Hi Somer: D.S. doesn't provide lawyers, so anything you get here is opinions.

If you are not in therapy, I suggest you start and soon. Considering your anger, you are at a higher risk of getting yourself in trouble and that places consequences for you that you won't like. It could also get you thrown out of the home.

You know she told you she wants a divorce and she is probably just getting through the waiting period until she can file the divorce papers and use the attorney she already saw. You two have moved out of the same bedroom and are considering each other as "separated." So even though you don't want a divorce, she does and in the U.S., only one party has to want a divorce and that's sufficient. So you are "separated" and living in the same home and that changes things.

It changes things and you don't get to have sex with her any more, there aren't kisses any more, you don't get to have naked showers with her, and you aren't sharing the same bed or even the same bedroom any more. You don't get to open her mail either. You don't walk in the bathroom when she is in the shower. You both are entitled to have private papers that the other doesn't get to go through--like attorney's papers. You use common sense on a lot of it.

You want to back off of your wife, you want to remain separate inside the home, and have as little to say to her as possible to keep your anger down and keep yourself out of trouble. If you have to put a TV where your bed is, then do so and you will have a place to get away to and watch TV so you are alone.

You demanding to know where she is and to be told where she is going otherwise to you it means she is with another man----that will probably be used in court at some point and it doesn't sound good to a judge and it comes off like you are controlling, unreasonable and delusional. Because she wants a divorce and you two are living "separated," you have no basis to makes demands like that on her even if she may be seeing another man.

Now if you lose it and change the locks or lock her out of the home (and you can't lock her out of a joint marital home unless it is for something bad and there hasn't been anything bad), you may have the police show up and you will probably end up in court on an emergency basis. I can't see any reason a court would accept a lock out.

Her staying out late or not coming home until the morning isn't a reason because you are with the kids and you making demands and accusations because you are mad and spiteful, won't fly in a court. It would probably give the judge enough reason to allow her to stay in the home with the children until the divorce settlement is entered into record and order you out of the home immediately because you are displaying anger, are being disruptive and unreasonable at home, and are acting inappropriately with the children there.

What you should do is read the article I posted on this board today about Separated and living together. It talked about the pitfalls and provided some tips to help you.

Also, it is time you sat down with your wife and negotiated the days/nights that you and she separately are responsible for overseeing your children. You each should select separate days and nights (and don't take them together). Then the person who does not have to watch the children, can go wherever they want and do whatever they want and it is NOT THE BUSINESS OF THE OTHER SPOUSE what they are doing or where. When you don't have the children, it would be time for you to get out of the home and do other things.

With all of this going on in the house, it is probably time both of you parents stopped pretending marriage for the kids and told them that you two will be seeking divorce. They have probably picked up on the tension and some fighting already, kids pick up on that--I've been there as a kid. It would give you two the opportunity to put more space between both of you in the home also.

But remember everything you tell her, she can repeat to a lawyer and to a court. So you have to clam up and stop giving her material to use because you're only going to do yourself harm.

Thanks Astimegoesby for taking the time to write your response. It's greatly appreciated.

I am mad at her and I did tell her she was a bitch. Any other time, I just get up and go to another room. I just felt that she is cheating on me.

I will be moving out in the end of the month so that will help.

Hey changing the locks was a joke! I mean really who has an extra set of door locks just laying around their house in case a spouse stays out all night!

Somer, thanks for being honest. Calling her a bitch is something else that will probably wind up being used in court. Time to hit your reset button and start a new approach.

It's all so frustrating, it's all so unfair, and cheating is against everything all of us were brought up to believe against--but PLEASE clam up and no more giving her material for court. You are moving out at the end of the month and you can make it without any more remarks to her.

When you get upset, you clam up and go take a walk and try to remember things you are grateful for: I am grateful for the trees, I am grateful for the birds that are singing, I am grateful for the nice weather, I am grateful for the rain, I am grateful for the moon, I am grateful for the stars in the sky ---and keep going.

