Wow, this is so painful. Don't know if this will hurt or help, but do you have videos of her you can play to bring out a little smile? Maybe you can plan something special for when she comes home, like paint her room or decorate it a bit (if she's younger). Spend this time doing boring tasks that you need to so that when she comes home you'll have a little more free time with her. Take her out for italian ice or ice cream when she returns and have her tell you all about her visit. She has to know it's ok for her to be without you, and as horrible as it may be to have her away from you and with stbx, show interest in the things she did (fake it if you have to).

I hate to say this but this is just a prelude to when stbx finally gets out and you're at the point of some kind of agreement. He'll get some parenting time likely, so you'll be without her. I know it's killing me inside thinking that mine won't be here every day. That they'll be under his influence. In my case, stbx isn't even home much to be with them. He has other interests that don't involve the family. And when he is home, he's on the couch. He spent 8 1/2 hours yesterday watching tv. He left this morning (after logging only 3 hours watching tv on the couch) for parts unknown, didn't see the kids, and probably won't see the youngest at all today, as youngest is working and will be home after 10:00, will shower, and go right to bed. Should a father like that get 50/50 custody? I say no. He should get what he gives, with is more like 5%.

Ever see the "Purge" movies? Sometimes I write my own version in my head!

How to survive: Visit friends. Do chores. Clean out her closets. Get things ready for school. Make and freeze meals. Go shopping and restock the pantry. Watch a grown up movie on TV. Take a bubble bath.

I think that I've suggested before, make a notebook of all that you do for her. With him at home...even though you call him "unemployed", the courts could see him as a "stay at home father" and give him primary custody (Child support and alimony. For all normal purposes, the primary parent makes 99% of the decisions). You NEED that notebook to show how you've been parenting her.

I never really asked a whole lot about what the kids did when they were with their dad. But then my kids are the type to say "nothing" when asked direct questions. That said, having two, anything that they were told to "keep quiet about" was spilled before they'd been home 5 minutes...

I guess it is time to start doing things for yourself in these moments when she will not be around. At first it will be hard to plan your time alone when she goes for visits, but hopefully soon, as you start to get your life back in order you can start up hobbies or things you are interested in doing. This will also give you some conversation starters for when she gets back from her visits. just like jojo said, you want to make sure she feels ok about the visits and comfortable coming to you about them as well. It will be hard, but remember you are both going to be going through this. While in different tenses, you can be there for each other and create a stronger bond between you two.

Patti ~ could you talk a little bit more about the parenting notebook you referenced?

This week I started a "parenting log" where basically I list the times stbx is home and what he's doing, and when he's out, where I think he went. I write down when the kids asked me for rides to/from work, drives to friend's houses, asked me if it was ok to sleepover somewhere, asked if they could buy something. Times I took the youngest out driving (he has his permit), visits to the doctor. Stuff about classes for next year. All those things that I do as a parent. Stbx wants 50/50 - I don't think he deserves that time. When he's not working, he's not always here, but I am. When he's here, he's usually watching tv. He loves the kids, yes, but he likes to have them around more than he likes to do things with them. Pretty much interacts with them when are eating (the food I make) or if they also happen to be on the couch with him. Otherwise, they just do their thing. I always try to engage them (they're teens, so I tread lightly) and try to have at least a couple moments a day where we'll toss the frisbee or check out something that's happening in the yard or with the pets. Plus I'm the disciplinarian, so I remind them to do their chores (fun).

My log is narrative, with some barbs thrown in at stbx. Should I maybe tone that done and just be factual? Will lawyers want to see it?

@jojo,

That's pretty much what I did. I never had to use mine (never went to court even), but if he ever started to claim that he was Parent of the Year, I had something more than just a "his word-her word" to come back with.

At 16, the judge might not really care though. SO much depends on the judge. Some will just ask the kids. Some will just go 50/50. Some will rule for a stay at home parent.

Like I said, I never had to use mine. Never even showed my lawyer. I'd just keep it as a backup. The thing is, you've only got once chance to make a notebook. If you tried to go back, you'd never remember everything.

And yeah, I'd refrain from putting in the barbs. There's always the chance to say it later, but you can't take back words you've already said. Divorce is like a poker game...the idea is to give away as little as you can.

Thanks Patti. I'll remember the poker game analogy. I started off the divorce pretty naive. I was too concerned with his feelings, helping him get through things. I let my guilt for being the one to end the marriage color how I acted. I know better now thanks to everyone at DS.

Thank you for all your thoughts and support on this. Custody is not really an issue, because we are going to share it. It will require him to get an apartment and pay rent, which even with the money he is getting in a settlement from me, he will likely blow through fairly fast. He has a spending problem and is $40,000 in debt and under our current agreement, he is taking all the debt (if he actually signs the agreement). I also get to keep the house under the current agreement. Thus, even though we are sharing physical custody, I think that he will be hard pressed to make ends meet for long time and I think I will ultimately have physical custody, because he won't be able to meet bills and maintain a living place. We shall see.

Of course, the caveat is that his mother has been paying for his divorce and sending him money, so maybe she'll bail him out again. It is frustrating.