Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

1 Online

Channie1126 09/16/2013

I am so confused. 2 weeks ago we agreed to start moving towards separating (we have a lease and legal matters we have to get through before we can officially separate). Though a painful decision, it seems right and the best thing for all of us.

This weekend was hard. All 7 of us stuck inside due to the weather. I got the holiday bug and started decorating with the kids, STBX made banana bread and zucchini bread. We all laughed and enjoyed each other. 11 years of inside jokes, traditions, and so much more wrapped up in a stormy Sunday. Moments like that give me pause and make me feel like I am making the wrong decision.

I caved into that feeling in May of 2012 and all it did was drag this pending separation out another year. I know if I said the word that separating would be taking off the table. While we both know our marriage is floundering, STBX wants to keep trying.

I have to remind myself over and over again not get caught up in the Magic. I have 11 years experience with exactly what trying means to STBX. It means a few weeks, or in some cases only a few days, of true desire and action to actually change. Once I get sucked back into the craziness of our life everything reverts back to the way it was and I am so underwater, so desperate for it to work that it takes me months if not years to gain the courage to call it out again.

I cant do that again.I cant let myself get sucked back in. I am devastated about all the things I will lose, I am terrified of being a part-time single mom to so many kids but I know in the end it will be for the better. It just hurts.

deleted_user 09/16/2013

Have you tried counseling? Have you tried therapy?? Try it ALL.... Trust me. Take it from a divorced man with only ONE daughter. Divorce is HELL.... There is no other way of saying it. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
Try it all. I'm sorry I know i should be there holding your hand and talking you through your decision but in this day and age where divorce is so easy for some I have to say it is not the right decision most of the time. It is worse for the kids. My daughter (bless her little heart) is still suffering from our divorce 3 years later. And we are both amazing parents. Please make sure you try it all before deciding.
I wish you all the best.
BIG HUG

deleted_user 09/16/2013

I agree with Animalito... I wish I had the chance to try.. try for a year with no one else in the picture.

Though it sounds like you have tried.. for a year and it just hasn't worked.. Marriage counceling might help or make the transition easier to leave.

Not sure everyone's story is a little different.

charliegirl29 09/16/2013

Yeah I'm trying to break that habit myself because I get sucked back i in and the same cycle starts. Its like someone telling you not to eat a piece of chocolate cake but they put it right in front of you. You know its not going to be good for you to eat it but you do it anyway because even if it is bittersweet afterward ....it was at least sweet at one point in time.

deleted_user 09/16/2013

I'm not sure I really belief the person leaving is the 'bad person', but I do wonder if you've both done some counseling? Without some counseling I'm not sure either of you really say....'we tried'. You mention you've been in this spot before where you both had decided a separation was in order and you gave it another year....but was that another year of same ol' same ol', or was some really in depth counseling involved?

It could make a huge difference.

Deb

Channie1126 09/17/2013

Thank you everyone for your thoughts!! We have been going to counseling since July of last year. Part of me doesn't want to separate cause I am fully aware of what I am losing but I can't imagine living my life the way it is now for the next 40 years. While we bicker mostly about the superficial the real issue is that we have become to very different people with different views/ideas on how we want to live our lives and I feel if we keep trying to put a square peg in a round hole we will end up resenting and hating each other.

deleted_user 09/17/2013

Honestly then....I think you've put in the time. It might be time to shut the door on your marriage, so another one can open for the both of you. You never know what might be on the other side!

It does sound as if much is missing for the both of you. I hope that the better is all you've both dreamt of:)

Deb

deleted_user 09/17/2013

That was my biggest fear in leaving, was that if I gave it yet another try, that I'd be sucked back in and never be able to get out. I think you know when your done. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, and if you've both put in the time and nothing changes for very long, then changes are really good that nothing will change down the road. I think it's admirable that you want to separate before you hate each other. That's so much better for the kids. If you know in your heart that you've done all you can, then I think you're making the right decision.

Join the Conversation