Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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cha385 09/01/2017

I realize that this is purely selfish, but I am having a really hard time sharing my kids with my estranged husband. We have separated before, but this weekend is the first time that the kids will be staying with him for more than a few hours. They are with him for the next couple of days. I have been away from them before for a few days when they've gone to see their grandparents and I usually didn't have the same sad, upset feelings. Part of it is loneliness because I'm not at all used to living alone. But it's also just the fact that they'll be with him while I'm alone. I've been the one who has been there consistently with the kids and for them. He has contributed time, effort and love when he has felt like it, not when they needed it. A long time ago he chose the amout of money he wanted to contribute to the household and no matter how much he earns or what our needs are, he has VERY rarely contributed even one dollar more, and has only done that when the mood struck him. Whenever he did do anything for me or for the kids or the house, he immediately would announce to whoever was present what he had done and would sulk if he didn't get the immediate and eager adulation he felt he deserved for, you name it, doing a load of dishes, walking the dog or even buying a few groceries. He abused me emotionally and psychologically and neglected all of us for years and got away with it just because I didn't understand that non-physical abuse was really a thing. Now that I'm on to him and have had him move out, I am feeling down about him getting visitation. I am letting the kids go with him, of course, because they deserve to see their dad, but I just keep feeling like I soooo do NOT want to "share" my kids with him. I feel lonely, for sure, but that's not the real problem. I am lucky to have lots of excellent, super supportive friends to spend time with, and plenty of things to do while they are gone. I think most of my resistance comes from a deeply seated feeling that he doesn't deserve them. I know that's not helpful and not right. I am hoping that having the kids overnight will pressure him to be a better parent and that somehow he'll bring himself to meet that challenge. But I'm just so sad. They are the light on my life and I enjoy being with them, while he has always made it really clear that he would rather spend time with his friends. I am sad and upset that he gets to be with them while I have to deal with these feelings and miss my kids. Has anyone been through something similar?

Cora_Belle 09/01/2017

Yeah, I had to deal with it b/c my ex and his new wife raised my kids. I can either let the resentment kill me or I can accept "it is what it is". I learned early on that my children are not my possessions; they do not "belong" to me. They are children who deserve a relationship with both mother AND father.

Compared to me, you are extremely lucky.

run2bfree 09/01/2017

I don't think that is selfish, your just a Mom and that is normal. I found it very difficult too and once my son went with him for 2 weeks and I cried for 6 hours. He was not a great dad so it was hard. Now they are grown up and last one is in university so it is easier. Hugs

serenityspeaks 09/01/2017

These are normal feelings. I did everything for our kids so this was so hard on me. I really have no support system. At first he had them most weekend till court when judge did 50 50. I was numb. I was sad. I was mad. I did feel like my kids were taken from me. I adapted. It has its moments. They eat out alot with him yet its not my call. He has his family help. I have noone none the less he osnt a bad dad but he also helped when he felt like it so it was hard to not be upset. Its been a year now.

11Christmases 09/01/2017

Do you have a 50/50 arrangement, or the usual every other weekend with a few hours during the week arrangement?

I think what helped me deal with visitation, is that my kids complain to me about minor things over there like the step-family. This lets me know they prefer being at my house, even if I'm not really doing anything with them. We do every other weekend, so it goes by pretty fast.

bridgie101 09/01/2017

You have to trust the universe or something. That either daddy's going to grow up and be a man and the kids will love him and get what he can offer (money, contacts, help with careers) or he's going to not man up, continue to be a jerk, and they will eventually identify him for what he is.

Either way, exposure to him is key.

So hang on in there, and cry if you need to. I totally know the feels. :)

Slobo421 09/01/2017

Of course that's tough, I have real sympathy for you. If dad is capable of being a father to the kids then you have to give him a chance. It will be better for your kids in the long run. Just keep him in line with the kids, make sure he follows thru with his duties whatever they are with the kids. He's going to have to work being a single parent is hard no matter how much the liberal media glorifies it. He may make small mistakes in the beginning just from not being used to having this role. Be patient, try to help him since he sounds like a immature idiot he will need help lol. Now that's the good thinking on this. Lets hope he does right by your kids like a man should.

refurb 09/01/2017

Yep, I know your feelings well, my kids mother likes to do all the stuff with the kids that one can show off on Facebook and take "credit" for

