Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
A friend said something to me when we were talking and it really got my mind running about pride in general. This isn't really a question more of an observance of how different people are. Feel free to add anything you want. Quick run down for those that do not know me. My guy officially ended thing February 23rd . I was able to get a very good conversation out of him last Sunday. What I assumed would be our last one and give me my closure. It did not quite turn out that way. He left me simply because he could no longer handle the stress and responsibility of being in a relationship. No cheating, no drugs like others suspected. I'm 38 hes 52 if it matters.He does not want to be with anyone right now he said. The last few months we were together were rough. He had a lot of stress which I did not take into account and so did I and I know I was leaning on him for everything. On his end he was starting to act like an ass. He tries to put all the blame on himself but I think we both could have done better. Anyhow I love him and I decided for me I am not giving up yet. Told him as much. Now as I am telling my friend this she says there is no way I would do that. I have way to much pride to chase after someone who says their life is better right now without me. Got me thinking about pride and wonder how many people have used that word to give up. I told her how I felt and in the end we just agreed to disagree.
I told her I have Pride. I am proud of myself that I am going to continue to fight for what I want. I did not make this decision lightly and I am aware it can end very badly and with a lot of pain for me. I am proud that I did not let my emotions cloud my judgement to much on this one and I sat down with myself for almost two days meditating writing thoughts out setting boundaries for myself. I am proud that I was able to set those boundaries and I know I will stick to them. Simple things like if he does start dating again I will have to walk away no matter how I feel, I must give him space to figure out his own head(this one is hard for me), and I have given myself a time limit that if he still has not come around to the point of at least wanting to do lunch and start slow in 3 months then I have to walk away. I am proud of how much strength I found in myself recently to go against my natural instinct and to have patience. I know I was clingy at the end. I want so much to call him every day but I will not. One of my rules for myself is every 3 days if not more in between calling him for now. I am proud of me for using that time in between talking to him to work on me which I had sorely been neglecting lately. I have been trying to learn how to type and looking into schools. Yes he might have said he doesn't want a relationship but he also said there was a part of him glad I was not giving up. I have asked him three times now if he wants me to stop calling and give up. I made it known if he can tell me yes and not any other bullshit with it I would hang up and leave him alone. So far his answers have been I am to tired to answer that question, it would probably be better if you did, and If I tell you yes would it really make a difference. I am proud of myself for not letting that discourage me because he never once said yes leave me alone. I am proud of myself because when I called the second time after our serious conversation he did not answer the phone and I did not panic. That would have been something I might have done towards the end of us being together. I left no crazy phone message on his phone. I just decided in my head if he calls wonderful if not I guess it was not meant to be and I did my best. He did call back by the way.
I just found it interesting the completely different opinions and I can see both sides. I feel proud for going after what I want, taking the risk(and I know its a huge one), and I feel like I am making myself a better person in general learning how to be patient and give space. She on the other hand felt going after someone like that would be just humiliating and that girls do not chase a guy. Said that if someone said she should quit then she would. Said for her she would rather be without them than loose her pride like that.
I told her I have Pride. I am proud of myself that I am going to continue to fight for what I want. I did not make this decision lightly and I am aware it can end very badly and with a lot of pain for me. I am proud that I did not let my emotions cloud my judgement to much on this one and I sat down with myself for almost two days meditating writing thoughts out setting boundaries for myself. I am proud that I was able to set those boundaries and I know I will stick to them. Simple things like if he does start dating again I will have to walk away no matter how I feel, I must give him space to figure out his own head(this one is hard for me), and I have given myself a time limit that if he still has not come around to the point of at least wanting to do lunch and start slow in 3 months then I have to walk away. I am proud of how much strength I found in myself recently to go against my natural instinct and to have patience. I know I was clingy at the end. I want so much to call him every day but I will not. One of my rules for myself is every 3 days if not more in between calling him for now. I am proud of me for using that time in between talking to him to work on me which I had sorely been neglecting lately. I have been trying to learn how to type and looking into schools. Yes he might have said he doesn't want a relationship but he also said there was a part of him glad I was not giving up. I have asked him three times now if he wants me to stop calling and give up. I made it known if he can tell me yes and not any other bullshit with it I would hang up and leave him alone. So far his answers have been I am to tired to answer that question, it would probably be better if you did, and If I tell you yes would it really make a difference. I am proud of myself for not letting that discourage me because he never once said yes leave me alone. I am proud of myself because when I called the second time after our serious conversation he did not answer the phone and I did not panic. That would have been something I might have done towards the end of us being together. I left no crazy phone message on his phone. I just decided in my head if he calls wonderful if not I guess it was not meant to be and I did my best. He did call back by the way.
I just found it interesting the completely different opinions and I can see both sides. I feel proud for going after what I want, taking the risk(and I know its a huge one), and I feel like I am making myself a better person in general learning how to be patient and give space. She on the other hand felt going after someone like that would be just humiliating and that girls do not chase a guy. Said that if someone said she should quit then she would. Said for her she would rather be without them than loose her pride like that.
