Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Resisting the temptation to reunite

PinkArzora
PinkArzora
My STBX came home early August and announced he was leaving me and already had someone else. We have 2 young boys, I was weeks away from my nursing clinicals, and I never thought he would really go. Looking back I know we were toxic together, that we fought more than we got along, that I have a drinking problem and he has a temper problem. After reading some previous posts about giving it a second chance, and about the stages of divorce, I find myself in that same place. I know we are likely better apart in the long run, but I still love him, and I still want him, and all he does is criticize me about all the little bullshit things that he claims drove him away, prompting me, on a subconscious level at least, to want to change those things. If you're wondering, yes, I am doing the AA thing, but question if it's for him or me. He talked about my weight gain so I'd been dieting, which is something I want anyway but knowing his GF is 20 and a lingerie model adds fuel to the fire.We were in a cycle of fight and then make-up sex, maybe out of boredom after 12 years, and in the back of my mind I sort of pretend that's what this is.... a drawn out fight that will culminate in this intense reunion. There have been occasions where he's wanted to make-up, but them abruptly retracts, and the only remorse he's expressed is by text, "Iknow I made a mistake" note: not "I'm sorry I made..." When you have kids you can't do the no contact thing, so how do you deal with those fleeting temptations?
Rman
Rman
It's up to you. You have to WANT to stop contact...
MsBlank1
MsBlank1
Have you tried e-mails strictly pertaining to the children?
This is difficult to do and am not versed in this area as my children are grown.
((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))
Keep focusing on yourself and your children!
deleted_user
deleted_user
No matter if you talk to him and take him back, have a break up and talk strictly about kids any other talk, you hang up, you still will have unresolved problem. What do you want to see changed? Work on it with a counseling help or yourself.
scarletjaded
scarletjaded
My situation is different, I made the decision to leave my ex, and no kids are involve, but we had a very strong emotional attachment, and I often second guessed my decision to leave... I resolved to make a list of why our relationship could not work, and why I deserved better than he could give me (a suggestion for your case, you deserve someone who will be there no matter what, though thick and thin, which this man can't seem to provide for you) every time you feel tempted to try to rekindle things with him, read the list (it helps to write it down, in the moment you may not be able to remember reasons) Counseling will also help you with this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No matter how the break-up comes about, whether your idea or the other persons, everyone has those fleeting thoughts/hopes of reconciliation usually out of loneliness or regret over something that cannot be changed.

I would suggest you use treat your romantic relationship with your soon to be ex like a drug and use the steps and diversion techniques you're learning through AA. You recognize your relationship was toxic and while he has admitted to 'making a mistake' it doesn't specify what the mistake was exactly or that he even actually regrets it. So I would move on and concern yourself with the other major events in your life, a new career, drinking, children, etc. you maybe longing for the familiar simply because it's famliar and not because it's what you really want.
Tambo5
Tambo5
I am currently going through a divorce from my husband who is an alcoholic and I feel we had a toxic relationship. We have three children and were divorced and remarried - over a period of 20 years. We separated many times and found ourselves back together. I will ALWAYS love him, but I know that I want to live with someone who I can respect, trust, love, depend on, etc. Sometimes you have to look at the big picture. It's easy to overlook the bad and only focus on the good when you love someone and want it to work out. Think about how you want to be treated and how you got here in the first place. It is easier if you stop the contact as much as possible and only talk about the kids or things you have to. Don't talk about things that will stir up all of the good emotions. Give yourself some time! Figure our who you are and what you want. You and your children deserve to be happy.
PinkArzora
PinkArzora
Thank you for your responses. My father has worked as a psychiatric nurse for 30 years and said, flatly, he (the STBX) needs a psychiatrist. He's so moody that when he's up he's so sweet and wonderful, but when he's down/angry he's unstable, irrational and straight up scary. Part of what drives my temptation is that he's physically beautiful and I don't know how I'll ever meet someone, that my comfort zone is to be with him. I realize I do need to give myself time, but the jealousy of this younger woman makes me crazy. It makes me want to jump into bed with someone else right away though it would be wreckless.
deleted_user
deleted_user
both of you sound very toxic to me. i think that both of you need counseling to get your feet on the ground as individuals first before you can be of much good to another.

