Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am not sure if some of you have read my Journal, but overall here is my story. I have been replaying everything in my head...and sometimes I cant find an answer of why this happened. I am completely honest here with my story, so please, I want you to be truthful, but not hurtful please.
My Story
I thought we were happily married. I was the happiest girl in the world. He was sweet, attentive and overall kind. At the end of January, the nightmare began. I got an email from a woman saying that he has been having an affair with her for the past 3 years. That night was hell. He came home, we fought, cried, fell asleep at 7 am. What he confessed was that he met a girl BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, it was just a platonic friendship. He said nothing ever happened. I asked him how come he never told her he was married if it was just a friendship, and he said he doesnt know why...he even confessed he has only seen her twice after we got married and that on those days he took off the wedding ring...
Sounds crazy right?...
Soooo I forgave him, splitting up didnt cross my mind, i believed him and I knew he made a mistake.
Sadly I couldnt leave things alone, I cried myself to sleep just thinking about what they did together. It was hard for him, but in all honesty I only had a bout 1 month to deal with this sadness.
Sure enough he was tired of making me feel better and said that if i dont forgive him, to let him know so that he could leave. He didnt want to be with me if i was not willing to forgive him. I understood his point...but I was pressured to say..yes i forgive you. There was one night where i was crying, having some wine and he came into the room and laughed and said i was ridioulous. The anger took over me and i got up and slapped him. I know i shouldnt have but I felt like my feeling to him were a joke.
I became very insecure, I admit it...but he didnt care. He would go out till 5 or 6 in the morning and tell me that he doesnt need to tell me where he is. That he is tired of having to report to me. I was so hurt.
One night we got into a huge fight and he became so aggressive, verbally and started threatening me. He would follow me everywhere i went. I went to the kitchen and I grabbed a knife and told him "Leave me the **** alone" he walked away.
The next day he woke up and told me that i was an abuser, that he no longer knew if he wanted to be with me. he told me that from that point on, he would no longer focus on my feelings. He wanted to focus on himself. He was tired of worrying about my feelings.
This is where the nightmare began. He told me he needed his space. He didnt want any of us to moveout but just wanted space for himself. I wasnt sure what this meant. But i agreed. I would come home evryday, tell him i loved him, and he would tell me he didnt want to talk, he just wanted to be alone. He didnt even want me to ask him about his day.
I did this for 3 months. I was just another piece of furniture. I would come home and just hide in the room. The times that i did talk, i would cry and tell him that i loved him and that i was so sorry for what i had done. That i wanted to show him that i loved him. He said he didnt care, that i could show him i loved him by leaving him alone. Since april we did nothing together, no dinner, no movie, he just began to completely ignore me.
He began to tell me that he doesnt think he could forgive me, therefor he doesnt want to be with me. I begged and begged and told him I could change.
Around that time the girl emailed me again and told me that if i was still with him, and that if i was, I was a pitiful woman. You can imagine how much this hurt. I cried and told him and he told me that he was sorry but he didint care to make me feel better anymore. I sucked up my feelings forgot about my feelings and focused on him.
He began to treat me like garbage. Telling me i was a sad individual, how can i not see when someone doesnt want to be with me. He began to call me pitiful.
I know i was acting pitiful. He clearly told me he didnt want to be with me..but deep down i felt like he still cared, like he still loved me. I thought that with love and patience I would be able to fix things, but i was wrong.
Things began to get worse. His words get worse and worse.
Calling me a pitiful b****
A low life
Sad Person
He would constantly threaten to leave me. And i would do anything to keep him.
We even got to a point that he would tell me..."Ok, if you shut your mouth and go in the room, i wont leave.
I wasnt even allowed to cry in the room. If he would hear me cry he would tell me to shut up.
The day he left i kissed him and told him i loved him and that i hope to see him later. I had a feeling he would leave but i told him to wait so we could talk and just end things civilly. he swore he wouldnt.
