We've been married 10 years, together 16 years total. We've been together since we were 16 yrs old.

He told me about a month ago that he doesn't love me anymore. He says he's a different person than he was a year ago.

Ways he's changed:
- Started wearing bows in his hair (trust me, he pulls it off well!)
- Became a vegan (healthy change right?)
- Started refusing my sexual advances
- Asked for an open marriage
- Had an emotional affair via text messages with the co-worker

Summary of life 2+ years ago

Our sex life took a dive as I became more career driven after I graduated college. Got married, got my first big kid job, etc. Husband wasn't big on responsibility, so on top of work, I've planned the budget, paid the bills, grocery shopped, cleaned, etc. While my husband was content with minimum wage work this entire time, he would eventually mature to help out a lot more with the chores--but it definitely took awhile.

In the last 2-3 years, he's taken over the cooking, grocery shopping, and helps with the vacuuming and our pets' vet appointments. In about that same time, I started volunteering A LOT for a non-profit in my career field. He always encouraged me to keep it up. He seemed so proud of me. I guess he eventually stopped asking for sex and I didn't notice. I feel terrible about it. He would occasionally bring it up and we'd improve for a week and then it'd be back to the usual distractions. I wish he had held me more accountable for it. It's still my fault, it's just that there's always work to do and I would get distracted.

I'm still drawn to him and desire him, but if he's busy playing a video game or happily glued to Reddit then I'd leave him alone. I didn't even realize that I shouldn't wait for him to approach me because he wasn't going to because of his fear of rejection.

Started refusing my sexual advances

Last year, springtime, I joined him in the shower and came on to him because I felt like it. He turned away from me and asked me in a desperate plea to stop. Just said that he couldn't. He only just told me this month about how at that moment he felt like I was a stranger molesting him.

A few more attempts to woo him to bed over the next week-or-so flopped. When my birthday came, I asked for birthday sex. He wouldn't. I was afraid he stopped finding me attractive. He told me that couldn't be further from the truth. It just hurts him too much to hope things are improving only to be disappointed again.

Asked for an open marriage

It's still my birthday last year, I'm asking him how we can repair our sex life. He says there may be a way but I won't be comfortable with it. I asked what it was. He said he wanted our marriage to be more open. I bawled. I couldn't see how this was a solution. He wouldn't have sex with me, but having sex with someone else would help him to sexually open up to me again? That just sounded like a recipe for him replacing me. I said maybe if it's only with a stranger, but he said he thinks it should be a friend. I ask who. His coworker.

I couldn't accept that. The way he's always described this woman... she sounded just like me in personality and views. She was me except 10 years older, alone, no ambition, and with a 20+ yr old kid who hasn't moved out.

He said that he didn't want to suggest it because he was afraid of hurting me. I was very hurt. I mentioned marriage counseling but he said that wouldn't help.

From then on, I just didn't push it and continued to keep busy and eventually forgot it.

Had an emotional affair via text messages with the co-worker

One afternoon, my husband picked me up from my bus stop. Out of habit I traded phones with him and started looking through his text messages. This was something we've done forever. It wasn't about "keeping tabs" but it was just basically looking for something new to read. He's always been bad about telling me when his family is in town, so that's usually how I find out too. Moving on, I found a message from his coworker that seemed a little flirty. I showed it to him and asked about it. Told him I thought it was a bit much but he insisted that I was just being paranoid.

Not long after, our phone provider TMobile offered this web app called WebDigits where you can basically take calls and messages from your desktop. I signed us both up because I was interested. I even made sure to give him the same access as myself to that this would remain a 2-way street. He got an alert on his phone and called me to ask if I was spying on him. I guess I was but that wasn't really my intent and I explained that to him. I then asked him if there's something on his phone he doesn't want me to see and he said no. We left it at that.

I would see messages between him and her for awhile and when I'd see him I'd check his phone and the messages were gone. I eventually learned that WebDigits also doesn't keep any messages for more than a few days and if my husband deleted them fast enough they'd be gone too. It was weird and inconsistent. Like they only deleted the message if he deleted from his phone fast enough, otherwise the message would be there for a few days even after he deleted it. I eventually started taking screenshots and making a summary of the ones I couldn't screenshot fast enough and made sure to record the date, time, and phone numbers.

She even told him she wished she could erect his penis through me... I knew I wasn't paranoid anymore.

One evening while we were home together, she sent him a text, and I saw enough to know that was much chance to confront him. I hopped to his end of the couch and asked him what that message was. He said it was nothing. I told him I knew what it said and told him. He insisted it was just a joke and gave me the context. I said okay, that's fair but deleting it implies it's not. He said he was doing it because I seem so paranoid when it comes to her.

The next day I noticed they exchanged goodbye text messages, which he of course deleted. When I called him on it, he broke down. Told me he told her that I found her message and she said that everything happens for a reason and that they needed to stop because she was feeling lead on. She deleted his number and said she probably wasn't going to talk to him for a week or two. He said he felt terrible. He basically just reminded her that she's alone but he wants her to be happy. He finally admitted that those messages meant something.