with that said, your man went way overboard with his affair. that was the dealbreaker for most women who are trying to raise a healthy family. on that alone, i would dump him and raise the kids solo while cleaning up your own personal act.

since the guy is so far out there, i see no point in talking further about him. let him flounder. just get your child support from him.

now, as for you personally, your approach to men needs evaluating. your tendency of being drawn to unhealthy relationships with bad boys is not conducive to raising your children well.

your kids are very small. you need to get your act together fast. or, you will raise kids that are toxic too.

good luck. that's just my guesses on this anyway.
PinkArzora
PinkArzora
Wow, faithful, you're a straight shooter. I appreciate your honesty. I realized in my AA group that I've never been in a healthy relationship. I'm not always attracted to "bad" boys, but am prone to gravitate toward the dysfunctional fixer-uppers. Obviously I need fixing. You are right that I need to be more conscious and mature about who I let in my life now that I am a mother. The STBX actually said, today, "he's never been more serious" about us getting back together, and we could go on a date, followed by he'd like a quickie while on break from work. He popped in uninvited a little later and I told him about this sight, that most, speaking from experience, say it's really hard to rekindle a broken marriage w/out professional help. He said it was ridiculous, that no one knows "us" like we do. I mentioned various issues about my self I'd work on, and asked how he'd reciprocate, and while chewing a vicodin like a mint said, "I don't really have issues. There's my temper, but that's only when YOU make me angry..." He gets angry at everyone, his best friends, his co-workers, his parents, customers... pretty convenient to pin it on me. You are all helping me see this clearly, and though it may be hard to swallow, tough love may be what I need right now to not fall back into a dark, unhappy place.
deleted_user
deleted_user
the push pull... it sucks. it's hard. i had the same problems.. even after EVERYTHING my ex is done to me it was hard resisting wanting to go back to what i knew... and yah in some twisted way missing and loving him. even when he never properly did me. you're better off without him... and what I do is send a weekly update to him and his sister and his parents all at once. that way im not tempted to mak eit personal... just a strict update about the kids with some attached pictures... and the nnothng. my ex doesnt try to contact us however. he hasnt called the children since may. and the only time i text him is when i find out he isnt paying some bill or doing something eh should be doing (ie texting my friends trying to find me)
deleted_user
deleted_user
"I don't really have issues. There's my temper, but that's only when YOU make me angry..." All while chewing on an addictive drug.

Definitely resist the temptation for now. Resist until he comes to the point that he can accept that he has issues that have to be worked on.

In the meantime focus on yourself. Your wants, your needs. Dealing with your own issues. Discover things about yourself that you forgot, or never knew.

As to No Contact, my ex and I communicate almost exclusively through email, and the only topics that either of us will (generally) respond to has to do with our daughter. In time, it gets easier to avoid any other topic.

Take care.
deleted_user
deleted_user
^ i agree with her about dicovering things about yourself. That's what I did. I sat down and actually began writing a list... and found and realized things about my self that i had either forgotten or hadnt known. its at abotu 400 something now. all my friends think its hysterical because i just had tons of fun with it. at one point i put

33. i tend to repeat myself
34. i tend to repeat myself

they get the biggest kick out of it. and i love reading back through it and going wow.. i for got all abotu this girl. :) i even added things that id like to see in a good male partner and things id never put up with again. etc. just everything i am everything i want.. and everything i dream for.

good therapy :)
COUGARJG
COUGARJG
My ex and me only communicate through E-mails, and it works well, the no contact works and you will atart feeling better with time. As far as the youger gal goes I am in the same boat I keep telling myself to work on me and there is nothing I can do to control the situation about my ex and who she is with.