Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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RogerS221 03/11/2017

Hey,

I just joined today so I haven't read a lot of the posts in here yet. The ones I have read look helpful.

I wanted to quickly share my story. I have been married for 20 plus yers. We have two teenage kids. Over the last 3 or 4 years I have fallen out of love with my wife. I think she's a good person and although I think we can't seem to connect like we used to there is nothing dramatically wrong going on. The only huge issue we have is my waffling on whether to stary or go from the relationship. I left last year for a couple of months as a trail separation and missed family life and the kids a lot. I think part of that was the apartment I was in wasn't that great and farther away from the family home than I liked. The pros and cons of leaving are constantly on my mind. I look at rentals all the time. And I keep my wife up to date on my feelings although it's such a painful topic we have to put it aside to work, co-parent and exist together. I know she hopes I will see the light and want to restore our marriage and when she really feels like I don't want that I can see the hurt and anger. It's not a fun place for me to be so I think part of my hesitation to leaving is to avoid that hurt. Also the lonliness and missing the kids.

This being on the fence between staying and going is destroying my life and friendships. I can't commit to doing family vacations or getting together with friends and family because I don't know if I am going to suddenly grow some balls and leave. Depending on the day I envision myself staying married and leaving the marriage. I am stuck in a horrible loop or uncertainty.

And yes I've been to therapy. Which has been good - but led me to no where.

Does anyone here relate or have advice for me?

Thanks.

shell123 03/12/2017

Everyone is on their journey. I would say that you need to go ahead and separate from your wife. It's not fair to her to be wishy washy. As hard as it is. I would rather someone leave me than be looking around for my replacement. I think your going to find out that it's not all it appears our there. I see people married 30 years and I actually wish I had that Blended families are not easy. Grass is not always greener on other side

livewithintention 03/12/2017

I disagree. He would not be posting and asking for advice if he didn't care. People come here for advice and support.

Dandelion 03/12/2017

He cares.

About himself.

My advice- stop using your family and either recommit or grow up and leave

RogerS221 03/12/2017

Just catching up with the responses. Thanks again everyone. I appreciate the time you've taken to share your thoughts and advice. Given the limited information I provided it's interesting to read how people interpret who I am and what my motivations are. It's all useful! Reading these responses and others from this site I have read many that have some variation of "my husband didn't love me anymore". It would be useful to get the husband's story but perhaps they typically don't go on sites like this.

heretoheal 03/12/2017

Suggestions: Melodie Beattie's book "Choices," and "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. You seem self aware and articulate about the collateral damage your indecision is having on your marriage, on your wife, on your children, on your relationships with others, and your own mental health. I can relate to your predicament and based on my own experience all I can offer is: Your current self-absorption will eventually make the choice for you, or others will make choices for themselves. Either way, you'll lose - in this marriage or any subsequent relationships if you decide to leave - until YOU deal with YOU instead of making everyone around you deal with you.

FamilyGuy 03/13/2017

As a victim of infidelity and having his family destroyed. Dont be that guy. Love is an emotion that can be turned on and off. If your relationship hit a doldrum donsomethibg about it. Make time forbeach other. Get creative in the sack. Take dance lessons, have date nights. Relationships are work. They dont just happen. If your therapist sucked and many of them do find another one. If neither of you are screwing around theres no reason to leave out of boredom. Don't mess the kids ideas of what normal is up. The grass is always greener on the other side, except it isn't. Married and bored or single and lonely. The best relationships are boring ones. Consistency doesn't lead to excitement so its up to you to make it exciting again. You've shared a life together, don't mess that up. Get a new car, go hiking on the weekends together.. There's so many options that don't involve sinking the ship. The single life is bullshit. Finding someone to share your life with is the whole point of dating anyway and you already have that. Work on it. Feelings come and go which means they can return. What attracted you to begin with? Find the spark gain, make time for each other, get her some fantasy lingerie. Make passionate love or just bang the crap out of her, whatever you need you can find and it doesn't even involve leaving the house.

Loyal_100 03/13/2017

Yeah I absolutely agree with what was said by everyone else... Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman and if you don't want to honor and love her then get your selfish butt up outta there! The marriage isn't for the kids its for the husband and wife! Its the commitment to the other person! And Im sure you're not a bouquet of roses yet she is still there committed and loving you! You know you want to go so get out of her hair and let her start to heal because I know you're gonna leave her really broken... I have no empathy for you at all but I hope she finds this cite because I have a lot for her...

kayak4511 03/13/2017

I can totally relate to what you are going through.
I'm in a bit different situation. My wife and I didn't really talk for many years...I thought I could survive when I came out the other end. However I have realized that I haven't.
I agree with the others,
We are trying to have our cake and eat it as well..
Just doesn't work..you are harming yourself and your future ex-wife.
It's best to move on while you both have your wits and can civilly separate. Get involved in meetus and stuff like that to meet like minded people.
Oh how I so wish I could follow my own advice...

Danceintherain 03/13/2017

I am in the same situation. My husband of 20 plus years came home one day and said I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore. Ends up he was having an affair with one of my closest "friends". Are you sure that you aren't interested in someone else and not being honest about it? Have you actually spent time asking yourself what you did to create a loving, honest relationship with your wife? What did you do to make her feel special, wanted, needed? Do you harbor resentments towards her that you never expressed and let build up until it damaged your relationship? Are you emotionally detached? Were you ever all in or did you hold some of yourself back for fear of being hurt? You should really look at yourself and what you've done to build up or destroy your relationship/marriage. Journal, read relationship books, get counseling (together and apart) and try your hardest if you really want to save your marriage. The seesaw of one day in and another out is a horrible emotional roller coaster for your wife. Good luck. I hope it works out for you two.

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