Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is going to sound pretty complicated and confusing but I need help. I have a situation with an ex. It's a long story but the background is that we were close friends for years. I got in a serious relationship with someone and my friend flat out disappears on me. He wouldn't talk/text etc with me at all for a couple years. Then we reconnect recently. The friendship picked back up and I decided to give us a try. We had a great connection and I felt is regret not seeing where it went. One issue for me was intimacy with him. I ran pretty hot and cold with him to be honest. We didn't have the physical passion, well I didn't. I had a hard time moving away from being friends to more.
Needless to say, as of fall we didn't work. I had some things go upside down in my life and I broke it off. I thought he took it well. He kept saying "take all the time you need". That concerned me but I haven't seen him since fall. I was concerned because he exhibits traits that he's almost obsessed with me as I will explain. I'm not going into details with incidents now but there's been a few with him getting violent/scary with me. Now it's April and I hear from him. As we are texting, he talks like we are together. He says he's been looking for houses for us. Different plans he has for us. He's been known to stalk and get kind of scary so I am treading lightly now. I'm scared. He hasn't done anything yet but he knows where I live. Any advice on how I can have this go smoothly? Thank you!!
Needless to say, as of fall we didn't work. I had some things go upside down in my life and I broke it off. I thought he took it well. He kept saying "take all the time you need". That concerned me but I haven't seen him since fall. I was concerned because he exhibits traits that he's almost obsessed with me as I will explain. I'm not going into details with incidents now but there's been a few with him getting violent/scary with me. Now it's April and I hear from him. As we are texting, he talks like we are together. He says he's been looking for houses for us. Different plans he has for us. He's been known to stalk and get kind of scary so I am treading lightly now. I'm scared. He hasn't done anything yet but he knows where I live. Any advice on how I can have this go smoothly? Thank you!!
Contact your local police dept and ask them if they offer any self defense classes. And take them. Ask if its legal to carry mace or pepper spray. if it is, get some and keep it on you at all times. Tell them why you want it. They won't be able to do anything until he does something, but it wouldn't hurt to tell them. They may be able to advise you of other safety measures you can take.
If he has ever been arrested or convicted of DV, stalking or anything else, let the police know you are afraid you are his next target.
Do not erase any of the texts. You need to document everything you can, especially the times when he got violent. Dates, times, as many details as possible.
Until you do all of the above, act like nothing is wrong. But keep communication to the bare minimum. Tell him you're swamped at work or school, etc.
Do NOT make a date to meet him. Be on guard in case he 'surprises' you and shows up at your house or at work. Have emergency numbers programed into your phone & get an app that will contact police with a quick tap.
if he ever had a key to you house/apt, get the locks changed ASAP. Be sure to reinforce any sliding glass doors, and windows. Maybe even get some kind of alarm system.
Also change the route you take to work or school every day. Make sure you do nothing out of habit or consistently any more. If your car key has an alarm button, keep your keys handy at all times. If he knows where you work, inform your employer you may have a stalker and ask for that someone escort you to & from your car every day.
I know this sounds drastic, but better safe than sorry, especially since he's already known as a stalker and he's been violent.
Also there is a physical & emotional abuse group here on DS that you might want to check out.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group
Please stay safe!
I will only add that should you really want it to be over, then don't entertain the conversations. You said you didn't post everything and thats fine, but from the little you posted, it seems really confusing to me that months after it was "over" out of the blue he texts and says what he says. Now, depending on the content of the conversation and how and when the comment was made, may not really be anything to worry about. Example, the conversation between you leads to both of you talking about the past, wishing things worked out, how you hold out hope it works out, etc. Then one says, "Yeh, as I am driving I think about how this house would have been great for us..."
I can't fault a conversation like that.
So again, don't entertain the conversation as if he is as sensitive and the relationship was / is as volatile as you say, then any little thing you breathe he will hang hope on.
Its best to keep any texts / convos to a minimum if you really want it over and him out of your life. Otherwise, its just an open door for him to think he can walk through.