Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
February 25th my wife told me whe wanted a divorce. March 10th she filed. If you ask her she will tell you all sorts of reasons why we are getting a divorce. What she won't talk about is the guy who has been nipping at my heels for 9 years, ever since my 2nd daughter was born. This guy from her past, from high school, has been trying to get my wife to leave me for 9 years. If you ask her this she will deny it and tell you one of 3 completely different stories. When my wife told me she wanted a divorce the first thing she did was take our 3 youngest and go visit her mother. What she really did was take them to go visit him. I have picures of their "special day". Of him meeting my children and my children being confused. She didn't come home with my kinds until around 10PM that night. She's never done this. She had also fed them junk food all day. Another thing she doesn't do.
Last weekend she said she wanted to get away from the house and visit friends. She said they were meeting up at a bar for St Patty's Day. She would leave the shildren with me. Would "he" be there? Yes, as they are all friends.
3:30AM I text her and kas if she found a place to stay that night so she wasn't driving home. She immediately gets defensive, asking if I want her to come home, her answers seeming more and more apologetic. What do you think happened? Well, I can tell you what happened. You see, she was using one of my old phones which had Android Device Manager on it which helps you find it in the event you lost your phone. She was at his apartment.
I've never wept so hard in my life. In fact, since this all started I've never cried so many times on so many days. I think it's more to do with us having several children and so much history. It also has to do with the fact that she doesn't look bothered by any of this at all. I cry in front of her. Sobbing, blubbering mess. She stands there and looks at me emotionless. 4 weeks earlier she would have been holding me, telling me it was ok, giving me a kiss. It was like, on that day I went to work and she was fine. Hugs, kisses, etc. I come home and someone had flipped a switch. My old wife was gone. Her personality wiped clean and a new one put in it's place. She hated me. She said she "loved me" because I'm the father of her children and that I gave her 3 wonderful kids.
She was at his home. Probably at that moment naked in bed. Her hands on him. Touching him like she used to touch me not even a month ago. Kissing him and making him feel important. Taking him into her mouth, giving everything to him that she used to give to me. This has been ripping through my heart for weeks now. I torture myself with the images. Saying "What did I do to deserve this?"
I shout out loud to no one "What's next?" "Just give me a heart attack so I don't feel anymore pain!" I'm on the edge of not wanting to feel anything anymore.
She told me she's going to stay with friends this entire weekend. I know where she's going to be. She denies it. How can she be so emotionless about it while I'm going through day after day of grief. I can barely look at my co-workers. I can barely breathe much less work. I'm a big mess and I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to feel this anymore. She's breaking me and I think she likes it.
I torture myself by listening to sad songs going to work and coming home. "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" is a popular one. Describes our relationship to a T. Apparently she hasn't loved me for years. She's an awfully good liar. Today "When I'm With You by Sheriff" came on my playlist and I started singing along. I couldn't get to the chorus because I was literally shaking with sadness, fear, anger.
Why does this hurt so much? This is my second marriage and second divorce. Why does this one hurt so badly? The first one, she just left. She abandoned my children and left us to live in another state. This one wants everything. She wants all of my stuff, all of my money, and all of my heart so she can stomp on it and rip it to shreds.
I can't do this weekend. I just can't do it.
How they act. They are disconnected from you
And the marriage.
Most often they have been Checked out for awhile
And they are long detached. From you. They had
already made their Decision to leave and are at peace
With it and were awaiting the right timing and the
right Person to come along then they are gone.
I am sorry for all your hurt and pain, therapy and
Divorce care at this time will really help. DC helps
with The grieving and divorce process. Keep reaching
Out for loving caring support, keep posting on here
As well.
Once my divorce was on the table i could not have
Lived with my ex. Some do i think it would be very
Difficult if they have an affair partner and you live
Together.
My ex had a GF all lined up and ready To roll as
soon as he left and moved in with his Mother
then with her eventually too.
What you are going thru in all area is nothing
Unusual. Our own grief, pain, hurt, rejection
And betrayal Are going to take awhile to move
thru. Its a normal Part of grieving, keep any thoughts
Of them together Out of your head its not healthy
for you or your own mental health, HUGS
No contact has helped me as well. Not seeing or hearing from her has become a good thing for me.