I was at work and got a text that said "sorry"...and this is where the nightmare began.
I have lost all dignity of who I am with this man.
My Story
I thought we were happily married. I was the happiest girl in the world. He was sweet, attentive and overall kind. At the end of January, the nightmare began. I got an email from a woman saying that he has been having an affair with her for the past 3 years. That night was hell. He came home, we fought, cried, fell asleep at 7 am. What he confessed was that he met a girl BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, it was just a platonic friendship. He said nothing ever happened. I asked him how come he never told her he was married if it was just a friendship, and he said he doesnt know why...he even confessed he has only seen her twice after we got married and that on those days he took off the wedding ring...
Sounds crazy right?...
Soooo I forgave him, splitting up didnt cross my mind, i believed him and I knew he made a mistake.
Sadly I couldnt leave things alone, I cried myself to sleep just thinking about what they did together. It was hard for him, but in all honesty I only had a bout 1 month to deal with this sadness.
Sure enough he was tired of making me feel better and said that if i dont forgive him, to let him know so that he could leave. He didnt want to be with me if i was not willing to forgive him. I understood his point...but I was pressured to say..yes i forgive you. There was one night where i was crying, having some wine and he came into the room and laughed and said i was ridioulous. The anger took over me and i got up and slapped him. I know i shouldnt have but I felt like my feeling to him were a joke.
I became very insecure, I admit it...but he didnt care. He would go out till 5 or 6 in the morning and tell me that he doesnt need to tell me where he is. That he is tired of having to report to me. I was so hurt.
One night we got into a huge fight and he became so aggressive, verbally and started threatening me. He would follow me everywhere i went. I went to the kitchen and I grabbed a knife and told him "Leave me the **** alone" he walked away.
The next day he woke up and told me that i was an abuser, that he no longer knew if he wanted to be with me. he told me that from that point on, he would no longer focus on my feelings. He wanted to focus on himself. He was tired of worrying about my feelings.
This is where the nightmare began. He told me he needed his space. He didnt want any of us to moveout but just wanted space for himself. I wasnt sure what this meant. But i agreed. I would come home evryday, tell him i loved him, and he would tell me he didnt want to talk, he just wanted to be alone. He didnt even want me to ask him about his day.
I did this for 3 months. I was just another piece of furniture. I would come home and just hide in the room. The times that i did talk, i would cry and tell him that i loved him and that i was so sorry for what i had done. That i wanted to show him that i loved him. He said he didnt care, that i could show him i loved him by leaving him alone. Since april we did nothing together, no dinner, no movie, he just began to completely ignore me.
He began to tell me that he doesnt think he could forgive me, therefor he doesnt want to be with me. I begged and begged and told him I could change.
Around that time the girl emailed me again and told me that if i was still with him, and that if i was, I was a pitiful woman. You can imagine how much this hurt. I cried and told him and he told me that he was sorry but he didint care to make me feel better anymore. I sucked up my feelings forgot about my feelings and focused on him.
He began to treat me like garbage. Telling me i was a sad individual, how can i not see when someone doesnt want to be with me. He began to call me pitiful.
I know i was acting pitiful. He clearly told me he didnt want to be with me..but deep down i felt like he still cared, like he still loved me. I thought that with love and patience I would be able to fix things, but i was wrong.
Things began to get worse. His words get worse and worse.
Calling me a pitiful b****
A low life
Sad Person
He would constantly threaten to leave me. And i would do anything to keep him.
We even got to a point that he would tell me..."Ok, if you shut your mouth and go in the room, i wont leave.
I wasnt even allowed to cry in the room. If he would hear me cry he would tell me to shut up.
The day he left i kissed him and told him i loved him and that i hope to see him later. I had a feeling he would leave but i told him to wait so we could talk and just end things civilly. he swore he wouldnt.
I was at work and got a text that said "sorry"...and this is where the nightmare began.
