Well, look at it this way. Your dealing with a kind of sickness, a bacterial infection called your STBX. If you had strep throat and needed an antibiotic temporarily to over come the infection, you would do it, right? If you had cancer and needed the chemo to over come the disease, you would do it, right? Think of your STBX as strep throat or cancer and the meds to help lift your spirit as chemo or an antibiotic. To me it's really no different.

Stepping, I felt the same way! I am someone who doesn't even like taking aspirin for a headache. At the encouragement of a good friend I finally went to my family doctor and told him what was going on and that I was scared I might need meds to get through it. He reassured me that the emotional turmoil I was feeling was completely normal. He told me that the meds would just be temporary until my emotions evened out and the chemical imbalance in my brain went back to normal. He even made sure that my medical history noted that I was being treated for a chemical imbalance due to a life altering event. Nothing in my medical file states depression.

I was placed on the meds in August 2013 and weened off that same December. It helped tremendously! I was able to focus on work and every day life again. It helped me with my constant obsessive thoughts.

I think it is definitely worth discussing with your doctor and go in with the mindset that it is only temporary.

There's no shame in going to therapy. INHO, its a sign of strength. We all need help at one time or another. A therapist can provide us w/tools that will help the grief and healing process.

Meds are one of those tools. Please see a psych MD for the meds. IMHO too many GPs are prescribing anti-d's and not following thru w/their patients. The original idea behind anti-d's was to help us get back on an even keel so we can address and feel our feelings. Now, in many cases, they hand them out like candy w/o really understanding how they can end up dumbing us down.

Meds are an individual choice, but I do have one suggestion. If you decide to take meds, please make sure the dosage doesn't dumb you down. Everyone reacts to meds differently and if the dose is too high, then it limits one's ability to feel and process the normal grief that comes w/the divorce (or other losses).

You are grieving and that is a process. In order to heal we must go thru the pain to get past the pain. But we don't have to suffer to heal. There's a difference between feeling our feelings and suffering. But the more we put off feeling our feelings, the more they get stuffed. At some point that 'stuffing' is going to implode and that usually equals depression. Many people in the grieving process are dx'd with depression (especially by general MDs), when actually they are just grieving.

The grief process is not linear. And it doesn't necessarily follow the typically reported stages. More than likely it will zig zag, go sideways, go in circles, and feel like you're taking a step forward and two back. But you never go back as far as where you were when you started. Many people go thru more than one stage at a time. Some repeat stages. Some skip stages. Many repeat stages. And others don't go thru the stages in order. Whatever happens is what is right for you.

Honoring and feeling your feelings WITHOUT judgment when they arise is the best way to heal. And having a good therapist to guide you thru the process can be very helpful. You might also want to check out grief groups in your area as well as a divorce recovery group called Rebuilding (www.rebuilding.org).

A couple of things I found helpful during my grief process were

1. writing a goodbye letter. (I wrote several of them.) In that letter you tell the stbx/ex what you will and won't miss about them. But do NOT send it. Instead burn it or rip it to shreds and send it up in a balloon or bury it in the ground. You can even create a good bye ceremony around it.

2. journaling or free writing on a daily basis allows us to let our feelings out.

3. Practice daily gratitude. Work up to finding at least 10 things a day for which you are grateful. It WILL change your outlook on life. In his book, The Way to Love, Anthony DeMello said (paraphrasing) the reason we are unhappy is because we are focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do have. If we stay in the now, we discover we have everything we need in that moment. :-) It was hard to put in to practice and ever harder to believe, but it actually works.

There are other tools as well, but these are things you can do right now. :-)

~healing hugs~

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am seriously considering the med thing. Maybe I'll see how the next few days/week go, and if I am still struggling as much as I did over the past 4 days, I may take the plunge.

MyTrueColors, something you said triggered a thought I had a little while back:

"If you decide to take meds, please make sure the dosage doesn't dumb you down. Everyone reacts to meds differently and if the dose is too high, then it limits one's ability to feel and process the normal grief that comes w/the divorce (or other losses)."

While I was going through marriage counseling with stbx, she had just started taking lexapro. She said it was really helping and her mood certainly seemed very "up" just about all the time, while I was suffering greatly (of course, she was checked out of the marriage and cheating, so there's that also). But I did wonder whether the medication was artifically masking any pain or grief she might have over losing me and the destruction of our marriage - and whether that was a negative factor in our counseling attempt.

In one of our final counseling sessions she said she had never felt better in her life. That sure felt great to hear while I was suffering through the worst time of my life! And again I wondered how much of it could be the medication. She gets strong reactions from medications, such that I routinely take about twice of whatever the med is than she does for the same effect.

Since I am hesitant to take the meds to begin with, I will certainly err on the lower-dosage side if/when I begin.

Oh, there is one other factor at play here.

stbx is a doctor and *may* (not sure) have access to my medical records; we picked my general practitioner in part because he is part of the health network she works for, so she could look into things for me.

I realize it is a violation of HIPAA law for her to look at my records, but I still think she would do it. She has done it before in certain cases - looking up info on other people.

