I'm sorry you are going thru this?

Since you knew "we've been having problems", did you ever ask him about the state of your marriage? Did you ever ask him "hey, I know this is a tough patch, but are we ok"?

Yes but he wouldn't talk to me. When I would ask he'd just say yeah or were getting there. I guess I didn't ask enough. He's never been one to go into what he's feeling. He doesn't let me in. It's always been that way. How am I supposed to know what's wrong and try to fix it if he won't let me know.

My ex wife did the same after 24 years, this was over 3 years ago. I would suggest you get an attorney ASAP and start working towards the financial side before he starts draining or hiding assets if he hasn't already. It's a rough road but don't waste time wishing he would come back, they usually have thought this through and more often than not have someone else waiting in the wings..

My boyfriend does that to me a lot. I won't know anything's wrong and all of a sudden he's like, "I can't take it anymore!" and it's not fair to not give you a chance to work on things when you don't know what's wrong. But in the end, if he doesn't communicate his issues, he probably never will, and it will be better for you to be alone/with someone who doesn't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells overthinking the slightest thing you've done might be the last straw.

Sending love, strength, and hugs

"I guess I didn't ask enough."

Nope, that's not it. If he's a non-communicator, you could've asked till the cows come home and you'd probably still get nothing. Don't accept blame where it's not deserved.

Living for years with someone who can't communicate takes it toll on you. I did find myself in a light depression toward the end of my 29 year marriage, and I attribute it to his constant rejection, and his saying we'd work on things but never following through with action. I was totally rejected and dejected. Once I stopped waiting for him to communicate and stopped anticipating anything in that regard from him, I finally saw the fog lifting from our marriage. I saw the decrepit state it was in. I took action and started feeling empowered. There was no depression anymore. You just might be depressed because you don't have a spouse who you can really talk to. Of course it may be more, but it's something to think about.

First of all, I am sorry that this is happening to you. Any it's not your fault. If he can't hack it, it's his issue. I am sure that going to an attorney is a big step and one that will probably be hard to take.
Do you think there's any hope or chance that with therapy your marriage can be saved?
If not you may want to see any attorney because people do funny and cruel things with money when they know that things are ending. Secondly get yourself as much support as possible. Depression is tough on everyone and you are not alone, it's not your fault.

Thanks to all. I've finally got him to open up a bit and it has cleared "the fog" a bit for me. I'm finally realizing that our marriage was seeming more like a roommate situation more than anything for the past few years. I still love him but I know that my depression has put him in a feeling of neglect. Not that he isn't to blame as well. If he would have just tried to talk to me about how he was feeling and try to help me get through this then maybe we could have made things work. Then again maybe not. I'm starting to look at all this through new eyes. I'm still hurt, but I'm surviving. Our girls are taking it a bit hard but they know we both love them very much.

marriage vows are where he pledged to be honest
he choose not to be open
that is pretty crappy

Marriages are so hard. The worst thing you can do is blame yourself for anything. If he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore his loss. It is going to be hard especially after 20 years....Just remember you are stronger than you think and there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

I am sorry for what you are going through...i am going through that similar thing. What can you do...my ex left after 9 years of being in commited relationship as well. She said she changed. her feelings changed...we drifted apart...she felt like we are into diffrerent thinngs...but the bottom line she was unhappy...so after she left...she immediately has a new man....cant do anything about it..it hurts...it sucks...but We have to tell yourselves there is a reason why this is happending right??? you must be questioning yourself...why couldnt they have told us there was a problem BEFORE it got that bad in their eyes...but we will ever know that answer. all i can say is what others tell me...time needs to occur to help with healing. i mylsef am torn and jealous of them...but all we can do is fight for our own needs and children...

I'm one of those that think saving a marriage is better than fleeing, if possible. Ask him to go to counseling with you. Definitely worth a shot.

I could never even get him to go to a doctor or even talk to me. I doubt he'd go for it. I'm not sure anymore if I want to even try to save our marriage. I'm so confused about how I feel. Maybe being apart will bring me clarity. But thanks for the advice.

I think some people are better at picking up on nonverbal cues than others. If you're with someone who holds their feelings in, it's easy to pretend like everything is okay and coast along even when we secretly know there is something bothering him.

My husband doesn't initiate conversation when's he upset or anxious about something. I pay attention to the man I love, so I know by his body language. My husband is normally a funny, loving, protective and caring husband. He buys flowers for no reason, lets me off at the door when we shop, rubs my feet at night while we watch tv and shows he cares in a lot of different ways. When he's struggling with something this how I know:

- He folds his arms over his chest in a protective pose, even when he's sitting.
- He clams up, probably afraid he'll spill the beans in a mean way.
- He veges out more than usual watching movies and gaming.
- He gets really frustrated with his video games, cause that easier than venting toward someone he cares about.
- He drinks more milk and juice. Don't ask cause I don't know why. I just see the quarts sitting near his seat in the living room.
- His eye contact is non-existent. Trying to pretend nothing's wrong. The minute I look into his eyes, I know. Since he's clearly aware that he's expressive that way, he hides it. Go's so far as wearing sunglasses sometimes.
- He parks his car differently, never been able to figure that one out.
- He is slow to respond when I talk to him.

Sometimes I ask and he tells me all about it, other time it feels like he'd burn in hell before saying something. I've noticed he is more open about things that are not directly related to me. He'll tell me all about a problem at work with very little prompting. It takes a little more to get him to discuss his mother's dementia. It's really hard for him to tell me things like he does not like going to bed alone when I elect to work in my office late. Sometimes I ask him, he doesn't want to talk so I give a few days, giving gentle reminders that I'm a good listener. He'll eventually come around to talking in his own time. The thing is, if he talks and I don't do my part in meeting him halfway to correct the situation, he loses trust in me and it makes it that much harder for him to talk.

If you were struggling with depression, he might have felt like crap about burdening you his problems. Then again he might have just gotten tired of nothing ever changing no matter whether or not he talked. Men are fascinating creatures and you have to sit up and pay attention to know what's going on with the ones that aren't good at expressing their feelings.

@ Gutted - Then again....some of those who have problems expressing their feelings never learn to do it, no matter how gentle you are, no matter how much time you give them, no matter what any counselor says. Sometimes you put yourself out there too long, just waiting for them to come around, and they never do. Some are just too damaged. Those you have to be careful with, because they can be like a black hole of non-communication, and you can become swallowed up in it that hole and disappear.

JoJored, I agree with your statements 100%. If my husband didn't eventually talk to me in his own time, even when I let him know I noticed something was wrong, I'd be worried and walk quickly down then path of getting him professional help or making a different choice for myself.

The reason I wrote that lengthy post was to point out that there are ways to handle people who stuff their feelings and most always if you are living with someone you profess to love, you know when things aren't right. Ignoring a hurting spouse because he doesn't communicate well is easy but will lead to them leaving you eventually.

To me it's telling that ex talked to everyone but the OP. She identified their marital stressor as her depression. Why would a married man not feel comfortable talking to his depressed wife about marital problems and independently lose hope that they work things out without talking to her? There is more going on here. Something that makes that decision make sense. I find that people who come here don't typically give enough for us to truly understand their situation. We get the one side of the equation. I just identify with the OP because my hubbie does not communicate well either and hoped to offer some insight into the other side.