Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I will do my best to make this as short as I can and include a brief overview.
Around the time I graduated college 2 horrible things happened. The first being that my fianc called off our wedding because he fell "in love" with someone else. We had a wedding date decided, place booked, invitations sent and he participated in all of this while still seeing someone else. He told me marrying me was the safe option and being with her was such an unknown he didn't want to call off the wedding until he was "sure" he wanted to be with her. He said he wasn't looking for anyone but he just happened to fall in love. I wont get into how many ways this destroyed me because anyone reading can just imagine .
The second thing that occurred is really why I am writing this message. I was ready to forget the past and start a new chapter in life. I graduated college and was looking forward to my new career even if it meant being without him. Sadly around this time I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I was 24 years old and scared beyond belief. The only good thing that happened was that my cancer was at stage 1 and removing the thyroid alone would be enough. No chemo or radiation was needed. I was told that thyroid cancer is one of the few cancers that can actually be "curable" since there was no spreading and the thyroid was removed the chances of reoccurrence was virtually zero. I had 3 separate doctors I saw and all told me I was more then healthy. I would be able to have children, do all the things any normal person would be able to. The chances of me ever having cancer again would be no different to anyone else.
I am not sure why I choose to keep this to myself. Outside of my family and my best friend i decided not to tell anyone. I did my best to move on from this but I was so afraid to let anyone in after my ex fianc did what he did. I didn't want to ever open up to anyone in such a way again . I somehow managed to meet someone new after all of this. I never thought my heart could fall in love again, but it did. He constantly told me he was nothing like my ex and i need to let my guard down more. He told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. At a certain point i decided to share my cancer past with him. I told him the hurt and pain i went through and i shared all the details of everything. I poured my heart and soul out and it felt really good. It felt nice being able to be open with someone finally. I guess maybe this was a mistake.
Our relationship changed totally once i told him. He was always busy or suddenly didn't have time. When we saw each other he wasn't the same way anymore. Something in him around this time totally changed. We continued to see each other for a while but mostly because I refused to give up. I no longer recognized this person and he just became so cold. Eventually he broke up with me but he wouldn't tell me why. He said he didn't think marriage was going to be where we would end up so it was better to break it off. I don't want to force someone to be with me. I would rather know this all before we got married BUT i still felt i deserved some sort of explanation. He wouldn't give me one. I never got emotional with him, i never cried or wanted to let him see how much hurt I was in. I told myself I didn't need an answer and that I would just forget him but that didn't go so well.
I didn't ask to have cancer at 24 years old. I didn't pick this to occur to me. I dealt with all the pain associated with it an tried to become a better person for it. I tried to live life with more meaning and be stronger. I felt like sharing something so deep would bring us closer together. I didn't know he would use this as a reason to not want to spend his life with me. I don't have cancer I HAD cancer. i am so much more then this one event in my life. I feel so heartbroken that this may what caused him to walk away. I keep praying that i am wrong and it was something else but deep down i just feel this was it. I guess if this is truly the reason maybe i am lucky i found out when i did, but the not knowing is really preventing me from healing. I never got a chance to tell him everything he has made me feel and what he has done to me. Even if he wont admit to why he broke up with me i wanted to ask if my cancer was the reason. Maybe he wont admit it but i wanted him to know I am not stupid that I can put things together and see how everything changed. I don't want him back but I feel so much pain still. I feel i have all these unresolved emotions and I don't know how to approach this. I want to see him and be able to say so much that i have kept in but sometimes i wonder if it is worth it. I am stuck right now in the healing process and i am unable to make any more progress.
I know this situation is unique but I just really need some advice on how i can move along in my healing process. I feel so afraid to let anyone in again. Will i always be judged for the things that have happened to me? The next time i fall in love will he react the same way? I guess i am loosing faith in love as well. I am in a place where i still try to smile each day and do my very best but right now it isn't enough
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I truly am so thankful to have found this site
Around the time I graduated college 2 horrible things happened. The first being that my fianc called off our wedding because he fell "in love" with someone else. We had a wedding date decided, place booked, invitations sent and he participated in all of this while still seeing someone else. He told me marrying me was the safe option and being with her was such an unknown he didn't want to call off the wedding until he was "sure" he wanted to be with her. He said he wasn't looking for anyone but he just happened to fall in love. I wont get into how many ways this destroyed me because anyone reading can just imagine .
The second thing that occurred is really why I am writing this message. I was ready to forget the past and start a new chapter in life. I graduated college and was looking forward to my new career even if it meant being without him. Sadly around this time I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I was 24 years old and scared beyond belief. The only good thing that happened was that my cancer was at stage 1 and removing the thyroid alone would be enough. No chemo or radiation was needed. I was told that thyroid cancer is one of the few cancers that can actually be "curable" since there was no spreading and the thyroid was removed the chances of reoccurrence was virtually zero. I had 3 separate doctors I saw and all told me I was more then healthy. I would be able to have children, do all the things any normal person would be able to. The chances of me ever having cancer again would be no different to anyone else.
