Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am currently going through a divorce, my STBX wife and I have two children, a daughter that is 7 and a son that is 5. My wife is an addict, and currently I have custody of the children. She was supposed to pick them up from school the other day for her visitation but she never showed so I picked them up when the school called me. She had passed out at her mothers house from taking pills, she admitted this to me on the phone later that evening. The next day she went to eat lunch with my daughter at her school and told her that she was "sick" and tried to make it to pick her up but couldn't.
Should I set the story straight to my daughter, and let her know the facts of her mothers addiciton at her age? Or let her mother lie to her until she is older and can rationalize it better? It is a tough thing to me, I don't want the children to think badly of their mother, but at the same time I also want my daughter to be able to see signs of impairement in her mother in case she needs to call me if she needs help. Any advice would be appreciated.
Posted on 08/31/11, 10:14 am
Should I set the story straight to my daughter, and let her know the facts of her mothers addiciton at her age? Or let her mother lie to her until she is older and can rationalize it better? It is a tough thing to me, I don't want the children to think badly of their mother, but at the same time I also want my daughter to be able to see signs of impairement in her mother in case she needs to call me if she needs help. Any advice would be appreciated.
Posted on 08/31/11, 10:14 am
The problem with custody is you don't want to be accused of violating your Order by "disparaging" the mother to the children. Even if it is true.
The fact is, at seven she is too young to comprehend addiction and the damage it causes. The best you really can do is tell Mommy Dearest that she is not permitted to pick the chidlrne up from school since she has proven herself to be unreliable. Tell your daughter, if you feel the need to tell her anything, that mommy is very sick and needs to get help. Mommy's sick makes her very....... sleepy (passes out)... or grumpy (if she gets angry)... or angry (if she's violent). Tell her that it is okay to call you if mommy is too sick to take care of her and her brother and you will come get her, even if its bed time.
If the mother is this bad off, I would do what I had to to limit contact. The last thing you want is for this woman to be passed out when she has the kids and there be some emergency.
Does your court order allow her visitation? If it does, I would file a petition to amend to have it set to supervised visitation only and that she is not permitted to transport the children and requests court-ordered drug and alcohol eval and periodic drug testing where if she fails she desn't get the kids for 30 days where she submits to another test and can only get the kids if she tests clean.
She went to rehab earlier this year, we have had a temporary hearing in which custody and CS was set, her visitation includes 2 afternoons a week right now, a final hearing is pending at which time I will press to limit her contact unless she can prove otherwise.
Sadly she is taking drug tests in order to keep her RN license in the state after the rehab, but she knows how to work the system in order to be complient so far.
Contact your lawyer to see if the orders can be changed to supervised visits. This is a shame, but you can't change your stbx.
Until supervised visits are put in place, you will just have to call the school on days that your stbx is suppose to pick your daughter up and be on standby to pick your daughter up yourself....no explanation needed to your daughter right now. Kids are smart and when she is older, she will be able to understand what is happening. Until then, it is just better to tell your daughter that mommy is sick (which of course is the truth).
(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
I had to do essentially what greenbutterfly suggested.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ALLOWING HER TO DRIVE AND PICK UP YOUR KIDS !!!!!!!!!
My advice is very simple first thing you do is get a restraining order and do it fast. She deserves NO CONTACT with the kids until she can get clean! I agree with everyone elses comments and ONLY supervised visits!
She is very sick and needs help and trust me on this it will damage your kids more then you to allow them to see her this way. I would NEVER allow my EX (also drug abuser) to do anything that could put my kids at risk! If she is to out of it to pick them up then imagine what would happen is she actually did and was driving under influence!
I understand how you feel and trust me i have lived a life alike yours. I feel maybe you need a kick in the butt to get your mind streight as i did. Addiction is a terable thing and many parts of our lives fall to the wake. Dont let your children be one of them! YOU have the power to stop this.
Best of Luck!
It's not unknown for kids as young as 5 to be taking lit cigarettes out of parent's passed out hands to keep the house from burning down. It's also very common for those same kids to be feeling responsible for keeping mommy/daddy safe.
You might want to contact Al-Anon, or an addiction center for advice on what you might do to help your kids with their mom's issues.
And I certainly hope you're keeping track of the days that she doesn't show up to get the kids, or shows up but has been drinking or appears impared. (I was told by my lawyer that I didn't have to ever let my ex take the kids if it appeared that he was drinking, and to call the police if he resisted. I never had to do it, but I knew it was an option. You might ask your lawyer about it for your state.)
Children are extremely bright. Regardless of their age, they feel the environment, they understand when something is not quite right, and they keep those scenes internally until they enter their teenage years and early adulthood. Now is the time to initiate a support group, get counseling for both children and you on how to handle the situation, get the children aware than they need to call for help if they see their mother in a state that is not acceptable. This is the only way you can protect your children and their future.
As sad as it seems to get them exposed in such early age, it is also important to know that you will be providing them with stronger basis to never do what their mother is doing because it can harm themselves.
Life is a school in every way.
5 and 7 is very young. SAFETY is number one for your children. Are you concerned about her drinking while in her care? i sure would be. My ex husband received his 4th DWI during our divorce proceedings. His alcoholism was the main reason for our divorce. I had seen much too much in my time with him...arrests, DWI's, the infidelity that comes along with addiction, suicide attempts, etc. My absolute fear in divorce was that he would do something stupid in the company of our child. I said this day one of proceedings and the attorneys looked at me like I was NUTS.
After receiving his 4th DWI I DEMANDED once again supervised visitation only. I had to fight for it, but I got it, along with SOLE custody. He is not even allowed to be the driver of the vehicle when transporting my son..THANK GOD!!
Fight for your children safety. Alcoholism is a FAMILY disease...t affects everyone. Even though your children are young, they have been affected, and will continue to be. Even if she dries up today...he thought process is still that on an addict.
the questions will come in time. i would probably answer them as come along rather than overwhelming them with information they may not be ready to comprehend.
In the meantime, have you tried Alanon? I would highly suggest that. My sponsor was really helpful when my son was beginning to ask questions. i was upfront and honest with him. While I was unsure I was doing the right thing by explaining the alcoholism, my sponsor assure me i did the right thing. Alanon and AA teach us that we are only as sick as our secrets.
Take it one day at a time. Dont make excuses for your ex, but also be honest with your children when THEY are ready to know and need answers. There is also an alateen program for children when they are ready to deal with this too. My son will be 10 next month and has asked me if he could join. He says that he feels the need to be with kids who feel his pain :( but Im thrilled that he is invested enough in himself to want to heal from his pain this has caused too.
Im wishing you and your children the best in this.
really great advice in this thread from everyone