Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Many of you may know my situation. My wife asked for a divorce and we are going through mediation for this cooperatively. We are trying to be civil to minimize the impact to our three minor children. The key word here is civil. 90% of the time we are actually pulling it off as friends, but that other 10% of the time is hard.
I have a question about Alimony.
Now, let me preface this by saying that I'm not trying to cheat my STBX out of anything and I certainly don't want to hurt my three children. The plan that I'm about to discuss with you that my STBX and I have are designed to minimize any negative impact on the children. On the other hand, I don't want to find myself living in an apartment so that she can live in a huge home in luxury.
We currently live in a 4000 sq foot house that, honestly, is too expensive for us. I'm working and making a good salary and she has been not working for 10+ years. She just started teaching as a substitute teacher. I'm trying to help her get her career restarted in teaching. If she gets picked up full time she might be able to look at a salary somewhere around $50K to $60K. My salary is $130K.
We are currently fixing up our home for sale. Once sold, we have discussed finding a smaller, and more affordable, house together. I would then move in with the family temporarily to help everything get settled and help the kids adjust. After a few months, I would begin my own home search and eventually move out.
Back to the question of alimony. It seems that Alimony is awarded based on the difference in salaries between the two parties and the standard of living. We are planning a mediation for the divorce and I know that means you can negotiate any type of alimony you want. However, I'm also thinking about what could happen if mediation fails.
It occurs to me that helping her get her career get started could help with alimony because she will have an established salary. If we split right away, her current income is zero. Also, by settling into a more affordable home, it establishes that as the new standard of living. Or am I wrong??? If we had a more affordable home then the standard of living cost would be lower, which would mean less alimony required.
Is this correct?
As I said, I'm not trying to cheat anyone out of anything. Both of us are trying to do what's best for our children and our first appointment with the mediation attorney is next week. However, I'm just trying to have a full understanding of how the alimony situation works.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
I have a question about Alimony.
Now, let me preface this by saying that I'm not trying to cheat my STBX out of anything and I certainly don't want to hurt my three children. The plan that I'm about to discuss with you that my STBX and I have are designed to minimize any negative impact on the children. On the other hand, I don't want to find myself living in an apartment so that she can live in a huge home in luxury.
We currently live in a 4000 sq foot house that, honestly, is too expensive for us. I'm working and making a good salary and she has been not working for 10+ years. She just started teaching as a substitute teacher. I'm trying to help her get her career restarted in teaching. If she gets picked up full time she might be able to look at a salary somewhere around $50K to $60K. My salary is $130K.
We are currently fixing up our home for sale. Once sold, we have discussed finding a smaller, and more affordable, house together. I would then move in with the family temporarily to help everything get settled and help the kids adjust. After a few months, I would begin my own home search and eventually move out.
Back to the question of alimony. It seems that Alimony is awarded based on the difference in salaries between the two parties and the standard of living. We are planning a mediation for the divorce and I know that means you can negotiate any type of alimony you want. However, I'm also thinking about what could happen if mediation fails.
It occurs to me that helping her get her career get started could help with alimony because she will have an established salary. If we split right away, her current income is zero. Also, by settling into a more affordable home, it establishes that as the new standard of living. Or am I wrong??? If we had a more affordable home then the standard of living cost would be lower, which would mean less alimony required.
Is this correct?
As I said, I'm not trying to cheat anyone out of anything. Both of us are trying to do what's best for our children and our first appointment with the mediation attorney is next week. However, I'm just trying to have a full understanding of how the alimony situation works.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
you need a lawyer to help sort out your rights, My brother was divorced in CA, his wife of 20+ years gets alimony for LIFE from being unemployed through the entire marriage - of course unless she gets a job, or marries.. but until then she's soaking up every penny from my brother.
I got divorced in OR, 14 year relationship/marriage, we both worked the entire time - but I also get alimony - simply because it split our assets equally and allowed us both to move into our own homes and he had an obligation to keep me living a life I'd grown accustom too (that's stated in the laws..)
it wasn't a 'screw you ex I'm taking you to the cleaners' - it was simply he made more, and in order to move on into my new life, he needed to supplement. And like you, he agreed without blinking an eyelash (of course he also couldn't wait to run off with his new girlfriend, and just wanted this divorce over) now 18 months later he's blowing up my phone wanting to renegotiate.. as stated in our decree, he has to pay me for 5 years.
another reason to TALK WITH A LAWYER.. once those papers are signed, its DONE.. no renegotiation, in my case it worked out to my benefit that my ex was so short minded about his finances.. but you need to think of YOUR future, and where YOU see yourself in years to come..
there isn't a calculator for Alimony.. like there is for Child support - we figured ours out by breaking down our family income into 2 separate household budgets.. that's a good start right there. How much does she NEED to live, and get her own place.. vs how much does she WANT..
the easiest answer is - consult a lawyer, you have rights
(EXH makes $130K, I was a SAHM for 16 years. We went through the courts but had a court-appointed mediator to work out the details.)