I am not sure why I choose to keep this to myself. Outside of my family and my best friend i decided not to tell anyone. I did my best to move on from this but I was so afraid to let anyone in after my ex fianc did what he did. I didn't want to ever open up to anyone in such a way again . I somehow managed to meet someone new after all of this. I never thought my heart could fall in love again, but it did. He constantly told me he was nothing like my ex and i need to let my guard down more. He told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. At a certain point i decided to share my cancer past with him. I told him the hurt and pain i went through and i shared all the details of everything. I poured my heart and soul out and it felt really good. It felt nice being able to be open with someone finally. I guess maybe this was a mistake.
Our relationship changed totally once i told him. He was always busy or suddenly didn't have time. When we saw each other he wasn't the same way anymore. Something in him around this time totally changed. We continued to see each other for a while but mostly because I refused to give up. I no longer recognized this person and he just became so cold. Eventually he broke up with me but he wouldn't tell me why. He said he didn't think marriage was going to be where we would end up so it was better to break it off. I don't want to force someone to be with me. I would rather know this all before we got married BUT i still felt i deserved some sort of explanation. He wouldn't give me one. I never got emotional with him, i never cried or wanted to let him see how much hurt I was in. I told myself I didn't need an answer and that I would just forget him but that didn't go so well.
I didn't ask to have cancer at 24 years old. I didn't pick this to occur to me. I dealt with all the pain associated with it an tried to become a better person for it. I tried to live life with more meaning and be stronger. I felt like sharing something so deep would bring us closer together. I didn't know he would use this as a reason to not want to spend his life with me. I don't have cancer I HAD cancer. i am so much more then this one event in my life. I feel so heartbroken that this may what caused him to walk away. I keep praying that i am wrong and it was something else but deep down i just feel this was it. I guess if this is truly the reason maybe i am lucky i found out when i did, but the not knowing is really preventing me from healing. I never got a chance to tell him everything he has made me feel and what he has done to me. Even if he wont admit to why he broke up with me i wanted to ask if my cancer was the reason. Maybe he wont admit it but i wanted him to know I am not stupid that I can put things together and see how everything changed. I don't want him back but I feel so much pain still. I feel i have all these unresolved emotions and I don't know how to approach this. I want to see him and be able to say so much that i have kept in but sometimes i wonder if it is worth it. I am stuck right now in the healing process and i am unable to make any more progress.
I know this situation is unique but I just really need some advice on how i can move along in my healing process. I feel so afraid to let anyone in again. Will i always be judged for the things that have happened to me? The next time i fall in love will he react the same way? I guess i am loosing faith in love as well. I am in a place where i still try to smile each day and do my very best but right now it isn't enough
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I truly am so thankful to have found this site
so I guess that comment along with his strange random behavior right after we got back from that vacation where I told him just was how I added it up in my head.
Again I will probably never know and maybe the reason doesn't really matter. I think the bigger problem for me is realizing that in the future if I fall in love it MAY end in heartbreak but that is going to be a risk I must take if I ever want actual happiness again. Today that feels really scary. I guess it will be a goal I must work towards. To accept that when it comes to love we cant ever predict the outcome and we still have to take that chance.
I'm not going to make excuses for his behavior. He treated you wrong, for sure. But maybe we can look at it not as a "how could he have done something so horrible to you" but more of "what would have caused him to react that way?" I mean who knows - maybe he saw a relative die from cancer at a young age and was seriously traumatized by it. Maybe deep down he has kooky (wrong) beliefs about cancer being contagious or a punishment for evil or something superstitious like that. Maybe he had his own heartbreak when someone left him, and he when he hears CANCER it made him think he could lose you, too, and he couldn't handle that. I mean everyone's got a past and who knows.
I'm not saying he is excused for acting like a jerk. He behaved very badly and even if he had a legitimate reason for freaking out, he handled it very poorly. So you've got every right to be angry at him! What I am saying is that in all likelihood, his reaction is not about you. It's just his own issues.
If you can look at it that way, it might free you up to accept that he was another hurting human being, and you two weren't right for each other, but that's not a reflection on your worth as a human being.
thank you for your insight I didn't think of it that way. I guess at the end of the day the reason doesn't matter. If he didn't want to be with me I guess it doesn't matter if it was because I had cancer before or if it was some other reason. I think I have just always been the type of person who needs things to happen for a reason I need to make sense of everything. That is something I have to work on.
Maybe it is just hard for me to accept that people wont always treat you the same as you will treat them. That concept doesn't always sink in with me. I know that if I loved someone at one point but something changed for me, my instinct would be to let them know exactly how im feeling and help them understand why. I could never imagine leaving someone with so much unresolved pain if there was even a chance I could help that.
Maybe someday ill come across someone who will treat the person they love with the same respect that they also expect. I guess so far im 0 for 2 in that department maybe the 3rd times the charm? lets hope
that is his choice, he was / is not stout hearted,
better to know that know as life can knock us sideways at anytime and he will be a weak man in the storm
too bad for him, in that he can't see the strength in you