Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and has helped. It really means so much to me, I cannot thank you guys enough.
I have been really back and forth with my feelings about this relationship ending. I will either be super sad and still wanting to fight for the relationship or I will be so hurt and angry and looking at all of the horrible things that I had to go through and realizing that it really isn't okay.
The gaslighting and making everything my fault and failing to realize who was actually the problem (his friends most of the time) was not okay. At all. I feel like I was very emotionally abused in the relationship from after the first year. And that's not okay. I kept waiting for things to change and get better and they never really did. They would for a little while, but things always still got bad. Every time there was a problem with Tommy and I, it was because of something his friends said or did. Literally. And Tommy had been checked out of our relationship for quite a while. He used to be the one calling and saying "Let's fix this" and trying to make things work. But once his friends took over his head, things got really bad.
I went through SO much enotional trauma in this relationship because of his friend group and it really isn't okay. And it's not okay that I always felt like it was my fault. And he saw it as my fault too. Or maybe he just thought it wouldn't work with his friend group. But why couldn't he see that his friends aren't good people and that he is throwing away a beautiful relationship without them?
I miss when the times were good. I miss the future we had planned- the kids and the house and the traveling. I miss that so much and it hurts a lot. I feel stuck. Why did things have to happen like this????? I don't understand how he could just give up on us when OUR relationship wasn't even the problem. I know that he is not coming back to me but it just sucks that this had to happen.
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
I would encourage you to stop ruminating and saying "I just don't understand why HE would do X, Y, whatever" because this keeps you in codependence thinking. It keeps your focus on understanding HIM. The real issue is to understand yourself. Focus on how you feel. Every time you go to HIM thinking or the why stuff, remind yourself to stop that and refocus on yourself. The "WHY?" question can never be answered so stop with torturing yourself over why. It just is. Radical acceptance. He is how he is and you are how you are. We lack the power to fix or change other people.
If you are willing to do a fearless self inventory while you grieve as they say in AA, eventually you will have clarity and insight into the why. You'll see your part and his part and recognize the dysfunction and be able to avoid that in a future love. I wish you the best and admire that you are willing to do a deeper dive.