Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I contacted "him" last night after a moment of weakness and after almost 2 weeks! All what I said in the email was that I was really missing him for some reason, indicating that last night I missed him more than usual. I even said "no need to respond" because I didn't want to open that longing and craving for him if he said anything. Unlike a lot of people that are going through this agonizing experience, my ex (I hate to call him that) has been very responsive if I am having an "episode" (or tantrum as he calls it). He comes over and tries to be supportive. I think that's worse. I know the kind of person he is, all acts of kindness are meant to make himself feel better. So last night I did email him. And true to form, he responded that he was missing me too, but that I am making it harder for both of us to move on. Why respond? Because in saying that, he thinks he's making me feel better, but at the same time reiterating our need to move on. Self serving A-hole that's what I think is what he meant to be.
I am not even feeling that bad. Compared to the way I was a month ago, I am on top of the world! But still missing him and just fed up with myself at not getting over him already!! Mostly I am angry because he is still going through the divorce and they have a lot of money so it's not a simple divorce of you get the washing machine, and I get the lazyboy kind of divorce-and there's a kid. And he told me that it would be done by now, which is the reason I was patient being his clandestine girlfriend. This may take years!!
I digress. I remember a year and a half ago how destroyed this guy was. How sad he looked, how depressed and lonely he appeared, after seeing him for many years before that looking pretty handsome and full of life (we are neighbors). As codependent as I may be, I took it upon myself to reunite him with, not with his old self of 10 year ago, but with his new, better self (post divorce) of a couple of years from now. I started him back on each and everyone of the things he loved to do: going to museums, playing sports (racketball), foosball (yes, that's a thing), cooking and baking, the beach, hosting dinner parties, biking, healthier eating, grilling, etc., and sex -lots of it-. I basically, along with his own motivation, brought him out of that horrible funk he was in and conversely he brought me out of one too. Today, he's lost weight, looks great, he feels healthier, gave up alcohol for the most part 80%, and is more confident and calmer than before. I wanted him to be healthier for ME and now he is healthier and better looking for someone else. That makes me angry. ANGRY!!
Yes you are right, no contact is the better way to go and here is why: The more you know about your ex the more his world becomes part of yours. To be able to fully heal and gain selfesteem and self love which is KEY to becoming fully independent, strong and happy (which should be your main goal), you need to live your own life and have NOTHING to do with your old life and especially not someone else's most of all your ex.
You are entitled to have your down moments, your moments of weakness and even moments of sadness. But don't look outside of you for strength to get back up. It is all inside you. Use that anger as fuel to move you forward not as a stone to weigh you down where you are at this moment.
Good luck and I hope you find your peace soon.
I don't know about you but it is a pet hate of mine when people offer you "needed" advice without explaining how to. Like, I say, you "need" to love yourself, and you "need" to be happy within and, that's it, no explanation as to how to achieve, just that you "need" to.
Well here is how to achieve self-happiness and, self-loving. Stop being judgmental of self, in other words stop bad mouthing/putting yourself down and, never again negatively tag yourself and, you achieve this by always being CONSCIOUS of your thoughts, when you are conscious of your thoughts you live in the present, not in the past which is history and, nor in the future which is a mystery.
You don't have to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, just be "conscious" of negative thoughts creeping in as they habitually naturally do and, ignore them and, you will soon attain peace of mind and, how do I know this to be? I practice it daily, I practice what I preach.