I too am about to go though a nasty divorce process. She is unreasonable. I'm divorcing a narcissist and she has treated me badly for years.
I have seen what you have seen, that emotionless face. I was pouring my heart out and I realize now she was checked out of the marriage for some time. She'd just look at me with a blank face, like looking through me, I remember her soulless eyes...she was gone.
I'm in a better place now and you will get there. Just keep putting in the hard work. The pain will lessen in time. Stay strong and positive. I wish you well.
Do not make it convenient for her to screw around.
Consult with a lawyer, split your finances, cancel anytging jointly held with her.
document her visits tsking kids to the jerk's house.
Do not reveal to her that you can see on the phone where she is.
About the only think I can say is that you need to realize that she has checked out. Try not to think about why, or what it means or how much it sucks. These things are irreverent. Right now, the fact is that she doesn't want to be married to you, and she is pursuing things in her life that reflect that. The harsh truth is this: no matter how much you love her or want her or miss her, you can't make her return the feeling. It sucks, but it is the truth. It's a hard truth. In my case, it took me 5 months to understand this.
So what to do: like what the others have said. Stop torturing yourself thinking about what she is doing. Nothing good will come of this and it only serves to make you miserable. period. Instead, focus on what you need to do next. If she has already filed, have you found yourself an attorney ? If not, go talk to some. Most will give you a 30 minute consult to hear what you need, make some suggestions and give you a cost estimate.
Your top priority now is to work out the best deal for you and your children that you can. To do this, you need to get your head in the game and not let all the emotional crap distract you. Getting angry and shouting/fighting with her will only make it worse. Trying to get even will only make it worse. Staying home and having a pity-party will only make it worse. Right now, you need to focus on the kids, and the finances, and get the divorce resolved as best as you can.
Anway, dude, you gotta get out of the house and away from her. SH39 is also right. Lawyer up man, do not make it easy for her.
Do not let your feelings for her get in the way. Giving in to her demands will not make her love you back.
Either get her to move out, or you move out. Do this now and DO NOT WAIT. It will be tough, but she is not going to change her mind. She's got NRE (new relationship energy). This is a chemical kick for her to bond to her new guy. Nothing you say or do can override that primal chemistry!
FIGHT, fight and fight some more for the things you need from the divorce. Do not give into her demands. She will use your feelings against you and walk all over you. She has already demonstrated a deep sense of self-entitlement. She sounds like a selfish person and she will walk all over you if you let her.
Stay strong brother! It gets better!
Firstly: if you're broken up, then who she shags is irrelevant. She'll shag whoever. People don't leave for love of the next guy: they use the next guy as the lever or crutch to prise themselves out of the last relationship. I just wouldn't waste my time getting worked up about her cheating on you, I know men do but I think it's a red herring. it's not the problem. It's a symptom of the problem.
Either she never really committed to you; or you broke that commitment in some way. So you have to review how you treated her over the years, as well as anything else. You can just call it 'she cheated on me'. That's the symptom, not the disease. If you two were tight, there wouldn't have been a chink for young lothario to squeeze in. The door would've been bolted.
As to this situation, it's wife no. 2. now . What's going on? Did you boomerang from wife 1 to wife 2? How slow and careful were you in the finding of wife 2?
Had you learned everything, assimilated everything, from marriage no. 1 before you fell into that relationship?
I seem cruel but I'm not. I've been where you are, devastated, broken, falling apart. it's hard to believe someone doesn't want you... that they can know you, have been with you.. have lived with you and now they've removed you like last year's fashion and are playing with the next season's gear. All i can say is that you made a huge error of judgement when you married her. And you have to figure out what that error was.
I didn't come to grips with any of my last relationship emotionally or logically for at least a year after the end of the relationship, and could still be brought to tears 4 years later just thinking about it. I have decided that this time I will not be engaging till I can think of old relationships without crying. That's going to be my litmus test.
Because I'm never going through this again, even if it means I live the rest of my life alone.