Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
How do you decide when it is time to end a marriage?
There have not been any shocking problems like affairs, alcoholism, physical abuse, etc. in our marriage. I just feel like my husband and I are emotionally divorced. We can't seem to spend more than a few minutes together without getting into an argument. We now spend almost no time together at all. I am so lonely, but it isn't enjoyable to be with him either.
For years, we walked together, and now he walks by himself without even asking me if I want to go along. He has suggested taking separate vacations, and he's taken a few vacations with his friends. We watch TV in separate rooms. He doesn't want to hear anything about work, so I can't talk about what happened during my day. We have very little conversation.
Companionship is the most important thing to me in a marriage, and I no longer have any companionship from him. I feel so emotionally rejected and alone.
I don't know how to change things. Even if he said he wanted to go on vacation or take a walk with me, at this point, I would feel so pathetic doing it. Who wants to spend time with someone who doesn't like being with them?
He says he still loves me and he wants to stay married, but I don't understand what he thinks love and marriage is supposed to be? If I were divorced and alone, I couldn't be any lonelier.
The positives of our marriage are higher standard of living, stability for our twelve-year-old son, shared housework/parenting, etc. Sometimes, it seems easier to just stay married. I tell myself that maybe I can find companionship with friends. Maybe I am expecting too much out of our relationship. I don't want to be selfish and screw up my son's life. It's not like my husband is a wife-beater or an alcoholic spending us into a financial hole.
How do you decide what is good enough to maintain a marriage?
There have not been any shocking problems like affairs, alcoholism, physical abuse, etc. in our marriage. I just feel like my husband and I are emotionally divorced. We can't seem to spend more than a few minutes together without getting into an argument. We now spend almost no time together at all. I am so lonely, but it isn't enjoyable to be with him either.
For years, we walked together, and now he walks by himself without even asking me if I want to go along. He has suggested taking separate vacations, and he's taken a few vacations with his friends. We watch TV in separate rooms. He doesn't want to hear anything about work, so I can't talk about what happened during my day. We have very little conversation.
Companionship is the most important thing to me in a marriage, and I no longer have any companionship from him. I feel so emotionally rejected and alone.
I don't know how to change things. Even if he said he wanted to go on vacation or take a walk with me, at this point, I would feel so pathetic doing it. Who wants to spend time with someone who doesn't like being with them?
He says he still loves me and he wants to stay married, but I don't understand what he thinks love and marriage is supposed to be? If I were divorced and alone, I couldn't be any lonelier.
The positives of our marriage are higher standard of living, stability for our twelve-year-old son, shared housework/parenting, etc. Sometimes, it seems easier to just stay married. I tell myself that maybe I can find companionship with friends. Maybe I am expecting too much out of our relationship. I don't want to be selfish and screw up my son's life. It's not like my husband is a wife-beater or an alcoholic spending us into a financial hole.
How do you decide what is good enough to maintain a marriage?
In your first response you had a road map, so you are fortunate to have it al in one concise place.
For myself, given the choice between dying in my sleep before it happened, and living through one hour of how I have felt since my husband abandoned me, I would vastly prefer the dirt nap to the divorce. And I am neither joking nor exaggerating. I would have done anything to save my marriage.... it was the pride of my whole life and at 56, I have NOTHING to hope for in that vein again, so it is nonstop bloodletting loss and misery after an 18 year marriage. for me Your mileage might vary, and all marriages are different, and partners certainly hold the unions in a variety of esteem. Probably some will post who think divorce is miserable, but not the worst possible thing.
For me it is the worst possible thing that could have happened.
I hope you two will work on your marriage, but it DOES take two......
Being with someone for a long time can make it easy to just fall in to a rut and forget about all the "sensual" and fun things you used to do together. It becomes a habit or routine for some. Then as time goes on, you just forget how to be that way with each other. However, it takes both to realize this is where the relationship is right now and want to do something about it.
Some people are Ok living this way, they feel it is normal for two people with children to be at this point in their relationship. They some times do not see anything wrong. But you have to let him know how you feel as some, if not most people are not mind readers. He might think that everything is ok as it has been like this for awhile.
Talk to him, write a letter, just communicate however you can to get your point across and maybe work through this then end it.
My husband behaved in much the same way....distancing himself from me and the kids, being very grouchy , not wanting to do things with me or anyone...I thought he was depressed... I did notice him drinking more.... and he was always just sitting around on the couch...he occasionally went out after work with co-workers ..but not late..and had a few business related trips (less than in the past though)....
I used to say to my friends that he was becoming a troll on the couch! I was not happy and asked him for a divorce.....
he also said he loved me and begged me not to...he made some effort to change and I thought we were back on track...we sold our old house...bought a townhouse (it was my idea... I hoped he would have less work and be less grouchy!).....and....
guess what? after 30 years of marriage I find out that he had been having a 5 year long affair with a drunken ,married, office slut!
I never put two and two together.. I thought signs of affairs would be so different! But..after reading about it... this type of behavior is also a sign of infidelity...
so...just a word of caution....
P.S. I found out by stumbling on an email...and then I checked his phone...and Bingo!
My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. We have been to marriage counseling several times. The counseling has been pretty worthless. I haven't even asked him to go again because he's told me in the past that he doesn't see any point. I haven't gone myself, but I have considered it. I think I'm afraid that I'll come to the conclusion that the best answer is a divorce.
I have talked to my husband numerous times about how companionship is the most important part of the relationship for me. Either he doesn't get it, or he doesn't care. He is not someone who can put himself in another person's shoes. If it doesn't matter to him, he just can't see why it would matter to me.
Honestly, I think my husband thinks things are okay. Maybe it is like ChiTownBears says that he just thinks it is normal to be married this way.
The worst part is that the more I try to have a conversation with him, the worse I feel. If he isn't angry and nasty, then he's sarcastic and flippant. Half the time, I can't tell if he means what he says or not. Last night, we actually had a conversation where I thought he was fairly genuine and honest. Unfortunately, it was just to confirm that he really doesn't enjoy spending time with me. However, he says he loves me and wants to stay married, which boggles my mind. Those two ideas seem in direct opposition to me.
It has been in the last year that I have seen these changes coming on, although there has always been some degree of rejection in this way. It is just more pronounced lately.
I did consider that he might be having an affair. There have been some times where I suspected it. I suppose it is always possible. But any time when I was suspicious and checked on him, he is always where he's supposed to be. We both work at the same place, and he doesn't have a cell phone, so it would be fairly difficult for him to hide it.
Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to respond. I have felt so alone, and I just appreciate being able to share with someone.
Divorce is sadly the only option at times, but it isn't a very good option. It certainly doesn't automatically bring more happiness and fulfillment. Your economic situation and the well-being of your son will be affected. I hope you can find a way to save your marriage and make it better.