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Remind me not to Talk to Him Again

tammib
tammib
So, the STBX and I have really never discussed the Facebook messages and text messages I found between him and one of our female friends. Nor have we discussed the pages and pages of text messages her husband found which led him to install hidden cameras and spyware on her phone and computer. She had three or four alias accounts they used to attempt to hide from her husband once he caught on. Not too much to talk about, I saw all I needed to know in the messages between them. Anyway, I severed all romantic relations with my husband and he moved into his own room. We are roommates and have a daughter together. Trust me I know, the roommate deal will almost certainly not last. Anyway, he has sent me millions of texts about how sorry he is and yada yada yada. Just going by the texts, a reasonable person might think that my STBX is a somewhat decent guy who screwed up and is sorry. I never really see Captain Sorry with my eyes, I only see texts from him. Today I put him on the spot and asked him to talk to me about it. It was a complete circu. Captain Sorry didn't show up. There was no telling me that he was so stupid and didn't realize how much he had to lose and please please please forgive him. I am his everything. Yada Yada Yada. I think it is much easier for him to portray Captain Sorry via text. So today he says they were just friends and didn't cross any lines. What??????? For 2.5 months you have been telling me that you didn't realize what you had to lose and that you were wrong and hope I can forgive you and now you are telling me you didn't cross any lines????? You told her you wanted to see her beautiful face next to yours and you didn't cross any lines????? What fucking world do you live in?

Anyway, I guess there must be some part of me that had been affected by the text messages or I wouldn't be so pissed when Captain Obvious showed up today. I haven't been mad or cried for over a month. I knew I still had grieving days ahead of me, but man, this one just showed up fast and slapped me in the face. I am such a dumbshit! I asked him how he felt about using 3 or 4 different fake accounts to hide the messages from her husband and he said he hadn't really thought about that. What??????? What kind of person does that? God, if I ever think he has a shred of decency, please slap me. I am the dumbest fucker EVER! I know I am on a rant. probably all sorts of typos and stuff that can't even be understood. Plus, I am not exactly Iyanla right now. Oh well. Where is that send button? There it is. Poof, for the whole world to see how nuts I am!!!!!!
Missy73
Missy73
Don't worry Tammi. A good rant is healthy every once and I while. I just posted one a little while ago. It's amazing how they can do one little thing and we're back in a downward spiral. It's important that you stop blaming yourself. Wanting to believe in the power of change doesn't make you dumb. It just means you haven't given up on love and hopefully you'll find the kind you deserve with someone else.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ranting is good, girl.

When I need a reminder NOT to talk to, or text someone who is OUT of my life for a reason, I remember the crappy, mean things they said or tried to pull on me.

It gets easier girl, trust me. Hang in there!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Tammi: He has answers to all your questions, but he knows the answers will not be what you will want to hear.

How did he feel when using 3 or 4 different fake accounts to hide the messages from her husband? I think the truth is that he felt sneaky, and like a smart-ass that pulled off a huge prank and got clear away. UNTIL they both got caught because they thought they were too smart to get caught.

P.S. With him right in the home, I wouldn't get into texting with him. It's too easy for him to lie. You want to be able to talk to him and look him right in the eyes while he's telling you this crap and make him squirm. Staring at him in the eyes can be really uncomfortable to someone who is lying to you.
tammib
tammib
You are dead on. He has been texting me over and over for months. I thought I didn't believe anything he had to say, but if that were true, what was today all about? I knew his texts didn't match his behavior, but why even bother testing it today? I think maybe Smart Tammi was worried Dumb Tammi was getting sucked in and hence the test. At any rate, no more texting! Whew, I have not been that fired up for a long time!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Tammi - I hear you, girl....seriously.

When I get the "fired up" feeling about my ex...for whatever reason...I almost don't know what to do with it anymore because it comes so few and far in between nowadays.

As pathetic as this is, when I was separating, etc and I was texting him nonstop...I gave my phone to my GF at work and told her, under no circumstances, was I allowed to get my phone back during work. Even if I begged. I had to, quite literally, force myself to stop texting by taking away my ability to text.

Nowadays, if I'm done....especially when someone has proven that the convo will just go in circles, with no end, and only serve to let them criticize or belittle me...I can say, " take care", and be done with it.

I don't want drama in my life, and I will not cater to people and their attempts to just get a rise out of me.

Saying nothing says so much.
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
TTMI-

"Nowadays, if I'm done....especially when someone has proven that the convo will just go in circles, with no end, and only serve to let them criticize or belittle me...I can say, " take care", and be done with it."

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
tam-

Perhaps I am confused, but is it correct that your husband doesn't know that you have all the facts which confirm him having an affair?
tammib
tammib
I can see why you are confused. It was a mess! I suspected nothing. I stumbled onto Facebook messages between my husband and Lemon Pie....yes that was really the name. I pretty easily identified her as the wife of one of our couples friend. They both claim it was only texting and Facebook messages, who knows, who cares? I was done right then and there. In the days to follow, her husband brought me pages and pages of texts between the two of them. He had tons of stuff I didn't have, but I found the worst stuff not even looking while his spyware missed it. Mine were more recent than his and much juicier. My husband would tell her that he missed her and he said he needed a hug and he said he wanted her beautiful face next to his. Nuff said! Oh life is a bitch. He knows I saw the messages. I am sure there were messages I didn't see, and the STBX probably wonders which is which. He down plays the relationship. The messages were vanishing as I was discovering them..odd that he would be deleting them at the exact moment I was finding them. He said he realized it was wrong and not worth it and that is why he was deleting messages. What a crock?! Here is the funniest thing: when a friend closes his / her Facebook account, you can't get them off of your Friend's list. Hahahahahahaha, he will forever be Facebook friends with all of her phony names! Lemon Pie lives in infamy!
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
I suppose Lemon Pie is better than Banana Cream, but I digress...especially on such a serious matter.

So, it appears...quite possibly.....that your H had an EA and NOT a PA.

Frankly, that may be good news. While EA's can be equally devastating for the BS.....men tend to bond more when an EA includes a PA.

Can I assume that they no longer are in contact, and he is just minimizing the whole thing? He wants to stay married to you?
tammib
tammib
I am pretty sure you are correct in your assumptions. Well who knows really when the only people involved are of such obvious questionable character? As best as I know, it was an emotional affair, not physical. I believe my STBX would have left me for her only she wasn't as into him as he was her and she wanted to stay with her husband, who is in complete denial IMO. I believe she just liked the attention. She told me that my STBX was her third source for "validation" during her marriage and she thinks everyone needs that. Is he minimizing? It appears to me he is. He could really be just an awful person with no conscious I guess. All things being equal the simplest answer is the usually the correct one. That points to minimizing. He wants me back...allegedly. I really don't want to moonlight as a private investigator. The only people who will ever know the truth aren't trustworthy. As I read my own words, sometimes I cannot even believe this is my life.
tammib
tammib
conscience, not conscious
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
Ok, so the EA is no longer going on, and he wants to stay married.

What exactly is preventing that from happening?
Are you willing to forgive his EA if he owns up to it?
If so, have you told him that?
tammib
tammib
Forgiveness is a good goal. I really thought I was there, until today. Now I know I have work to do in that area. I don't want to stay married to him.
REDOAGAIN
REDOAGAIN
Just my humble opinion; it is a difficult time for forgiveness right now. Under the same roof, not being accountable, and really untrustworthy. It's good to keep your feathers ruffled right now, to help you remember his un- trustworthiness. It is a shame how people need to flirt to feel validated. Especially now with all the technology crap. An emotional affair is still an affair.