I didn't give up until there was no hope. She decided to go against everything she told me...like she wants to be alone for a while with no romantic relationships so she can work on herself. Unfortunately, she decided that the best way to work on herself was to have a relationship and fall in love again...while we are still living together.
I'm not saying this to discourage. It's important for you to do what you have to do. I did everything I could and now I can be confident that our failed marriage is all on her. My self worth is barely intact but it is because I put forth the effort. Only you know when you have to let it go.
Good luck and stay positive.
Our friends see so much that we don't. We are emotional and right in the middle of everything. Our friends are on the outside looking in and see things we don't even notice. It's always a good idea to listen to what they have to say.
When I speak of pride involving myself, to me it also refers to my dignity and my self respect. If a man I'm in a relationship with tells me he doesn't want to be in that relationship with me any more, then he's gone and I've got to move one for myself. I'm not going to be telephoning him several times to obtain \reasons or giving him more time to think about it. My pride is going to have me begin my life without him and try to progress and if he changes his mind and wants me back in the future, I may not be available and I may not want him back, but I'm not begging anyone to love me or to stay. It's a good way to look at things.
Some folks have trouble allowing enough time and space between themselves and the other person, I think, because they are in denial about the breakdown of the relationship. I put the X-husband out of here in late August 2005 -- after 23-1/2 years of marriage -- and just 3 weeks after he gave notice that he "no longer loved me and had no feelings for the marriage anymore." Shocked and devastated are too mild to describe how I felt at the time -- like the man you describe, he INSISTED that he wanted to leave our marriage for his own personal happiness; that I was truly an amazing woman and that this had NOTHING to do with ME; that is was all about HIM.
From the get-go, my therapist advised me "he is no longer privy to your thoughts or your feelings! NO CONTACT is the only way either of you will ever come to terms with this." My mind still couldn't rest and I did very poorly on the No Contact thing. In retrospect, I can see where all it accomplished was to keep myself in a constant state of high anxiety and deep despair.
Three months later, I discovered that he had been involved with a co-worker for Godonlyknows how long BEFORE he made his devastating announcement to me. Then I got angry. But STILL -- I couldn't keep the No Contact thing, although now I had an attorney who has seen this kind of thing many, MANY times in her practice.
Finally the lightbulb went on for me -- 9 long months after the day I put him out of here -- and I filed for divorce. I had finally reached the point of ACCEPTANCE that the marriage was over and there was no chance of us ever reconciling. In that same 9 months it became evident that any attempt for meaningful conversation with him was a waste of time and energy; that all it did was prolong the pain and agony. I found a piece on reaching CLOSURE and it was particularly helpful to me.
CLOSURE isn't something that you can give to someone else or that someone else gives to you. It usually comes a long way past the point of breakup and/or divorce and it isn't like a huge "Ah Hah!" moment or anything like that. When you run into your X somewhere -- say the grocery store -- and you look at him and don't feel ANYTHING abut them one way or another -- THAT is when you have reached the point of CLOSURE. It can only come from within.
The divorce was final in mid-March 2007. I can see now where it took me about 3 years past that point to feel any real sense of closure. And it was only after I had reached the point of FORGIVENESS that it started to happen.
I will keep you and BlueKnight69 in my thoughts and prayers. If you don't have a counselor or therapist, I strongly recommend you find and start working with one to help you get through this difficult period in your life. Gather your support network around you and tell them that you are hoping they will comfort you during this time -- don't put on a brave face and be fearful of showing your vulnerability. This is the hard stuff of life and you can't do it alone!
It can protect or it can wound.
Pride is one of those things we must ALWAYS keep in balance and check against reality.
For me, my husbands pride is what is causing him to make the horrible choices he is making. He has allowed his pride of self to blurr his thinking. Instead of bringing him good, it is creating a very negative reaction in his and by extention, our lives.
His pride would have better been utilized if he had used it for the betterment of the family as a whole.
I have to agree with Time. I think you are hurting yourself in the end, but it is your decision. I don't think pride comes into it at all. I think it's hard to stand by and watch close friends be in a bad relationship. Sometimes you just want to give them a reality slap to knock them to their senses. Your friend is your friend. She's trying to help you through this difficult time, but you insist on staying in it. Make no mistake, by waiting around for him and calling him every 3 days, you are in a relationship with him, but he's not in one with you because he broke up with you. Please find a good therapist to work through these issues with. It won't hurt you. No therapist is going to tell you to end the relationship. They'll help you explore your reasons for wanting to continue this one-sided relationship in the first place. You say he never told you to go away. Maybe he's just trying to be nice because he doesn't want to hurt you any more than he already has. I think you need to take his hint and back off and give him no contact until he wants contact again. Hopefully by then you will have moved on.
I haven't seen too many positives in pride. It's usually a roadblock and less the road paver.
To be patient, and go after what you want is not pride, it's drive and commitment. Whether things turn out how you had hoped, is another thing. It's commendable, but also realize that it may become a fruitless crusade. The key is to know when to say you've given it everything you have, and now it's time to walk away.
I'm certainly not hoping that's the case for your situation, but something to keep in mind.