Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Today is 14 weeks since my last drink and also the 14 week anniversary of the last time I saw or spoke to my wife of 1 year and best friend and soul mate of 6 years.
I have faithfully done my treatment, attend AA and, am finally accepting of step 1 and moving on to steps 2 & 3 with the help of my sponsor.
The last few months have been hell, although during my active addiction, that was no cake walk either and I don't want to go through that again. But, I miss my wife and kids horribly and there seems to be no stopping the divorce, and I have no way of communicating with her.
I met her in the gym, it was a real storybook, and today I would have been going for a long run with her and enjoying the scenery and the solitude of our run together. We did everything together. Our family business went out of business at the end of '13 due to losing our biggest customer, my father passed in 2009 and my first divorce has been a never ending saga as well.
My final vice is smoking. It's crazy, because I am a gym rat. I started after doing an Ironman triathlon in 2009 when my father passed away. My wife smoked up until a year ago as well.
I want to think of it as removing a negative and replacing it with a positive, which has been part of my strategy moving forward, although I still seem to hold out some hopeless thoughts of her coming back around. When I decide to date again, which is impossible to envision, I don't want to be a smoker either and I also am concerned about the damage done already and future consequences. I hate the way it controls me, the rancid smell, and all that comes with it. I know if my wife was with me right now, it would be so easy to accomplish because she was always a huge supporter of mine and my number one fan.
I have been telling people I intend to quit on Monday. But frankly, I'm still so haunted and stressed out over the devastation of losing my wife and the other legal mumbo jumbo that is going on in my life, the business, etc... that I am afraid I am setting myself up for failure. My old addiction counselor said "bad idea in the first year". But, I don't need another enabler in my life. I feel weak for not having at least tried at this point because it just doesn't make sense, hurts my running and other activities, and is so darn expensive, which I don't need right now. Thoughts? Good idea? Bad idea? It almost feels like I'm getting ready to lose another friend...
I have faithfully done my treatment, attend AA and, am finally accepting of step 1 and moving on to steps 2 & 3 with the help of my sponsor.
The last few months have been hell, although during my active addiction, that was no cake walk either and I don't want to go through that again. But, I miss my wife and kids horribly and there seems to be no stopping the divorce, and I have no way of communicating with her.
I met her in the gym, it was a real storybook, and today I would have been going for a long run with her and enjoying the scenery and the solitude of our run together. We did everything together. Our family business went out of business at the end of '13 due to losing our biggest customer, my father passed in 2009 and my first divorce has been a never ending saga as well.
My final vice is smoking. It's crazy, because I am a gym rat. I started after doing an Ironman triathlon in 2009 when my father passed away. My wife smoked up until a year ago as well.
I want to think of it as removing a negative and replacing it with a positive, which has been part of my strategy moving forward, although I still seem to hold out some hopeless thoughts of her coming back around. When I decide to date again, which is impossible to envision, I don't want to be a smoker either and I also am concerned about the damage done already and future consequences. I hate the way it controls me, the rancid smell, and all that comes with it. I know if my wife was with me right now, it would be so easy to accomplish because she was always a huge supporter of mine and my number one fan.
I have been telling people I intend to quit on Monday. But frankly, I'm still so haunted and stressed out over the devastation of losing my wife and the other legal mumbo jumbo that is going on in my life, the business, etc... that I am afraid I am setting myself up for failure. My old addiction counselor said "bad idea in the first year". But, I don't need another enabler in my life. I feel weak for not having at least tried at this point because it just doesn't make sense, hurts my running and other activities, and is so darn expensive, which I don't need right now. Thoughts? Good idea? Bad idea? It almost feels like I'm getting ready to lose another friend...
Now couple that with a tramatic even in your life such as a break up, and include other issues going on with maybe work, school, friends and on an on, one would certainly say, that is such a bad idea. I may say that as well cus we have seen people who have tried or like your counselor, may have been part to seeing even worse, medically, the damages it does mentally and can really be an overload for one already dealing with a crap load on issues on their plate already.
What I may do in a situation like this, where someone I care about is asking if they should quit right now but are dealing with the mound of crap you are, is to tell them they want to prepare themselves with alternatives to lighting up. Example: get a patch, chew that nasty gum and so on. One thing I may suggest would also be to get one of those usb mini hooka things. While the main thing in the addiction to smoking is the habit and the nicotine, you can get flavors that have certain that are made with certain strengths of nicotine in them. You can start with that and the lower the amount of nicotine as time goes on. They even have flavors with no nicotine in it so if you do like to continue the habit of the motion of smoking, then you can continue on without harming yourself with taking in the Nicene.
