I understand your feelings completely. I also have the same feelings and thoughts of my stbxw. She left me yet I am the one feeling guilty and at fault for the breakup.

It is tough to think badly of the person we love and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with but you have to remember the person you are and that they chose to move on, they made the decision to leave.

I feel it is okay to remember the good times and memories but that person you shared that with is no more and they have moved on. You don't have to think badly of them of but you have to remove them from the pedestal.

You can't control the thoughts and feelings of the people around you, those are there emotions.

My experience has been very different from yours. I left him, he was abusive, and I have journals full of my accounts of the horrible ways he treated me. That was the only way I could cope at the time, was to privately vent like that. So maybe I have more reminders than most people, that my marriage was not so happy.

He is angry with me about the divorce, so he still treats me badly most of the time. I have low expectations when it comes to him. However, once in a while he is reasonable or at least, not argumentative. I am usually taken off guard when that happens.

What I have concluded is that none of us are 100% good or 100% bad. We all do good and bad things, so why beat yourself up for acknowledging that there were good times?

I think many of us think about the past, or our youths, with nostalgia, because we've forgotten the unpleasant details. I have also learned from re-reading my journals, that my memory has buried some of the most humiliating experiences I had with my ex. That might be a coping/survival mechanism of the mind, or maybe the pathways to that memory have just disappeared because I rarely go back there. So what I'm saying is that there were surely bad times as well as good, and there are reasons why it's normal for you to mostly remember the good.

If this is getting in the way of your healing, the only advice I have is to go 100% no-contact with your ex, if you have not already. Time will eventually take care of the memories and the urges to make contact.

I should clarify that we have kids together - that's why I have to deal with my ex on a regular basis. I do believe in 100% no-contact, I just haven't been able to achieve it yet due to court orders.

Everyone is a complex mix of good and bad.

It's many years post divorce and I generally think well of my ex.

That said, I'd never go back. I remember enough of the bad to know that. My ex never cheated, but I'd say that that is a deal breaker.

She can be wonderful in 99.999% of the time, but that one is still a deal breaker.

I could have written your post. It was 17 months before I started crawling out of grief and stopped blaming myself for his decision to cheat. I had Sooo many excuses for him.

I am finally able to say (and mean it) that he made these choices - and they were selfish, weak, cowardly choices and that I deserve better than he treated me.

I think one of the reasons I held on to "But, he is a good guy! Just depressed... or just... or if only I had....". Is because, if I admit his faults, than I have to admit I have to take blame for not having seen and acted on the warning signs. By protecting his image, I am protecting my own (in some twisted way).

Google ChumpLady. It is a bit over the top. But, hearing others' blame selves or feel guilt about a cheating ex - and the very frank responses from ChumpLady - really woke me up.

Over in the abuse forum, moderator Ilene has written a post explaining a very powerful exercise (that I believe she created.) It is so helpful when this desire for the ex comes up.

You take a stack of notecards and write down every horrible thing your ex ever did to you, each event on its own card. Some things may be heart-stopping awful, some things might just be little. As long as they hurt you, write them down. You can add to the stack as you remember things. Keep the finished cards all together.

Then, any time you start to feel that longing pop up, that way of remembering only the good times, questioning if you should get back together, or just thinking your breakup was a bad thing, look at your stack. You don't have to look through every single card, just look at the stack and remind yourself that there are reasons you are not together, and they are good ones.

It makes it WAY easier to handle those feelings. Which, by the way, are totally normal. People who have been abused, who have survived their partners trying to kill them, who's kids have been hurt by their ex.... even we go through this stage. It's confusing and it hurts. But you can make it!

I like that one tulip

I made a list like on paper threw it
away the pain was too much. Same
As my journal.

I had printed out so much material
During the bad times. I would find
Them again and reread the articles
and guess What still the same. No
Improvements.

Nothing changes if nothing changes

(((((( hugs)))))

Tulip, I saw that exercise & did it & I really believe it was the start of my being able to turn the corner.

don't get me wrong, I still cry every day & I am struggling to let go...but writing all those things down was very powerful & I have not initiated contact since.

My next plan is to write out some of the benefits of not being with my H anymore...i think this could be helpful to some of us too.

My now ex kind of led a double life consisting of sexting and cheating for almost 8 years. I had no idea, loved him for the good man I thought he was. I still do.....
His side hobbies came to light almost 2 years ago now, with a final performance back in December of 2014 - that's when we split.
So, I can totally understand how you still feel all of this pain. After everything that has happened, I still love this man, because when I married him it was because I loved him and I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
I am ok with the fact that I still love him and probably always will, but I have grown in the past year. I know what I am worth, what I have to offer and what I will not settle for. July of this year will be the 2 year mark of when I first found out about one of his transgressions.
I still miss him every day, still listen for his footfall, still wait for him to stick his head through the door, still miss having him hold me...
yet I am ok with where I am at this point in life. Not where I had seen myself, but I know I am better off than to live with a man who neither loved nor respected me.
The pain will linger, but it will ease in time. Being alone/on your own is really not that bad.
I am starting to enjoy it. I can do what I want, when I want with whom I want and most of all, I don't have to worry about anybody lying/cheating on me

Well I can't take credit for the card exercise but I know how powerful it can be!

I hope it helps someone else.

Our stories are similar, I suspect, and so is our persistent devotion for the wives who betrayed our love and commitment. I do want a positive, cooperative, and even friendly relationship with the mother of my children as I believe this will provide the best co-parenting environment for our children. Having said that, it would be soooo much easier if I could consider her the enemy and let bitterness instill hatred for this woman. It is not happening. I still look for some kind of feelings from her. I still feel deep lover for her. I still anguish over the grief of losing her love and her desire to replace my love with someone else's.

If you find a way to separate those feelings from your wife, please share the secret with me. Until then, I will pray for peace and healing for us.