Other than that, she comes first, too many times to count when she'll go off for a weekend with her boyfriend
On weekends that the kids are supposed to be with her
I like it, I'll take my kids every day, but o can see how conflicted it makes them feel
On one hand they don't need her stress
On they other hand they think "what am I to her"

jojored 09/01/2017

I know how you feel. My son's college housing option fell through this fall and all of a sudden he has no where to live, so he came up with the idea of moving in with his dad and grandmother, they live about 20 minutes away from his school. Ugh. Last year he came home once or twice a month at the most, he'd take the train and I'd pick him up at the train station. The ex and I were still in the same house. Now that we're divorced, I was figuring if he lived on campus he would come see me every other visit, and I was fine with that. Good for him to see his dad every other visit. Now that he'll be living full time with his dad, I have all kinds of uncomfortable feelings. I feel jealous. I realize that it's my son's choice, and if he's happy I will learn to be happy for him. Except one thing - his dad came over tonight to discuss some issues, and he told me when I asked that he usually doesn't come home after work till late at night. He fixes himself a sandwich and doesn't eat with his mom, who he said usually eats early. OH, REALLY? He also stated that he hopes this living arrangement is temporary. OMG. I would feel SO blessed to have my son living with me full time if I were in his position. The ex is saying in an indirect way that it's a burden on his lifestyle to have his son live with him. He is showing our son who he really is, and it's heartbreaking to see. As much as I'm jealous, I'm more concerned that my son will feel unwanted in that house. I don't think he'll do right by our son, but I hope yours does. Especially if they're young.

What 09/02/2017

I tis by for the hardest thing about this divorce stuff. Losing the kids. only being part of their lives for a bit. Not know all that is going on. not being there to tuck them in and see them. I cry all the time over it.

cha385 09/09/2017

Thanks everybody for your comments. You all gave me a lot to think about. Also it's really helpful to hear about your experiences and your thoughts about what is normal. Maybe I worry a lot about what is normal or okay, but I'm trying to be very patient with myself because this breakup is brutal (like most of them probably are.) My kids and I endured a lot of manipulation and abuse, both psychological and emotional. I didn't even realize that was what was going on until recently. That's what led to the separation. I refused to live like that anymore and he refused to go to counseling or engage in any efforts to improve our relationship. Learning that what we went through was abuse really made me want to slow down and consider my reactions to things. I'm still learning to trust my own perceptions and instincts again without my ex scrutinizing and criticizing all of my thoughts and feelings. I want to be fair to my kids and I do hope that he will be a better dad. It's just hard sometimes to share my babies, especially with him. It's getting easier though, if only a little. What helps me is to see how they feel when they leave and get back. They have fun during their time with them, which makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing by letting them go. But they also miss being home with me, which reminds me of the unbreakable bond we share. It reminds me that their emotional reality is different from mine regarding this situation. They don't need us to be together or for their dad to be sorry for all the harm he did. They just want to kiw that both of us still love them and will take care of them. It's still brutal for me when they go, but this group is helping a lot. I'm sorry for all of your struggles too. We all know how hard this is, but with faith, a little comfort, a little therapy, and a lot of support, each of us will get through it.

Finallyfreemyself 09/10/2017

Hi. In my first marriage I got to watch my three young sons ride off every weekend in a nice big Lincoln with their mom and her wonderful new man. Then come home with all new clothes and toys and amazing stories.
This was just months after I had to relocate all the way back across the country because my son of 14 had been surviving by himself for 2 months.
The pain. The jealousy. The loneliness. The hate were all there and nothing anyone can do about it. I accepted back every time with a smile and reassured them that they will always have their mom no matter what.
I know it hurts but no amount of gifts or attention they receive your kids will always know who was truly there for them.

cha385 09/10/2017

Finallyfreemyself,
Wow - Thank you for sharing your story. You really captured the heartbreak in very few words. I love the last sentence. It's so true, kids are smart and they know what's up. It's not easy, but we need to be strong for them.

Finallyfreemyself 09/10/2017

Thank you for sharing too. I apologize if I'm not very responsive or miss something. I'm not very good at navigating this site but trying to learn. I have a deep concern for everyone here and love connecting.

copingwith2 09/10/2017

This is what panics me too. When he wants to take the kids. We don't have an agreement in place yet so he feels he can just call and come get them. Our daughter doesn't want to go anymore because her father always brings the new girlfriend and our daughter doesn't like her at all. So now my daughter says I am not going and he thinks that is me twlling her to not go. I am trying everything to get her to go but he won't see that she wants just her dad, not his girlfriend. So it is hard to watch our kids go for sure.

Finallyfreemyself 09/10/2017

So I was talking to my youngest son about this today. He is 25 now but was 8 when this happened. We were remembering how he was the one that came to me about his mother's affair. He told me mom took us to the skating rink over the weekend and introduced us to this guy and said "remember Ray? Your basketball coach"? My son said dad that was not my coach. I think she's lying. I was so much more broken that he had to come to me and tell me than her cheating. These kids did not do this yet they pay the heaviest price. It's very very hard to let your children drive away with these kind of people.

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