Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Been married 11 yrs, with 2 wonderful kids 10 and 7. Early November my wife left her credit card statement laying around, with a charge to a family lawyer. I confronted her, she played dumb. We barely got through Christmas, she really had barely spoke to me much in months. Then on New Year's Eve, while at the office, I get the email from her lawyer that she had filed for divorce. Every day is just so hard. The first week was unbearable, I was crying or sick to my stomach all day. Some of that has passed now, but I still have so much anxiety, especially in the mornings for some reason. I will survive financially, if not as comfortably. I don't need much $ to find peace and happiness. But I am so heartbroken for my kids. They know we have been fighting for a year or two, but we simply cannot tell them about the divorce yet. There are just too many questions we can't answer yet - who will stay in the house, what will the custody split be like, when does this all start? In some ways I want the process to just be over so I can accept and deal with whatever the reality turns out to be. Or do I want to cherish this last month or two of seeing them every day, and at least staying in the house I have put so much care and work into all these years?
It's sad that I am not even that heartbroken over losing her, per se. I mean, if I recall the old times and how good we were I become very sad. But that was so long ago. She has become so cold and heartless the past 2-3 years. I have not been perfect, but she has become a monster. We tried two different counselors over the past year and a half. One of them was going fine as long as we were talking about my faults for the first few sessions. Once the focus turned to her she stormed out never to return. The second counselor was just starting up, but after 2 hours into what she knew would be a half day "power session", she had to leave - for her massage appointment of all things. I'm just so sad and am trying to deal with this anxiety. I think about the usual family vacations we have gotten used to taking, how will my kids process that the four of us will never do that again? Will this break them? I am trying to focus on the small ways my life could get better without her, then I feel guilty for even thinking of those things.
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I so exhausted from pain in my back that started Sunday but was mild and almost gone till I took bath that night and think I twisted or did something to take it to excruciating...I am away for work in a different state so traveled Monday and worked today then called my boss to fyi her about fact I am falling apart and walking like elderly person! I did telemed and they called in prednisone and...
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Can't wait to burn my pumpkin spice candle! National Coffee Day is coming up on the 29th so I hope to score up on a free coffee.
As for the children, as long as you love them, and show them a good path - they will be fine. Don't bad mouth your ex in front of them. Be happy when she does stuff for them (It's hard).
I split from my daughter's mom 18 years ago. My daughter and I are very close. I know someone who went though a horrible divorce. She had to co-parent with a liar and control freak. They had to co-parent so that they each had them even days of a month etc. It wasn't easy especially when they were young. She just was herself, and the kids saw that and cherished it. The children also saw who their father was over time. I can't say they don't have some issues, but who doesn't, but the children turned out well.
You'll get though this and so will they. Just don't bad mouth the ex in front of them because children can take that personally. Just show them a good path.
New Year's Eve - email from her lawyer that she has filed for divorce (no heads up from her)
Late Feb - after initially assuming they were dealing with two reasonable people that could work things out in an "informal settlement conference", the lawyers finally realize we need a formal mediation, and can't get it on the books until Apr 16. I am devastated, how will I stay in the house with her that long?
Apr 14 - after counting down the days for so long, my lawyer confirms that my soon to be ex is flat out refusing mediation for ridiculous reasons, so now we have to file a Motion to Compel mediation. I hope to hear out new mediation date very soon, but fear it will be another month or two out :-(
So my legal process has been horrible, even her own lawyer has about had it with her stubbornness.
There are positives though - I have had some emotional support from some unexpected places. I have reconnected with old friends, and made a new one who have been helping me through this time. It is interesting to see which friends really step up, it is not always the ones you expected. I have found two great books that are helping a lot in my recovery - "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher, and "Psychopath Free" - the title sounds harsh but turns out to fit my situation pretty well. I continue to see more clearly what a lousy partner she has been for many years now.
I was so worried how my kids (7 and 10) would handle things, They are handling it better than I could have imagined. They are only thinking about the silver linings, like picking out a new bedroom set, and getting two birthday parties. And I am seeing a vivid picture of a wonderful life for me once this is all said and done. I will be happier in so many ways. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, the traffic in the tunnel is just horrendous.
I would not be this ok without some real support of good friends, and like I said they sometimes aren't the people you expect. I hope to pay forward and help others. Let me know any way I can help, ElizaSc.
Jay