Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone. I will need an advice from this community and hopefully get some peace of mind from your responses.
I met this guy 3 years ago and we really hit it off. We're completely opposite from each other - I'm more of a sharing type of person and he's more of "independent". We've traveled together, organized charities and kept in touch even though we live 7 time zones away. This past Holiday, he invited me over to his country and introduced me to his family and friends.
The confusing part is this, he kept saying I am his best friend and well, we didn't really started off as friends ( let's just say it was more than that). But I guess because of the distance, and our previous serious relationships were also LDR ( his 5 years and mine was 7 years ) we are both scared of committing and all but here we are, planning and making things happen. We slept together once and had close sexual encounters afterwards but never really got on with it, probably because of things left unsaid. For some reason I feel that he's avoiding it on his end. Whenever we talk about this, he often admits that we are more than just friends but last month, he told me that he just don't think he wants to be in a relationship because he feels like it will hold him back. I have my emotional baggage too and yet here we are, so involved in each other's life, making things happen and arguing and fighting like a married couple.
Lately, I am frustrated with how we fail to really see each other eye to eye and dissatisfied how stuck this relationship is. He thinks we can work out our differences and overcome it. Shouldn't that be a couple thing ?..because I never had a best friend whom I have to "work things out" ever, it was always smooth and you know -- fun!
I feel that I am missing out on a real relationship that I maybe having with someone else. I feel that he needs me around because I can make things happen for him. We're really good partners and when we work together on our travels and charity projects, they are always a success.I am flattered on how he flaunted me to his family and friends and learned that he spoke highly of me and yet, he seem to be unable to commit.
I learned a few weeks ago that he suffers from depression and he never told me about this until I confronted him of his behavior. He also admitted that he has very low self esteem and struggling working on it. Somehow I felt relieved that his mood swings were not because I did something wrong but his inability to handle what he feels. It's a painful thing, especially for me who have never experienced this drain before. I love him and I feel his deep love as well -- but I want to have a man who wants me and wants to be with me not just because they need me. I feel that if he sees me as a best friend regardless of knowing the fact that we're more than that, he's just keeping me around because he needs me to have some sort of achievement in his life because of the things we do together.
I don't know if my expectations are just too much or we're just both emotionally unavailable. I am torn because I know we both love each other deeply and we create amazing things together...but I want more, I want a commitment, romance and security in the relationship. I feel like walking away from this because it felt like I am not getting what I need. Am I asking too much? Am I just over analyzing or do I need to do something else? I feel like I am settling on this and yet I am not sure how to begin walking away from it. I'd love him to be that person to be with me but if he doesn't see it that way, I don't know any reason why I should settle.
Am I the problem in this case?
Thank you in advance to your answers.
- Soul
I met this guy 3 years ago and we really hit it off. We're completely opposite from each other - I'm more of a sharing type of person and he's more of "independent". We've traveled together, organized charities and kept in touch even though we live 7 time zones away. This past Holiday, he invited me over to his country and introduced me to his family and friends.
The confusing part is this, he kept saying I am his best friend and well, we didn't really started off as friends ( let's just say it was more than that). But I guess because of the distance, and our previous serious relationships were also LDR ( his 5 years and mine was 7 years ) we are both scared of committing and all but here we are, planning and making things happen. We slept together once and had close sexual encounters afterwards but never really got on with it, probably because of things left unsaid. For some reason I feel that he's avoiding it on his end. Whenever we talk about this, he often admits that we are more than just friends but last month, he told me that he just don't think he wants to be in a relationship because he feels like it will hold him back. I have my emotional baggage too and yet here we are, so involved in each other's life, making things happen and arguing and fighting like a married couple.
Lately, I am frustrated with how we fail to really see each other eye to eye and dissatisfied how stuck this relationship is. He thinks we can work out our differences and overcome it. Shouldn't that be a couple thing ?..because I never had a best friend whom I have to "work things out" ever, it was always smooth and you know -- fun!
I feel that I am missing out on a real relationship that I maybe having with someone else. I feel that he needs me around because I can make things happen for him. We're really good partners and when we work together on our travels and charity projects, they are always a success.I am flattered on how he flaunted me to his family and friends and learned that he spoke highly of me and yet, he seem to be unable to commit.
I learned a few weeks ago that he suffers from depression and he never told me about this until I confronted him of his behavior. He also admitted that he has very low self esteem and struggling working on it. Somehow I felt relieved that his mood swings were not because I did something wrong but his inability to handle what he feels. It's a painful thing, especially for me who have never experienced this drain before. I love him and I feel his deep love as well -- but I want to have a man who wants me and wants to be with me not just because they need me. I feel that if he sees me as a best friend regardless of knowing the fact that we're more than that, he's just keeping me around because he needs me to have some sort of achievement in his life because of the things we do together.
I don't know if my expectations are just too much or we're just both emotionally unavailable. I am torn because I know we both love each other deeply and we create amazing things together...but I want more, I want a commitment, romance and security in the relationship. I feel like walking away from this because it felt like I am not getting what I need. Am I asking too much? Am I just over analyzing or do I need to do something else? I feel like I am settling on this and yet I am not sure how to begin walking away from it. I'd love him to be that person to be with me but if he doesn't see it that way, I don't know any reason why I should settle.
Am I the problem in this case?
Thank you in advance to your answers.
- Soul
I never once saw where you talked about having fun with this guy. It seemed mostly serious stuff. I think we all need fun in a relationship. We all usually follow our gut, because it is never wrong.
I think you deserve someone that can make you happy and someone to laugh with.
I wish you the best of luck
You said "last month, he told me that he just don't think he wants to be in a relationship because he feels like it will hold him back." That was undoubted and for sure him showing you the door---take it and run.
Thank you so much for your inputs. It's true I need validation and support on this one. In my first relationship, I was the one who pulled the plug and that struck me with a lot of guilt and anger. This time I am being held back by 'friendship" and well, we did have a lot of fun but lately it's like walking on eggshells with him. I feel that if I continue this with him, I'll lose my energy and I'd fall into that depression pit.
This is the first step for me and your inputs meant a lot, it makes me feel that I am doing the right thing for me.