Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife and I had been in counseling for over two years. It helped me but it could not fix our marriage. I've been reading your personal stories here in this group. It has brought me some comfort so thank you all.
Twenty years. Two kids, one in college and one a sophomore. The entire time we were in counseling I felt like we were working together because we deep down really loved each other. But until last Sunday, I don't think my wife ever got to what was really the problem. She fell out of love with me. However, because she is like me... loyal like a dog... she believed she SHOULD love me. Sunday came about because I had gone into our last session knowing she was back at the beginning... walking on eggshells. I had hope for the last two years. A friend of mine says he is happy because he has no hope. Hmmmm. Okay, but that isn't how I want to live MY life. I kept waiting for her affection to come my way. Not sex, just hugs and appreciation. But she had become distant and non-communicative like she was when we started counseling. I asked her what was wrong but she didn't know or didn't want to admit it to herself. The cycle we were in wasn't good. It could start either with her or me, but either way, I'm resentful because she doesn't seem to love or appreciate me....or at least that is the way it feels. When I get resentful she feels it and becomes distant....egg shells. She had also started up an online relationship with a young man from Australia. I was jealous because I felt she was having an affair of the heart. On Monday I said that I thought she was depressed. I've been dealing with depression for some time. I've done a lot of work. But it dawned on me that she was incapable of giving love either because she wasn't able to or she didn't feel it for ME.
I asked her if she fell out of love with me. It was very hard for her to say out loud, but she said that she had. I'm not sure we ever had a chance in counseling without knowing that.
At any rate, we are going to divorce. We are supposed to play house until after Christmas for the kids. "One last Christmas together". It is going to be my hardest Christmas living in a house with someone that since last Sunday has gone from saying she loves me to avoiding me. Goodbyes no longer followed by "I Love You". No kiss hello or goodbye. Those small things I guess were affection after all, but it wasn't enough. I've been having a very hard time breathing. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I find myself walking the hall at work feeling like I'm going to vomit.
After reading many of your stories, I realize that we are separating together...meaning she didn't just up and leave me. It still is making me crazy though. I'm so tired. I come home from work, cook dinner, and then crash for the night.
Twenty years. Two kids, one in college and one a sophomore. The entire time we were in counseling I felt like we were working together because we deep down really loved each other. But until last Sunday, I don't think my wife ever got to what was really the problem. She fell out of love with me. However, because she is like me... loyal like a dog... she believed she SHOULD love me. Sunday came about because I had gone into our last session knowing she was back at the beginning... walking on eggshells. I had hope for the last two years. A friend of mine says he is happy because he has no hope. Hmmmm. Okay, but that isn't how I want to live MY life. I kept waiting for her affection to come my way. Not sex, just hugs and appreciation. But she had become distant and non-communicative like she was when we started counseling. I asked her what was wrong but she didn't know or didn't want to admit it to herself. The cycle we were in wasn't good. It could start either with her or me, but either way, I'm resentful because she doesn't seem to love or appreciate me....or at least that is the way it feels. When I get resentful she feels it and becomes distant....egg shells. She had also started up an online relationship with a young man from Australia. I was jealous because I felt she was having an affair of the heart. On Monday I said that I thought she was depressed. I've been dealing with depression for some time. I've done a lot of work. But it dawned on me that she was incapable of giving love either because she wasn't able to or she didn't feel it for ME.
I asked her if she fell out of love with me. It was very hard for her to say out loud, but she said that she had. I'm not sure we ever had a chance in counseling without knowing that.
At any rate, we are going to divorce. We are supposed to play house until after Christmas for the kids. "One last Christmas together". It is going to be my hardest Christmas living in a house with someone that since last Sunday has gone from saying she loves me to avoiding me. Goodbyes no longer followed by "I Love You". No kiss hello or goodbye. Those small things I guess were affection after all, but it wasn't enough. I've been having a very hard time breathing. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I find myself walking the hall at work feeling like I'm going to vomit.
After reading many of your stories, I realize that we are separating together...meaning she didn't just up and leave me. It still is making me crazy though. I'm so tired. I come home from work, cook dinner, and then crash for the night.