Recovering from emotional affair

He, again, refused marriage counseling. He also wouldn't see my counselor, so I found a new one for him. He went 2x and said he didn't have to go back because he was the "easiest patient" they ever had. I was skeptical but I only said that I was worried he'd go back to that dark place. He promised me he would tell me before did again. I didn't push other than to ask what the counselor said about repairing our sex life and he said that he was to read "Sheet Music" (he didn't, but I did) and accept that even though I may not always be drooling over him that he should try to appreciate that I want to serve him.

From then on, every time he wanted sex, I made sure to deliver! I never turned him away. I loved it too. I loved being there for him. I didn't pursue him though. I just wasn't sure it was safe to. I thought never turning him down would be enough.

We also did monthly emotional check-ins when he'd drive me to my therapy and back. He eventually stopped approaching me with sexual advances. I asked him about it and he said he's been busy and tired. I believed him. He had started driving for Lyft and started a vegan-themed Twitch stream. I helped him set all that up.

He doesn't love me anymore

I got in a wreck in March and we were down to one car for one week. He carpooled with the coworker and said it'd be fine. I wanted to trust him and I did. End of that week, we're back to 2 cars but he starts treating me like a ghost in our home. Like he didn't care if he had my attention or not. I eventually started asking questions and he would put it off. He eventually said he'd talk to me after he went to the local medieval fair by himself. I was worried.

He comes back from the fair and I ask him again what's going on. He tells me that he doesn't love me anymore. That he's a different person than he was a year ago and he wants to reset his life and start over where no one knows him. He said he didn't want a relationship right now.

I'm sure I did everything wrong. I asked him if he even thinks of me as his best friend. He doesn't. I request marriage counseling. He says he can't be fixed, he's just a different person. I tell him it's not about fixing. He says it's still pointless. I tell him I'll see a sex therapist, he says he doesn't want me to change. I beg him to give me another chance. Nothing helped.

My fight

I eventually go to my parents and return with a list of marriage counselors the next day. I tell him that I understand that he doesn't want to see a marriage counselor, but that I feel that what he's asking for is final, and that he owes me this much. He reluctantly agrees. I told him that I'll go back to my parents for the rest of the week and return on Friday to discuss the marriage counselor list. Meanwhile, I'm reading The Love Dare, The Power of a Praying Wife, and For Women Only to try to prepare.

Friday comes, we make plans to discuss marriage counseling while we grocery shop. I thought that was a good sign, but he never brought it up and I didn't want to push. When he comes to bed that night, I ask him if he wants me to stay or go. He doesn't answer right away and I tell him he doesn't have to. I'll just contact him the next morning while he's at work. He accepts that.

Saturday morning, I message him to ask again if he wants me to stay or go. He calls me to tell me that he knows I wanted to talk last night but he needs more time. I ask how much longer, he says Wednesday. I leave for my parents'.

Monday, he called me out of habit when he got off work, and I offered to look up reviews on the marriage counselors in the list I left him if it would help. He says no and rushes off the phone. I later talked to my counselor about it and she advised me to deliver him a list of reasons why I love him that very night. Wanting to respect his space, I decide I'll just leave the list in his truck. I drive home and don't see his truck in the driveway. I assume he parked in the garage instead and check his Twitch stream to see if he's still online and he's not. I figured he was getting ready for bed. I couldn't get inside the garage and accepted the fact that I was going to have to face him, but I'd make it brief. I pull out my phone to call him to give him a heads up that I'm there, but he pulls into the driveway with his coworker in the cab with him.

He sees me and starts to leave but the coworker questions him and I guess he decided to face me. He said he invited her over for movies and a pajama party. I break down. He says he'll take her back home. I go inside but he follows me. The co-worker told him to talk to me instead. We fight. He tells me how he's been miserable for 2 years. How I said I was okay with having a dead bedroom (sex 10x a year) (I remember saying 12x a year is more than 10x a year so we must be fine... how insensitive of me!) and how that means I'm literally not sexually attracted to him and how he came home from work before me every day and just cried. He said he couldn't go hang out in the break room at work because he was a wreck. I apologized over and over again. Told him how ashamed I was. I even went in to hug him and he flipped. He said he doesn't blame me but he's done his grieving and he's finally over it and ready to start over.

When we wrapped up, he decided not to take the co-worker home and we fought some more. He insisted they weren't going to have sex but I kept saying that he can't hang out with her because of their history while we're working on this. He just wouldn't have it. He did end up taking her home and I called to make sure he was coming back and he did. We talked some more. I told him what just happened was not okay. I give him space and he has her over is highly inappropriate. He concurs. I acknowledge that I know he didn't want to talk about all of this until Wednesday, but having her over pretty much jinxed that. I do leave and say I'll be back Wednesday.

Wednesday came, the marriage counselor list is untouched from when I left on Saturday. He never brings it up. I talk to him Thursday about his need for space. He says he needs to find an apartment. I asked him if he even considered marriage counseling. He said no. He doesn't see the point. I insist on it, 12 sessions weekly, in order to cooperate with him. He says "if it'll help YOU." Later that same day, I would reflect on him wanting to save up for an apartment and approach him. I told him that his income is our income, same as his expenses, so if he wants to start saving up for an apartment then he should go crash with a friend then. He asks how soon I want him out. I told him I guess that day.

