Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So i recently posted my situation of a 9 year relationship ending...and while living together for 3...my (ex) fiance had suddently said her feelings had changed and said she was breaking up. it was a shock and very traumatic expereince. to this day i have been strugglin with it. raising our children together and growing as a family. However she did not see it that way and said she was unhappy and moved out.
LAst night i had discovered she now has a new man. we have only been apart for 1 month. I guess what all my friends had suspected could possibly have been true. that she was talking or more to someone while we were together...and was just looking for the right time to end the relationship with me. as i stated in my other post. so many emotions are being driven into my heart and head. Am i not good enough...did i not do enough...did I do something wrong?? but now with the confirmation of her having a new man...thoughts are what doe HE have that I dont? was I not a good enough partner?lover?fiance? i helped raise her daughter and was living a life to secure forever but I guess taht was not in the cards for her. I know people tell me people change all the time and it was HER choice to not tell me if she was unhappy or that people just fall out of love .... however I dont feel that way i gue because even through the fights and arguments, there was NEVR a time taht i did not want to spend the rest of my life with her.
now that we shared the better part of the decade together and I am old (43) to be exact...i just feel like my life to find someone to share forever with is gone. i guess this expereince has really killed my self esteem . I have friends that tell me that there will be someone ebtter and that this moment is only preparing me for THE REAL ONE...but its so hard to beleive...someone in my stage in life...having to go through this. Its like a bad dream. I thought i was doing everything right but come to find out it wasnt enough anyway. She is 41 and is still beautiful in my eyes which is why its no surprisue she has someone already....and while she is happy and in bliss from the pictures i saw....im still dwelling on the memories of what we USED to have. I want to let go but for me, its hard to imagine a life without her....
i know i need to let go...i need to find peace...but the healing just wont seem to start. how could I have been so blind.
i just did not seeit coming.
I know how the crushed self esteem feels. It'll take time, but it will come back. Getting out and doing things, as much as you can, with other people, will help a lot.
It's important to realize that this did not happen because you "screwed up" or there's something wrong with you. She just decided to pursue someone else in dishonesty. People do it all the time. It sucks, but it's reality. In a sick way, your being such a devoted family guy may have even turned her off. I was that way too. A dependable, honest guy who cares about his spouse and kids, possibly to the point of getting a bit worn out or into a rut with the routine - this is not as exciting and attractive as the forbidden affair, or the bad boy. Sad but true. She went looking for excitement. She may find, somewhere down the line, that she really screwed up. Or not. As I tell myself, it just doesn't matter. It's over.
Hang in there!
thanks for your thoughts
I felt the same way about my ex - why didn't you just talk to me if you were that unhappy? But my ex is very emotionally stunted - unable to communicate about these things. Or else she just doesn't care. She's selfish too, which I think most cheaters are. They don't think too much about the consequences of their actions; they think about ME, ME!
Maybe she was bored of you. Maybe you'll realize that in some ways you were bored of her too! Maybe it wasn't a great match after all. Give it time. I'm finding positives in this. My girlfriend now is better in several ways. I'm enjoying life, and her, and we'll see where it goes. Maybe it will fizzle out. If so, I'll keep looking. With confidence coming back also comes some sense of independence and not feeling like you NEED that confirmation from someone else. I know who and what I am. I have things I'd like to work on, but overall I'm ok.
And there is what prompted me to make this response. The idea of "nice guys finish last" again. Perhaps you were sold a false tale, growing up. The chivalrous guy who treats his woman like a princess. She's supposed to love you ever after. So many movies, books, etc. I bought into it. But it doesn't really work that way most of the time. There is a power dynamic in relationships. and if you are always the giver, you eventually lose respect. It's twisted, in a way. But, on the flip side: if you tried to do what you think is right, you tried to respect her, help with kids, be a good partner, etc. Then at least in your pain you can stand up and look yourself in the mirror and be proud of your attempts, even if they were flawed. From her perspective the reflection is darker. If you are a "nice guy", be proud of it.