Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hey,
I just joined today so I haven't read a lot of the posts in here yet. The ones I have read look helpful.
I wanted to quickly share my story. I have been married for 20 plus yers. We have two teenage kids. Over the last 3 or 4 years I have fallen out of love with my wife. I think she's a good person and although I think we can't seem to connect like we used to there is nothing dramatically wrong going on. The only huge issue we have is my waffling on whether to stary or go from the relationship. I left last year for a couple of months as a trail separation and missed family life and the kids a lot. I think part of that was the apartment I was in wasn't that great and farther away from the family home than I liked. The pros and cons of leaving are constantly on my mind. I look at rentals all the time. And I keep my wife up to date on my feelings although it's such a painful topic we have to put it aside to work, co-parent and exist together. I know she hopes I will see the light and want to restore our marriage and when she really feels like I don't want that I can see the hurt and anger. It's not a fun place for me to be so I think part of my hesitation to leaving is to avoid that hurt. Also the lonliness and missing the kids.
This being on the fence between staying and going is destroying my life and friendships. I can't commit to doing family vacations or getting together with friends and family because I don't know if I am going to suddenly grow some balls and leave. Depending on the day I envision myself staying married and leaving the marriage. I am stuck in a horrible loop or uncertainty.
And yes I've been to therapy. Which has been good - but led me to no where.
Does anyone here relate or have advice for me?
Thanks.
What I will say is that if I was your wife, you wouldn't be coming and going - you'd be history.
You miss family life so you go back but leave because"you fell out of love with her'?
Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.
Sounds like you are going through a "mid-life crisis" which basically means you want to chuck all your adult responsibilities and be a teenager again.
You say your wife is a good person, and there is nothing dramatically wrong going on, you just don't connect like you used to.
I think it's time for you to man up. What is hurtful to your wife (and kids) is the maybe I do, maybe I don't bullshit. Maybe instead of spending your time waffling about your feelings, you should use that time to recreate the connection with your wife. Either commit to marriage and family by working toward that end or get used to being a divorced dad with kids on the weekend. You can't have it both ways.
To stay together of split up.
Marriages will always have ups and downs thats life.
i always had my Ex's back he had mine for years too
then he checked out emotionally, mentally and Eventually
morally that lead to so much more pain and hurt for me.
I would stay in therapy and keep talking things out, They
also have discernment marriage counseling to end things.
It sounds like you have made your decision already And
aren't ready to go because you will be alone. My ex made
sure he had a GF all lined up and ready, he would never
left to go it alone, HUGS
You're keeping your wife in limbo because you don't have a "replacement" yet.
In fairness, she's allowing this to continue, but this whole thing is leaving a bad taste in my mouth so I'm bowing out of this post.
Best wishes
Cora - "You can't have it both ways." - exactly the issue.
I suppose there is a bit of not knowing what's behind the curtain if I leave that keeps me where I am. People don't like change. That's one thing I've picked up from reading posts in here.
You need a new therapist.
So you've got this woman dangling on a string for decades. I think you need to either get in, or get out. I don't think you have any right to keep her on appro; she's obviously not the woman you want. She's clearly a bit of a thing to you and not much of a person. It's clearly going to inconvenience you whichever way you go, and clearly being inconvenienced is high on your list of concerns, but I think if you have any honour left at all you'll go.
I think if she understood what an object or thing she is in your eyes, she'd kick you out. She's clearly got a lot to learn and getting rid of you is going to be one of those lessons.
You also say, "This being on the fence between staying and going is destroying my life and friendships. I can't commit to doing family vacations or getting together with friends and family because I don't know if I am going to suddenly grow some balls and leave. Depending on the day I envision myself staying married and leaving the marriage. I am stuck in a horrible loop or uncertainty." Boo hoo!! First off, it takes more balls to stay and work on the marriage than it does to check out. And again, it's about how this is affecting you. This is destroying your life and your friend's lives??? What about your wife??? She is the one in the "horrible loop or uncertainty." Geesh, you are no catch. If she willing to keep you, you should probably really consider staying.
Well add a good grief and a wtf to that geesh.
Livewithintention, the op doesn't give a fig about his children, upsetting their lives or anything else other than what's best for HIM at the present time.
Which is fine. We're all responsible for our own happiness.
But let's just call this what it is- a dissatisfied middle aged man who's presently basically using his existing "family" until he has a better, safer, more convenient opportunity, at which point they become past tense and can fend for themselves.
Seriously? I'm really interested in someone that plays games like this?
Sorry if I sound harsh, but some of these guys need a reality check.