I have lost all dignity of who I am with this man.
But it totally sounds to me like he cheated. Who is this girl? I bet she was telling you because she wanted you to leave him so she could try to have him all to herself. You might want to check out the infidelity section of DS if you haven't already.
Hearing your story makes me remember when my own story began. I felt like I was in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from and it didn't seem like it could possibly be real. How could the person who I had thought was the 'best person I'd ever met' for so long have possibly betrayed me? How could the husband I'd adored have just disappeared and been replaced by a selfish jerk I didn't recognize? It was completely unfathomable and I felt like I was insane. I questioned everything; what did I do? Did he ever really love me? Did I imagine we had a good relationship? Was I crazy? Was it my fault?
What I learned throughout all of this was that NO, I was not crazy! I was half of a relationship that I KNOW was good at one time. I did NOT do anything to deserve what he did. It was NOT my fault. He was the one who had changed, not me. I started reading every book I could get my hands on about infidelity and realized very quickly that every single person who gets caught up in that trap reacts pretty much exactly the same way. They get lost in the 'fog' and start acting as though they are a completely different person. The changes are absolutely astounding. It's like they're on drugs.
Despite how crazy he was seeming, I still tried to reach him, but nothing would touch him. It was as though he was truly a different person who didn't care about me at all. It was the biggest nightmare and frustration of my life. I think he subconsciously put up a block in his mind and brainwashed himself to believe he couldn't stand me and was in a terrible relationship in order to justify in his mind what he was doing. He had been considered such a great guy his entire life, and I don't think he could face the reality of what he had done. The way he was acting towards me was self-preservation; I think they all do that.
Your husband very much sounds like he is in this same insanity. The best thing for you to do, and yes, I know it's easier said than done, is to take care of you. Find a counselor you feel comfortable with, lean on your friends and family, start a journal so you can start processing your feelings, talk to people, be gentle with yourself. Those are all the things that helped me to survive that trauma and now I can honestly say that I am a better person because of it. Take it one day at a time and try not to think about how it may take years to recover. You will learn throughout this process that you have a strength you never knew you had. Just believe that you did not deserve this and that you deserve to come out on the other side, and I promise that you will.
I know that may be hard to believe based on where you are now, but that is why I wanted to share my story with you. The first year after this happened, I hit a rock bottom I never knew was possible. I lost a ton of weight and looked like a skeleton, I almost failed out of school, and I felt like an empty shell of a person. Now my life has come full circle and I am serious when I tell you I am stronger and better because of it. You will get there, just have faith in yourself and take care of you!
Also, I just wanted to recommend you don't try to hold anything back. When you need to cry, do it. You have to allow yourself to process those emotions and get rid of all the toxins that build up. Every time you allow yourself to cry until you can't cry anymore, you are one tiny step closer to healing all the hurt that has been dumped on your life. One day you won't need to cry so much, but right now you do and if you let yourself, over time it will help.
Jgarc, I am really sorry. I thought my STBX was bad but yours takes the cake. It's such a shock to the system when they turn on us and treat us as though we've done something to deserve the shoddy treatment they dole out. Everyone keeps telling me that his actions say more about him that about me and I believe that to be true. This is not about you, this is about him. I know how hard this is for you. Hang in there. I'm sure we'll get through this together.
Be strong.
I dont know what I feel anymore. I miss being cared for and it truly hurts. It isnt fair that I have one failed marriage even though I worked so hard on saving it. I believed he would never hurt me...how can someone live in peace knowing they have hurt someone tremendously?
Probably none of us have any doubt but talk with the woman who called if you do.
You cannot use violence even if he is cheating because you will get into serious trouble.
You need to bolster your self-esteem and leaving or asking him to leave may be your first step.
Living with a cheater is very hard, but the first step is having him acknowledge what he did and provide you with reliable methods of monitoring his behavior to restore trust, neither of which he has any intention of doing. .