So she might see me being on meds and that might feed her power trip. I know I shouldn't really care about her in any way, shape, or form at this point but I still have this rebellious/revenge side of me that does not want to give her any edge in anything.

Re: your #5 reply.

My ex worked for a huge medical conglomerate and I refused to go to therapy w/in their confines. Most of their mental health "specialists" sucked. It took a couple of tries w/various therapists outside, but I finally found one who helped me immensely. And all w/o meds!

It's also a really good reason to go to a psychiatrist instead of your regular doctor. And if it were me, I wouldn't even tell my dr I was seeing a therapist, at least for now. Therapists (i.e. LCSWs, LMFTs, LPCs, etc.) are not allowed to prescribe meds. Only psychiatrists are. Many therapists work w/a psychiatrist in order to get the best results for the client. General practitioners (MDs) are rarely trained to dx, let alone treat a patient for emotional issues. (BTD, got overdosed AND misdiagnosed and didn't even get a lousy t-shirt for it.)

Hopefully you discuss your concerns w/your therapist and ask what can be done to prevent your stbx from accessing your records. If you find out later she did look it up, she will have one big fat and very winnable (by you) law suit sitting in her lap.

It's not for everyone, so do your research, but I've really had a lot of success using St. John's Wort supplement. It's sold over the counter, and doesn't have some of the nasty side effects of certain prescription medications. I thoroughly researched it before using it (I am an RN, can't help it) but it is a good option for me. Just a thought.
(((HUGS)))

I certainly see your concern about your stbx looking at your medical records. Can I make one suggestion? Be sure to contact all your doctors and make sure she is off of your medical emergency contact and that she is no longer shown on your records as a person who can obtain information about your medical records. Some people forget about that. I did (not that my ex would ever have gone to get the information).

Also, there are lots of meds that you can take to "take the edge off". Definitely see a psychiatrist. For one, they are the most educated on the medications. A PCP isn't a bad person to go to for general things, but I am a big fan of going to a specialist. Do your research on the psychiatrists, and even ask your therapist as they may have a recommendation for you.

After I got divorced, I broke my arm. I had an infant and two small children working two jobs and then I broke my dang arm at my kid's birthday party at the roller skating rink. I didn't even make it off the carpet. My doctor gave me anti depressants just for a little while. I only took them six months tops and I think they helped. My nature is one of happiness so I see nothing wrong with them

My father was going through a super ugly divorce from my (former) step-monster, and he was absolutely miserable. He would call me or my sister at all hours of the day and night, and blather on and on and on. But he would not talk to a doctor or take any medication. "People of my generation, we just don't do that. We get through our problems on our own." He was on the verge of getting fired from his longtime job. Finally, FINALLY, when he went to his GP for a checkup, my sister went with him, and SHE told his doctor. The doctor gave him a script for Lorazepam. So every time his head started to spiral, and the mental "noise" got too loud, he took a tab and settled right down. And it made all the difference.

Second thing: Depression is a medical condition. It isn't a weakness. If you broke your arm you wouldn't say "I was weak and went to a doctor and got a cast." "I got cancer, and I was weak and got chemotherapy."

I worried in exactly the same way as you. "Artificial happiness". Now I know better. It doesn't work that way. I went on antidepressants, and it changed my life. CHANGED MY LIFE! Give it a try. If, after a few months you find it's not for you, stop. But I swear to you, as God is my witness, you will be glad you did.

I swore that I would never take meds again after a bad experience with them years ago. But the break up was so much more intense and I got to the point where I lost a lot of weight wasn't functioning well at home or at work. After length talks with my Dr. I did go on Zoloft. I still feel the pain, but I am better able to deal with it and put it in perspective. I'll come off them likely in the next couple of months, but it been really helpful for me and I have not had any side affects (other than vivid dreams, which are rather entertaining!).

Thanks for everyone's replies. I am moving more towards taking "something" to help in the short term.

At happymama's suggestion, after doing a bit of research, I think I will start by trying a St. John's Wort supplement. It would be great if a natural, OTC supplement is able to provide me a slight boost in mood.

If that fails after a week or two and I am still struggling, I will contact my doctor for a next step.

Stepping, it is crucial that you can NOT take St. John's Wort , 5HTP or any other herbal supplements that can affect serotonin or the other natural 'feel good' receptors located in the brain with an anti-depressant. That can cause all kinds of problems. So if the natural remedies don't work, be sure and tell your dr you were on them, how long you were on them and how long you have been off of them BEFORE you start a prescription.

I'd also add that St. John's Wort interacts with many other medications, not just antidepressants, so definitely make your provider aware.

Thank you very much MyTrueColors and whatjusthappenedhere for the warnings. I did read through the list of potential side effects and drug interactions for St. John's Wort on 2 or 3 different websites. Right now I am not taking any medication other than Flonase for seasonal allergies.

I will probably start the SJW on a half-dosage for a couple days, make sure I am not having any adverse reactions, then go to full. I'll monitor myself closely. If I decide it is not working, I will definitely let a doctor know I've been taking it before accepting any kind of prescription meds.

But thank you both for looking out for my well-being! Good people here.