Or another suggestion-- is there a place where you like their sodas? We have a McDonald's near us and their Diet Dr. Pepper is so good and driving there and getting one (for one dollar) and then going to the park and watching the ducks is just great--people pass those ducks and they quack in a way that sounds like they are laughing and sometimes I have broken out in laughter myself at the ducks laughing at people--and when you get 50 ducks that are all "laughing," I'm laughing too. Here's a video of laughing ducks so I'm not the only one that has seen "laughing ducks."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbDkwbWuf1Q

Hi Somer, I feel your pain. Your wife did exactly what mine did, let everything build up while letting you think things were OK. My ex spent years detaching herself from me before telling me. I can tell you it's hard for you to do the same since you are the one being rejected. Moving out is a positive step for you. Once you are in your own place, you'll be free to begin healing and letting go. Therapy might help, but also surrounding yourself with family and friends, or some kind of support system. You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself and your kids. Whatever your soon to be ex is doing now, let her do it. She's choosing her path, and as much as it hurts, there is nothing you can do to bring her back. If she can't be open and honest with you, then she doesn't deserve to have a place in your life, other than being the mother of your children. Hopefully, you both will be able put aside whatever animosity and hurt there is between the two of you, as hard as that may be initially, to make the transition as smooth for the kids as possible. Good luck.

If you are still legally married, and divorce papers have not been filed, her having an affair would make a difference in the divorce. Of course you would need proof but I suggest you contact an attorney.
I'm sorry you are going through this but your wife has emotionally divorced you already. She may have moved on long ago. Your best course of action would be to begin letting it go. It will be hard, but it's better sooner than later.
Do see an attorney however even if you don't retain one. You need true legal advice.

Man I know the feeling. It is very painful. It's so hard to believe this is the person who once loved you. I hope your pain ends soon. My pain is just as agonizing. I just keep praying for now.

I'm right there with you... We separated then 15 months later tried to reconcile which also failed when she decided she had had it. Week later, new boyfriend... I have 3 1/2 months to go until my divorce is final and she can fall off the face of the earth for all I care. We have to move on because they've left us in the dirt. As much as it hurts, we don't matter to them anymore.

I guess I am accepting the fact that she has moved on. Yesterday, while I was coaching my son's baseball team, she sent me a text that she was going out. When we got home she was already gone. I have no idea where she went and what time she got home. I wasn't too upset about it, (just a little upset). At least I got to sleep on the bed last nite.

I think it's time for you to accept that she has moved on and contact an attorney. I also think you need to consider asking her to leave the marital home. Sounds like she wants the best of everything: I can come and go as I please and you stay home and keep the kids and provide a roof over my head. Time to move her out of her comfort zone.

Sending healing hugs!

I agree, see a lawyer. It sounds like you are the primary caregiver for your kids, I think you mentioned in another post (could be wrong) you were worried she might go out and leave the kids alone, after you move out. Since you are the primary caregiver I think she should move out. I know it hurts, but you must accept (perhaps not like) she has moved on, so you must figure out how you can move on. Focus on being a great parent to your kids, tell yourself this is not the kind of relationship you want. Find things that will keep you busy, get a good support system, read books on separation and divorce and letting go. Please see a lawyer asap and figure out the custody of your kids and what's best for them. I

think it's horrible and really hard to be under the same roof, I know I'm living it too. We rarely communicate now and stay in separate rooms. He won't move out; he doesn't go out all night, but he's out of the house almost every day of the week. I can't wait for the day we're living apart. I am doing what I can to help me wrap my head around that this 23 year relationship is over, here's some of the things that are helping me:
1) I'm in counselling 2) I cry when I need to 3) I remind myself that this person is selfish, and all of the things that make him a lousy husband 4) I use this discussion group and I have some great friends supporting me 5) I have gotten legal advice 6) I'm reading a lot of books 7) I pray a lot 8) take long walks 9) I like to paint (doing something creative helps) 10) I talk to myself a lot (rationally, it's easy to get carried away with catastrophe thinking, so I remind myself to be sane and not get carried away) 11) journalling/writing helps and 12) I'm learning to set boundaries. Time does heal, and it will be easier to get on with that process when you don't have to see/live with them anymore. You may find there is a shift in your relationship and how she treats you when you let go and show her you're moving on.