My advice is rough but the sooner you separate the better. After my ex laid that bombshell on me she wanted to stay in the house but after 3 weeks I told her to leave. It was extremely hard but not as tortuous as living together and watching her leave on Fridays and come home Sunday night happy as a clam like all was fine. It was fine in her world but mine was pure turmoil. It was only after she left I could wrap my head around my situation. Sorry you're on this journey, I've made strides but also back slides and grief. Not like in the beginning but still sad days. After such a long relationship my heart and head can't come to grips with another one. Not sure I'll ever want one again, I've done the kids and school and sports gig...after this betrayal i feel like another relationship isn't in the cards. I know how you're feeling and it does get better. At least we aren't at the having to deal with kid drop offs and all that crap. For that I'm grateful.
Wow, counseling for two years! That is a long time. And if there wasn't noticeable progress during that time then it probably is time to give up on it.
Emotional affairs are a serious thing. Saying "it's just an online thing" or "we've never had sex" or whatever - that doesn't really change the nature of the betrayal of trust. So your wife fell out of love with you. I suppose sometimes that happens "in a vacuum", meaning that she didn't fall IN love with someone else. But I think usually there are one or more affairs, emotional or otherwise, which precipitate the falling OUT of love. It just seems to me to be the pattern. Most people don't leave a spouse (in the absence of abuse) without having developed a connection with someone else.
It's incredibly hard to face and to deal with. In my better moments I feel optimistic, because I know what we had in the end was not good. Now there's a chance I will find something better, something that really makes me happy. Because she didn't really make me happy for at least the last 2-3 years, probably longer. Maybe your situation is similar. Maybe you can reason with yourself a bit, that things weren't right in the marriage, and that after a period of pain and healing you will have a new opportunity to find a connection with someone who makes you much happier. No guarantees in life, but many people do get divorced and then find greater happiness. My therapist has said that it is often the person who was left (rather than the person who did the leaving) who ends up happier in the long run. I'm not sure if there's any hard data on that, but it's an interesting thought.
You said you are separating together and she "didn't just up and leave you". I suppose that is true in the literal sense, but did she leave you when she began her "online relationship"? Emotionally, yes she did. It is good that she is at least showing responsibility and thought for the kids in trying to ease the transition.
Best wishes.
Your story parallels my own story. I was not in counseling for two years, but my wife and I had been working on our relationship on and off for some time. Walking on eggshells. We had both been there. I have kids, but they are still very young. Be thankful your kids are older. My wife also had an emotional affair online. Likewise, my wife declared one day that she just didn't love me anymore. Once they make that call, a women almost never changes her mind.
We are still amicable. There is no "I love you" but just cordial formalities you might have with any person. We are holding off on progressing on our divorce until after the holidays as well, for the kids.
I too had the elephants on the chest. The panic attacks come mostly at night, when your mind has nothing better to think about than your loss. I find myself trying to keep myself busy at night until I'm ready to pass out. I'll stay up till 2:00 am working, watching movies, or playing a video game just so I tire myself enough to just pass out.
I saw a counselor, and I am not a "I need counseling" kind of guy. The counselor gave me two pieces of paper and asked me to write down two pictures. One picture was images that represent my life as it is. The other picture was images showing my life the way I want it to be. We then discussed the two pictures.
I found this exercise very helpful. I was able to identify the things that I don't like about my current life and the goals I wanted to move toward. From there I sat down and built a list of tasks. Each day I look at those tasks and try to measure my progress toward them. They included things like "get out with buddies more", "setup better college saving plan for kids", "lost 15 lbs", "get back into SCUBA diving", "get back into cycling", "get back into motorcycling", "improve cooking skils", "learn to speak German"
It will give you purpose and have you move in a creative direction rather than a destructive direction of drugs or alcohol.
By the way, I pick up my Ducati next Saturday. Can't wait.
Guten Tag
I guess she did leave me "emotionally". I really think she left years ago. She had some good reasons i'm sure. I yelled when I was frustrated. She shut down. It was part of our cycle. I feel neglected and resentful, get mad, she shuts down. I'm to blame as well I know. I really wanted to fix it. Tonight I get an email from her saying that she really likes hanging out with me and has really come to depend on me. thinks maybe a Trial separation would give her some time. As someone said, it is probably unlikely she is coming back my way.
Calling it a trial separation doesn't change anything in my mind. How long do I wait on her? I think I need to try and get out of the house. The panic attacks are too much. I do a lot of deep breathing at that point and try and keep it together.
I love the idea of a list of things I want my life to be. I'm not very organized but I use a whiteboard for my list of things to remember. I look at it constantly and it keeps me on track. I will try that.
And considering....she is in a way in an online relationship...She really did leave me. Right in front of me.
Thank you all for your advice. I hope the best for all of you. I know people get into relationships later on, but I can't imagine how when the risk is feeling like someone died. You are all great!
