Sometimes it's better to just rip that band aid off, than to pull it off slowly. But you will never know. Those of us who were just left are haunted by thought of what might have been worked out. And we will never know. It all hurts.

I am sorry you are hurting so bad but either way it is painful, you are getting answers we left behind are not. I am not saying one is worse than the other they both suck. hang in there.

Patton,

But you can be mad. My story is somewhat different in that my spouse wanted to stay with me but be able to pretend he was single. He told all sorts of lies to me & other women. I told him to get out but he refused. So I thought that I needed to get past it by forgiving him. And for months I was devastated. The pain was destroying me. And then one day it clicked: "I am NOT ok with this, and I don't have to be." I got mad. And you know what? Mad is so much better than sad. Not saying that it's 100%. There are times when the sadness comes back. But it's a lot less.

Being mad is saying "I am worth way more than the crappy way you are treating me." Remember this. You are worth more than the crap that is being handed to you. Just for tonight, don't talk about it. Walk away.

My Ex has always wanted to stay friends. I tried for so long to do just that. I watch her date other men, and go out and have a great time with people. She really put herself out there.
Then when she hooked up with a total scumbag I had to watch that as well.
Then when he got through with her she came to me for support, and I gave it. We then started to see each other again. But I found it was only on her terms. It was very difficult. She actually said to me once, that she knew she could have done anything she wanted and I would take her back....Then another guy enters the picture, but she keep telling me her was only a friend, that wanted more.
I tried very hard to be ok with it. But I finally just gave up. She killed the love I once had for her.
To this day she still calls once a week or so. But I have nothing left.
I think she wanted to be friends so that she would not have to feel it was all her fault or something.
I now have totally moved on, not dating but emotionally I have moved on.
I think some people can pull it off. But for me I had to many feelngs to just be friends, hard to backup...
Good luck, I hope you get what you need, and God Bless.

Good response, #4. Similar to your situation, my husband said to me once "You should just deal with it (affair), she won't be around forever".... It clicked.... He thought that I would be around forever, no matter how bad he treated me.

There have been some other posts the past few days about remaining "friends".

I think this is bizarre. I don't need a "friend" who would lie to me, betray me, and hurt me so deeply. Not just once, but over & over, daily, for years!!!

come on people, let's get some self-respect (I'm talking to myself here mostly)

My ex did what you sometimes wish for. A couple of hours l;ater..life was completely different. Hell for a while..but looking back I am glad that it was over and done with so quickly.

Good luck..

Patton i understand where you are coming from. I would have rather had him tell me he cheated then not having an answer.

#4 & #5,
i like your responses. this trying to be friends thing is very tough. we are going to be in each others lives forever because of our son, so, we still need to be able to talk on a civil level.

believe me, you'd much rather be in the spot you're in, rather than another man. I have told her countless times thru the process "you should have just told me you wanted out", instead of causing me much pain and grief to move forward. I look at it now as she really did me a favor but still nonetheless, having her walk out amicably you're in a better place. You should consider counseling or therapy to help close the loop on the divorce and accept the new reality you're in. best to you.

Mine tried to pull the same crap with me after she walked out and at first I thought yea we can be friends, but its like I told her if and when you do something that is friendly that might happen but it has not happened yet and I don't see it ever happen. This was my highschool sweetheart my partner for 22 years and she is the one that stabs me in the back drags me into court and makes me talk to and hire a lawyer. Friends like that I don't need. Patton if you can't do it you need to tell her to get the fudge away from you and fudge off. Sorry I watched South Park last night.

I dont know, it doesnt seem as if it is helping you any by trying to work it out together. I clung on the hope of being friends but just this morning I realized, I so dont need a friend like that. My friends dont deliberatley do things that hurt me, they dont lie to me, they respect me and are loyal to me. It works the same in reverse, I to them.

I dont need any new friends of that kind now or at any time in my life. If I wanted to be his buddy only I wouldnt of married him. He was my ultimate best friend but he has thrown that away and will never get it back.

Maybe you need to cut back and work it out on your own because honestly, I dont think you will ever get enough answers that will make it all better. When it is an amicable divorce it is different because you dont have these issues of betrayal and mistrust, etc.