I think the difference between introspection and beating yourself up is a matter of compassion and action.

Are you only interested in flogging yourself in some inner melodrama?

Or do you have compassion enough for yourself that you ttruly believe you made some mistakes, you can correct if you take the right action?

The way it works in my life is, if my conscience is speaking up, that's a call to action just as much as anger is a call to mobility. Feeling guilty for me, means making amends, whether it's to another person I felt I wronged, or to myself for letting myself down.

Be gentle with yourself!!

You are taking responsibility and accountability for yourself which is very healing and empowering, yet you must find the balance between this and being too harsh. This a great thing you are doing...and something most people choose not to learn as it is easier to point fingers and take others inventory. Be proud that you have the courage and character to do this!!

Part of my healing was a 4th step inventory of myself. It was painful, but I learned so much with the help pf my sponsor. She also had me write a list of not just the shortcomings, but also of the positive. Like I said balance...and you will also find that the positives greatly outweigh the others.

Best of luck to you..you are on the right path to recovery!

joyride, I have a problem with guilt in general, while I could still afford my therapist, she said it was one of my main issues I needed to work on. I manage to feel guilt over everything. Things I have nothing to do with! Tornados, the deficit, global warming... LOL, I joke but its hard sometimes to be realistic with myself and really come to terms with my part in the breakup and either learn from it or just get rid of the guilt.

You dont have issues just because he made you think you did. He was the one with the issues. People should not have to change to make someone else happy. You are who you are. I am perfect. lol

Namaste's post is interesting in that I spent a few years in a 12 step programme too, and remember my 4th as well, it changed me profoundly for much the same reasons Namaste said.

If you feel guilty over things you know aren't your fault, but you can't stop yourself, then continuing therapy would be a good thing...failing that, a 12 step programme. It seems to have done wonders for a number of us.

I thought 12 step programs where for drug and alcohol abuse?

alcohol
drugs
sex and love
codependents
eating disorders
gambling
spending

I bet I'm missing a few.

Even if you don't feel you have any addictions to unhealthy behaviours, you can go to open meetings where anyone is welcome, and learn about the programme. Above everything else, it's a spiritual programme, so it's helpful for anyone who wishes to become a more healthy spirit.

I'm gonna check it out! Thanks! I want to be healthy!

sorry
I forgot to list

Alanon
Narcanon

I don't think so, by don't beat yourself up over it. I know I have made mistakes in my marriage that added to our problems. But I am not perfect and I truly hope never to be. We learn and grow from our mistakes.

I tried Alanon when my STBX got out of rehab, it works great for some people, not so great for others, I would say try it if you feel you need to do that, but I am with some of the other posts above, I am by no means perfect, but what my STBX tells me are my problems I equate to the oppisite, those are her problems with my personality. I should not have to be someone I am not to have a healthy relationship. I would rather not be in a relationship than be in one that I have to overanalyze my thoughts and find soul search my motives before I speak or act, who wants to live like that? I know I am a good person, and I will find a good person that I am compatible with in enough ways that it is not a chore to be with them. Some folks just don't mesh, that is what makes us all different. Good luck with your process. Inner peace and happiness with yourself does need to come first, you will never be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with who you are.

shantelle, look for ways to make your life simple and fun, not hard and complex.

often, the worst thing we can do is think. thinking is highly overrated. :)

One thing I kick myself for now was allowing myself to lose my independence while married. I wasn't interested in my own activities or hanging with just my friends. It was always me putting him on a pedestal, then mothering my son, and hanging with his friends while I became a roommate and single mom. I see, now, how a woman (or man) has to have their own separate lives within a relationship. One person cannot be the sole source of anyone's happiness.

Thanks for all the comments. I bash myself daily, I have to get over that or I'll never move forward. Faithful, you are so totally right. Over thinking has gotten me nowwhere...LOL no more thinking for me!

I think there is a very big difference between beating yourself up over decisions you made and fully taking responsibility for you half of what happened.