when we had grown close, for the first time in my life. This whole situation is just so screwed up, so horrible, so mean, destructive, and yet it happened. And to think I am the one who is sitting here, crying, feeling guilty, I'm the biggest fool of all aren't I?
No. You're the decent person. You cared.
If someone goes out of their way to deceive you, there's nothing you can do. It doesn't make you a fool. It makes you someone with a heart, who was deliberately deceived.
You're ex has issues. MAJOR issues. Who knows why someone does something like that. You, and I, and pretty much anyone in the world wouldn't be able to understand.
Please be kind to yourself. Don't look back to the pain, but look forward... to the good new life you're making for yourself.
Yep. Very possibly. How about you just focus on you for a bit. Get you well again, then you can start looking out for others again. If you keep trying to shoulder everything for them, and it has a negative effect on you, and you're not able to be the supportive person you want to be, then have you really done them a good service?
I don't think I'm expressing myself very well, but look on it like a caretaker (e.g., a parent, or a partner of someone sick)--the caretaker has to take some time "me time" to look after themselves and their own needs so that they can continue to give their best care to those who need it. If the caretaker suffers, then the person/s being cared for eventually suffers too.
Does that make any sense? I haven't had coffee yet...
Just try focusing on you for a bit. Do some good things for you. If you think you might be suffering from winter moods try some light therapy -- http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/light-therapy/MY00195
I understand what you mean kp. Watching my ex be what she considered a caretaker, I can understand the need to do for yourself sometimes. I have the whole day to myself, so when I am not cleaning, I'm relaxing, and normally got the music cranked. I have too much me time I honestly think. At least too much time to think, which seems to be my general problem to begin with. I'll see about reworking my time a little to focus a little more on me. Honestly, at this point, I'm willing to try anything.
I hate with a passion being depressed like this. I know it isn't healthy, but for some reason I can't stop feeling this way. I realize some of it is all in the way you look at things, but there is a part of me that for some reason just wants to be sad right now, and is overwhelming the mindset of that I'm lucky, and that I'm doing alright for myself, given my situation. So it has been winning, and as a result I guess I'm struggling, looking back to things I shouldn't be.
If I may say, I just wonder what I did. I truly do wonder what was so horrible about me, that caused this downward spiral with her. I know it is counterproductive, but at the same time, I feel like if I knew that, maybe I wouldn't be so afraid to find someone new eventually. I hate this notion in my head, that if I do find someone to love, and someone that will love and accept me for who I am, I'm only going to destroy them like I did her. Maybe it is fear of the unknown. Maybe I'm just unaware, because my ex was my first real relationship, and the only real one I've had. I would hate to think that I'm the sole cause of it, but at this point, I really don't know anymore.
C'mon sidestep... I'm gonna have to slap you one day for all your "women" comments. :p
Emotionally, I'm generally good. I'm very good at being supportive and listening, and being the shoulder you cry on type of guy, and can definitely be a rock when it comes to that. Don't get me wrong, I do have my moments, like now for instance, but I'm not such a mess that if they needed me I couldn't console them or help them. Lord knows I do nightly with my mother, and unless I say something, she hardly knows about what goes on in my head.
I feel personally, since we are on the subject, that I got a ton of hurdles to overcome before a woman is introduced into my life. I know in today's culture, it isn't seen as a horrible thing to be with your parents, but it bugs me personally. Not having a car is a dead end as far as I'm concerned, as I wouldn't trust someone I just met on the internet to see where I live and to pick me up. Just won't happen. Then there is the whole divorce thing, which can't even begin to start until May 12th, 2013.
So I haven't been worrying about it really. I've talked to a few girls, did have a 2 week thing with my crazy stalker dying girl, but otherwise, staying to myself. Wouldn't of even did anything with the stalker, had she not contacted me. I had no idea of her existence to be honest, because I did all I could to block her out. But yea, that is another story all together.
But my fear, isn't so much using up a woman, as that makes it sound like their a commodity, which to me they aren't, but more that my illness will forever taint the relationship. I do what I can to manage it, and contain it, and to be as normal as one can be, but eventually, once you trust them, they are going to see you on a bad day. You are going to want them there on a bad day. How I would even handle that right now is beyond me.
I hide away when I'm really weak, from family and friends alike, because I don't want to be a burden. If I can't walk, I stay in bed, and use my walker to move around to the bathroom and back. I generally don't eat, and just rest. It is rare that I'm that sick, but it does happen on occasion. On my more mild bad days, I will cook, but I don't really interact much, and won't go out, or have company over.
Honestly, I'm ashamed to be sick. I hate being looked down upon and pitied for it. I know I will have to work on this, but for now, I'm still not ready. For now, I still view my weakness as a major vulnerability, and one I should protect myself against. You can thank my ex for that mindset. The things she did, the way she treated me, all the conditioning, so much to undo, but at the same time, protecting against the vulnerability might not be such a bad thing. I don't know on that. I figure when that bridge comes I'll handle it.
whats going on Testi.. you're a good egg, keep that head up and moving forward...
The role model thing, I kind of agree a little. 90% of my life has been influenced by females. My dad, while a great father was never home due to his job, and I have 2 sisters. So As you can imagine, not seeing him often, and living with my mom and them as a kid, it shaped me a bit. Then being married, and all that, shaped me even more with women, and now, back to being with my mom, so yea.
I've never really had anything to go on, aside from what I've seen my dad do. I think that is where my drive to work, and provide, and care for a woman comes from. The difference however between me and him, is that I'm emotionally available, unlike him. I find that I take after my mom a lot more, and the silly quirks I have, she has had them for years and I never noticed until recently.
I'm sure it can be a piece of cake, or easy. I really believe that it can. I'm just not sure if easy is something I do well with, as I find even simple things I find a way to make them complicated. Trust me when I say, cooking is an adventure with me. I look like I'm destroying the kitchen every night, but the food comes out delicious. I over think things a lot, and get side tracked really easily, and lose my thought process and way a lot. I don't know if that is just me, my MG, or something else, but it is what I have been for 8 years now.
Thanks Chi, for your praise of me. I do my best to be a good person, so I'm glad that people can see it. I'm working on the head up thing, trust me it is hard. The last two days my friends have been great taking me out and talking to me a bit about my feelings on this, so I am feeling a lot better thankfully.
I'm completely drained, physically, but I'll rest and be ok soonish. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow too, but at this point, no idea if I will or not. Might have to shut the body down for a day to recover. On the bright side, I bowled a 143 game today, before the weakness overcame me. Second game was 76, so yea, a bit of a difference. :)
I don't know how to not complicate things though, so if you have any insight on how to do that, it would be wonderful. Being who I am, I find it hard not to over think it, or not to analyze it, and that is how I make things complicated I think. If I could learn how to shut that part down, I think my life would be a lot easier in of itself. Definitely wouldn't have the pain that causes me to post, seeking help, because I struggle with my thoughts on my ex. :)