We all want to believe we have the will and strength or should have the will and strength to do the things we need to in order to take care of ourselves. Sure having someone in your corner, supporting you helps, but some people, such as yourself, do not have that option at the moment. So while you think you can and should be strong enough to do this, there are times where we find we jsut aren't strong enough, and thats Ok. What matters is that if you really are working towards something, that when you have the energy and minset that you take the steps needed to get there, whether they are baby steps or huge steps. It doesn't matter, do what you can with what you have. You are your greatest critic, so give yourself a break for a moment and know you are doing what you can and you will do this as you are able to as well.
stay strong.
If you do make this positive decision, post your progress HERE. You'd have 50 GREAT supporters, excited and positive about every step forward you make.
But, nobody held a gun to my head, whether it was tipping one back, or lighting up. I'm just don't want to bite off more than I can choose, because I NEED to take care of myself in order of priority. My alcoholism and emotional recovery probably take precedent over the smokes, but, the smokes are a crutch too, which is one reason why I want to quit. So, I don't blame anybody for my smoking, just like I don't blame anybody for my drinking. I'm just looking to move forward and continue my recovery in all facets of my life, smoking being another one of those things...
I quit smoking almost 2 years ago (22 months) after a 20+ year addiction to nicotine and a few other addictions.
It is not an easy thing to do....but it is doable.
I use to make all kinds of excuses and promises to quit smoking.
"Oh...I'll quit when.....
*the divorce is final
*when I finish school
*when I get settled in to my house
and the list goes on and on.
It is never a good time to quit as life is full of stress and being on the go. I made excuses for 2 years before I finally quit.
I went to the doctor and asked for help. She gave me wellbutrin reluctantly becuz of my addictive behavior and past. I was on it 3 days when I had such a reaction....I ended up in the ER thinking I was stroking or having a heart attack....turned out to be anxiety. I threw away the meds and went cold turkey and threw all smoking stuff away as well.
The best thing I did was joining the smoking addiction and recovery group. I took my recovery into my own hands. I made a plan...got tons of ideas to help me quit and stay quit. There are several in the group who have had to start over several times, but are finally quit for a long period of time now. We just take it one day at a time (sometimes just a few minutes at a time).
It is the best decision and my final addiction to leave. I know it is hard and it can be scary to quit, but it is so worth it. I am no longer a slave to Mr. Nicodemon.
You have to do what is good for you and it will only work if you truly want it.
I wish you the best and hope to see you on the boards over at smoking addiction and recovery group. Nice bunch of peeps :)
One may think that under your current circumstances, it may not be the best time. Frankly, as a smoker....we always find excuses for it not to be a good time to quit.
Perhaps it's a GOOD time to quit ....while you are going through these life changes.
With your situation, I'd say it was forgivable if you were still making excuses about smoking or if you were still in denial that quitting was the right thing to do.
The fact that you've identified it as a problem makes me think that you're ready to start the quitting process. You're not in denial. You're not defending it. Your question is essentially, "I've shown a ton of strength so far. There can't be that much more left. It'd be crazy to keep trying to better myself when it's not absolutely necessary, right?"
My answer is no. I think you are ready to quit. I think if you don't at least try, you might find yourself through AA down the line, with a wonderful life full of hope, but still clinging to this terrible addiction from when you were at rock bottom. I think you should try. :)
If you try and fail, THAT IS OK and you can take on the task of forgiving yourself. Hopefully you will have become very good at it by then; you're working so hard and you truly deserve your own forgiveness. If you succeed, you will just have one more accomplishment to add to your list and to remember in times of doubt.
I have been a smoker for 30 years now. Sometimes I can't believe how quickly those years flew by. I remember wanting to see what it was like to smoke and by the time I learned how to do it I was hooked. I recently switched to a vapor pen and it's been almost 3 weeks since I've smoked a real cigarette. I still get the nicotine but none of the other garbage that's in cigarettes and none of the withdrawal either. It's much cleaner and believe it or not, it evens tastes better. The e-juice, as they call it, comes in different favors and different strengths of nicotine. That is one option. Another option is to try Chantix. I've tried it in the past and it worked wonderfully...it completely removed any urge to smoke. It unfortunately comes with many potential side effects, one of which I've suffered so I had to quit using it. If they could reformulate that medication and remove all side effects I would go back to using it. It can be expensive but many insurance plans do cover it in their policies.
In the past I had occasion to work on detox units and it was never advisable to quit smoking when you're trying to kick another habit, whether it is alcohol or other drugs. Of course it is ideal to quit all habits at the same time but that is much easier said than done. Unless you've been there you don't know how stressful, not to mention difficult, it is to quit everything at once.