Being the child of an alcoholic adds a nasty little twist to ones life. Everyone represses feelings at different times during their lives because those feelings are hard to deal with. When you learn that nifty little skill as a child you become really good at it. Fortunately I found that out pretty early in life and have since learned to recognize the signs that I'm repressing something that is too painful to face. When I see the signs I focus on my feelings to get to the bottom of it. As I do that I can feel it coming to the surface. It can take days or weeks. But as it's bubbling up and getting closer I get more and more anxious. That's the feeling I've had for a few weeks now and it's been getting stronger over the past few days.

When it comes out, like it did at 2:00 this morning, it's like a nagging thought in the back of your head that won't go away. When you're laying in bed with no alternative but to think about it, it all comes spilling out onto your pillow. It took a few hours of physically gut wrenching realizations, but it's out. Finally.

So what is so horrible? What hurts so much? The funny thing is, I've said it before in a post but I never let myself feel it. I found someone who I believed was as close to a soul mate as you could find. Perfect for me in every way. I fell hard and fast and knew that was it for me forever. I have a folder full of emails that would make any womans knees buckle. They were written after he had fallen out of love with me. Which means he lied for 4 months before he finally broke and told me. When he finally did tell me he said that when he was on leave for two weeks and came home he realized he didn't have that spark anymore. I remember asking how he felt when we saw each other at the airport and hugged each other. (and heres where everything got shoved to the back of my mind) His answer "Awkward". That has got to be the most painful word I've heard in my life. The feeling I had when I saw him and the feeling I had when I held him after 7 months of being separated was so incredible. I cried right there in the middle of the airport. I held on so tight. Then we made love for 2 weeks so often my kids hardly got to see him. It made the separation all worth it just to spend those 2 weeks with him. And he felt awkward. That's just fuckin' lovely. So he goes back to start another 6 month training course and sends me all these incredible love letters of how he would marry me all over again, and missed me and loved me more than his own life. Obviously it was all lies. It doesn't matter if he was lying to himself or lying to me. And so, if he could lie to either or both of us for 4 months why would I believe anything he ever said? I don't believe he ever loved me.

I'm over him. I've moved on. I'm happy. But I gotta tell you the realization that I loved someone so deeply and never did receive the same in return is incredibly painful to deal with. Sometimes something doesn't feel real until you tell someone about it. I did that. Can I please stop crying and go to sleep now?