He left to run an errand and I caved and called him. Told him I'm not ready for him to move out and asked if open marriage is still on the table. He asked what I meant. I told him that if I knew then what I knew today, that I wouldn't have said no. He says he'll think about it but he still needs space. Communication seemed open between us again.

I remain home. Husband still hasn't picked a counselor. I work on spreadsheet to make it easier and give him even more options. He commented that my first list was short, so I did more digging. That weekend, I push a little on the counseling because I wanted to start making calls that following Monday. He said I'd just have to wait.

On that Monday I knew he had already made pending plans to crash at a friend's place and wasn't sure if he was moving out that day. Tuesday's Love Dare challenge was to surprise him with an intimate dinner. I decided to leave work early, get dolled up, set the table with candlelight and chipotle burritos. He calls when he gets off work and seems in a good mood. I don't say a word about already being home. It took him 90 minutes to get home and he works 10 minutes away.

I called 15 min after he first called me to ask if there was a package on the porch. He said he wasn't home yet but would be shortly. I waited another 15 min and panicked and got in my car. I drove to his coworker's house, she wasn't home either. They would conveniently get home within about 5 minutes of each other. In the meantime, I drove to places I know my husband frequents and never saw either of them. I eventually messaged a guy I know of who is awfully protective of this coworker, to tell him I think my husband is hanging out with this woman behind my back because neither are home and they were sneaking behind my back last week. He didn't respond until the next morning and of course this would come back to bite me. Husband calls me within 5 minutes of his coworker getting home to ask me where I am because he saw the dinner table. I told him that I was out looking for him and his coworker and apologized for my crazy episode and came straight home. He seemed understanding. He said he was out delivering left over goody bags from a fundraiser he volunteered at last weekend. There were no FB messages to confirm this and that's how he and the other volunteers communicate over everything.

When I'm home, I apologize again and then tell him that I set dinner with the intention of us sitting together but we don't have to. He opts to eat in front of the TV and I accept that. After his burrito coma, he started ghosting me again. I left him be.

The next morning, the guy I messaged yesterday (let's call him N), gets back to me. He claims to want no part of this and I apologize. He keeps talking to me tho. He says the woman coworker says I'm fine with her hanging out with my husband. I tell N that I'm not okay with that, especially after their text messages last year. N knows about the text messages. N asked if I knew about the medieval fair, apparently, they met up there too. I didn't. I lose it a vent to him pretty much everything I've said here. How that was the day my husband said he didn't love me, how things seemed fine until he carpooled with her, how he wouldn't do marriage counseling, but did try individual counseling with skeptical results, etc. N showed my messages to my husband's boss to try to get him fired. It didn't take but my husband felt so violated and rightly so.

Later that night, my husband told me to pick a counselor, he wants it over. Asked how long. I remained firm at 12 sessions. He got even more mad. I told him that I still love him and still believe we're meant to be. He said he used to think that but he's over it.

The next few days he'll kick things and slam doors while I stay in the bedroom. He'll move the guest room and bathroom. He'll shoot me dirty looks anytime he catches me outside of the bedroom. I eventually find a counselor who seems like a good listener, takes our insurance, and is level 2 Gottman technique trained. That appointment isn't for another 2 days though. In the meantime, I've been updating utility accounts to my name (house is under my name alone) and change my direct deposit to my personal bank account, and move funds from our joint checking to my personal checking to prevent my husband taking more money than I can afford to keep the house running.

Today, my husband calls me to ask about updating his direct deposit to his personal account. I ask if this means he's moving out. He's not but he's noticed I moved the money around. I explain why and how I don't want to do it but I know it's something he'll put off forever and I don't want my utilities to be at his mercy. He seems to understand and says he just wants some control on how much money he contributes. I told him that his pay probably won't cover half our bills, to which he says he should move in with his friend right away then. I tell him I'm not ready. We eventually agree to wait and sort it out later, maybe in our first counseling session.

While still on the phone with him, I told him I've been reading /r/deadbedrooms and how sad it is. I told him that I think we're different the the stories there though. Because he hasn't been very vocal nor open to marriage counseling while I've been very apologetic and working to be what he needs ever since the text message affair. He says it doesn't matter. He's done and over us. He doesn't want to be with anyone who knows him. I said that can't be true because he had his coworker over that Monday evening. He clarified that he doesn't want to be with anyone who knows him well. He doesn't want be around anyone who knows the old him. I asked what was wrong with the old him. Old Him was miserable. I told him that I don't want him to be his old self, but I want him to give New Me a shot. He said he wasn't interested. I pleaded with him to try. He said he couldn't promise that. I asked him why he couldn't even try. Because he doesn't want to.

I just love him so much. We've been THE couple other folks envy. We're peanut butter and jelly, according to multiple folks. We completed each other. I'm the responsible one and he's the fun one. We supported each other in different but important ways for so long. We played video games for the other to watch, read books to each other, etc. We just enjoyed just being in the same room together no matter what we were doing together or individually.

I just don't see a future without him.