I am so frustrated and done with this wet blanket feeling. I have a ton going on in my life right now. I am a few weeks away from having my own living space for the first time in my life. I have four very busy, active and enjoyable kids. I work a lot, to make money for my upcoming expenses and to keep my mind occupied. So why is it all that I can think about is losing her? I took my two youngest kids out last night.  They had so much fun and I was glad to be with them but there was this cloud hanging over me.  Like someone I love had just died.  I felt like Eeyore. Up until a few days ago I didn't give a damn about losing her. Not my problem any more, whoever wants her can have her. Im free. I am so freaking far from that feeling  now its insane. Im out driving around for Uber. Meeting new people, having interesting conversations but somehow my mind always brings it back to her. Something in the convo will remind me of her then here comes the sadness again. I cant shake it. I know this is a process and there are good days and bad days. Man o man could I use a good day right now.  I have been through this before but the feelings are different. Early on it was a terrible pain, this is just an overwhelming sadness and sense of loss. Like how you feel when you think about a love one who recently passed away. Its like Ive lost her but I still have to see her all the time. Im guessing that I will have much better success getting over this when Im in my own place, but that seems so far away. Im so frustrated with myself for going soft again. Not that the anger felt great, its just a much more tolerable feeling. I hated her, I hated him. Well I still hate him. Which seems a little unfair because he not the one who directly hurt me but I'll work on that at another time. I just cant figure out why I have these feelings. I agree with her that we shouldn't be married. I agree that we are stronger people on our own.  I agree it will be better for the kids. If she came to me tonight and wanted to try again I think I would still say no. Maybe Im just fooling myself. Even with all shes put me through If she did that I would probably be thrilled beyond belief and melt. I don't know how I can possibly deal with this for weeks much less years. Even venting doesn't help this time.