I have full custody of the children, and I will be getting child support on their behalf. There's no arguing or changing this, it's just the law.
As far as alimony, we decided on a tiered approach, which I actually think is very fair. I have started my career but require a few more years of gaining education and experience before I will be able to earn enough to support myself. So for the first few years while I am in school I will get alimony that I can live on, then it steps down for 2 years while I transition to being self-supporting, then it drops significantly to a very small amount designed only to keep our standards of living somewhat in the same arena.
There's aren't our actual numbers, but they're similar:
First 4 years: $2750/month
Next 2 years: $1500/month
After that: $500/month
Does that make sense?
I actually think this is a very fair solution. It allows me to transition to working when I have never held a job, but includes motivation to better my position and doesn't unfairly cost XH.
In my state, mediation is required as part of the divorce process. Only if mediation fails do you go to trial. I found mediation to be interesting and a good way of handling things. There were no rules to what we could decide, we just had to come to an agreement.
But, when I was in your place, I was desparate for other's stories. So here is mine.
Like MNN, my ex walked out on me for OW so he was highly motivated to "get-it-done".
I have a fairly good income, he had been a SAHD for the previous 7 yrs (although we was a disgrace to the calling).
Joint custody, but I have primary residence of kids so he technically owes me child support... but he doesn't make anything... so I don't pursue it. (it is 20 months out and he still hasn't gotten a job) I pay all kids stuff.
I am paying him spousal support (alimony) for 3 years. 1616 every two weeks. That was supposed to get him on his feet, retrained... whatever. Again, 20 months in and he has wasted it so far...
All assets were split in half except 2 (I paid him out for half the house)
- he agreed to only take 10 percent of my pension
- I didn't insist he reveal all the money he had squirrel away over the past year. In retrospect it must have been at least 20K
I think I got away super luck to get his no moral, narcissistic, lazy, cheating butt out of my life. I'm afraid it is too good... when those 3 years are up, he'll come looking for more. I'm counting on that legal paperwork... my kicker is that we aren't yet divorced, just legally separated. Usually, where I live (I'm told), the separation agreement rolls into the divorce agreement... but am worried.
From this feedback, and some research, it feels like I will be paying around 40% of my monthly income to her.
So, I have a stupid question. Alimony is a tax deduction right? It essentially lowers your income. Can you pay for it with pre-tax dollars?
It's worth noting that child support is NOT taxable income. But alimony is.
Yes, my XH is paying about 40% of his take-home currently, between the spousal maintenance and the child support. But it's 1) not much different than when we lived together and he had to pay costs related to the kids, and 2) only for a couple of years. It's very, very unlikely, I'd say almost impossible, to last much more than that. Even older couples where one has stayed at home for 30 years don't usually pay alimony for more than a handful.
Where I am, if my ex had fought me and we had to resort to the "tables", given how long he was at home (7 yrs) and how long we were married (14 yrs), the tables had me paying 40 percent for 7-14 yrs. Yes, that's right 7-14 years.
Ex had to sign a paper saying he know this and agreed to 3 anyway.
At the end of it all (all signed), I asked my lawyer whether she thought I got a good deal. She gave me a calm "yes". I asked her "if it had been flipped, what would you have pushed for?". She paused, and slowly said - "you would be paying spousal indefinitely".
The best advice I got was
- listen to your lawyer.
- my lawyer told me - don't offer, make him ask.
The best thing I did ---. at the very beginning I wrote down the most important things I wanted to achieve in the agreement.
- I wanted decision-making power over the kids.
- I wanted a clear timeline to be done with spousal support (clarity was more impt than amount)
- I wanted to maintain civility for the sake of our next 10 yrs as "co-parents"
I read that piece of paper before every meeting with my ex and lawyers. It kept me very focused on where to stand firm and where to give way. I was in so much grief that I would have just offered everything. But, stuck by my lawyer's advice. I never "offered" anything, just blinked at him from across the table and asserted what I wanted. If he asked... I considered based on my criteria.
Worked well for me.
My spousal support will end in two years from now, and I was married for over 10 years.
I hope it goes like this for you because the child support calculator will likely give a lower amount than likely what she would want.
You should contact an attorney to go over your final decisions, and to ask any questions that you may have, and to come up with a long term strategy. Don't just pay her spousal support forever!