In your mind, you have a vision of the woman you fell in love with. You want her back. But she's gone. Not physically, but the person that she was is gone. Even if you tried to reconcile, this experience will have changed you both permanently.
That person that you fell in love with is gone, and you should grieve for her passing.
I told my friend today that I have a better chance of getting a total stranger to marry me than to have my STBX wife stay married to me.
Sorry for what your going through.
I sense that you know this, but try not to inject hope into things. I know that's rough. But to hope to go back to the way things were is a roadblock to your own healing. She probably didn't "want" to fall out of love with you. But she has, and she did, and that's her reality. It's shitty, it breaks you, it probably took her a while to realize, it doesn't really make sense, but it's her reality.
My situation is different but the grief is still grief. I've also had days so miserable I could just puke. Where I want to close my eyes and not wake up. I am not looking forward to Christmas because it'll just remind me of how sad I am.
I agree with the advice others have posted. I also want to add something. I don't know if you are religious/ spiritual. But I believe that those who haven't found their "one" on earth will do so in the afterlife. If that gives you some comfort, then good. If not, it's just an idea. I totally understand if you just can't stomach the idea of someone else right now or for a long time. I know I can't.
Either way, I hope each day makes you a little stronger and I wish all the best to you.
Not religious. I'm not worried about finding "the one" right now. On Earth or elsewhere. However, growing old without someone to share life makes me sad. I think it is just human nature to want to be with someone. For now I'm going to avoid that. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to rediscover who i am and BE that. Not sure exactly what I'm hoping for here, but I think if I am comfortable in my own skin, someone who might be the one will see that person. The real me. Love me for who I am. NO MATTER WHAT
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
I know both of us want to get on with living separate lives. She is trying to get financing to buy the house. I'm doing the same for my own place. That takes time. In the meantime, it is obvious she has started dating. She hasn't come home on a few occasions. On one hand, it hurts that the affection I waited so long for, comes so easily for another. On the other hand..it really does help me to move on knowing I made the right choice.
I have a tattoo for my wedding band. I had my first laser treatment to remove it. It is going to take at least 6 treatments taking a year potentially. As my heart is healing, I get to watch her name fade from my finger.
Concerning my boys: 18 and 16. They seem okay. Their routine seems to be the same. They still seem to have their sense of humor. i'm hoping i'm not missing anything. Their mom and I have been working very hard to keep things cordial. We've only had one spat since separating. Here in Massachusetts, it is mandatory during a divorce to go through a parenting class before going to court. I had my first class on Monday. They speak of how important it is to not trash the other parent in front of the kids. Not to use the child as a bargaining chip. Not to put the child in the middle of the arguments. We've been doing that all along
The parenting class is made up of people from all walks of life. It reminded me of jury duty. Everyone looked like they wanted a way out of it. I look at it as another step towards finalizing the divorce. I can't wait.
the pain is still their but the pangs aren't as frequent. I find i'm more excited about my future too. Then I think that the excitement i'm looking forward to comes at the expense of the past. it makes me sad. bittersweet I guess.
I agree with so much of the advice you've received too.. I recently hit my 1 year divorced mark, and even a year later - the memories are still very strong.. but I'm so grateful they are memories now.. and they will be for you too
the 'list' is a fabulous idea, and one I've heard from others, and I've been slowly marking items off my own list.. its really an amazing thing to discover who YOU are again.. those initial hits of saying "I" instead of "WE" are tough to get over.. but learning how to self care, and put yourself first for a change.. especially after putting SO much effort into trying to save your marriage - its almost like being released from prison in some aspects, its a great sense of freedom, no more compromising - no more checking in - your life is quite literally YOURS again..
Like yourself, it wasn't a choice I wanted, my exh chose the OW.. I had no choice, my choices were taken from me - but that doesn't mean my life was taken! if anything to be honest at this point in my recovery I'm so very grateful! I no longer live with the bastard.. and my life choices are no longer his concern. and vise versa!
anyway, I'm getting of track - but its nice to hear the positive tone in your post.. I hope things get finalized soon, and you're truly able to get your new start in life up and running - I absolutely love Stepping's therapists take "its often the person who was left (rather than the person who did the leaving) who ends up happier in the long run."
in my situation, my exh left and immediately moved in OW.. he went from one 14 year marriage into another live-in relationship quite literally before any dust had settled.. I can't even IMAGE that.. I'm grateful for this time to find myself again, and to do some much overdue selfcare..
thanks for the update :)