You are brave and I commend you for seeking answers to your concerns. I read it - but truly, I read about every topic out there that has to do w/humanity and this topic it's old and has been hot for many many years - it's just now coming more and more to light. There is a huge community of swingers out there - and though I haven't personally explored this life - the thought process behind me doesn't freak me out - is not for everyone and honestly - in a permanent relationship setting - it wouldn't be for me. I always said that if I ever - ever did anything lk this - I would not be emotionally involved w/the other person - it would be purely physical and about pleasure. I am not cut to share - though I know that many many ppl out there are successfully doing this. More power to them.

Now to your concer - do not fool yourself into thinking that you can change the core of who you are. I was once in a relationship with someone who was showing signs of liking this lifestyle and I fooled myself into thinking that I could overlook this (though this person wasn't open about it - but I just knew he was a candidate for this) - anyways, the point is - I tried to stay in the relationship thinking I could be open minded enough, accomodating, enough, etc - I WAS SO WRONG. See, this isn't something we can just turn off and on - our ideas on sex - marriage, etc, take a long, long time to shape up, it's driven by our upbringing and other factors - is not something that we just go from one extreme to the other just b/c or to accomodate another person.

My suggestion to you is to give your situation a lot of consideration - and ask yourself are you cut to participate in this world or allow him to pursue even if solo - if you answer is NO - don't fool yourself.

A 20 year marriage goes through a lot of changes in the sex department but if you aren't cut for this world - the lenght of the marriage is not relevant. Me personally, I would not interfere with another person's sexual desire - I would set him free so he can be happy - part of loving someone is letting them pursue whatever makes them happy.

Good luck :)

Hi Noti: I'm glad you were able to speak honestly about the heart of the problem and you probably feel better to get it out.

I went on a polyamory site (not the one you posted) and did some reading. It suggested that you get advice from people in polyamorous relationships of more than one year. Sadly, I don't qualify as that and I'm monogamous.

I also looked and saw that there is information involving the LGBT community and polyamory together as many polyamorous relationships are typically bisexual. That's another place to look for info too.

I also want to mention that polyamory has been brought up right here on D.S. in the Bisexuality Board and that may be another board for you to go on and post. Here is the link to one of the polyamory posts there if you want to go into that one. You just click on the green link and it will take you right into it.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bisexuality/forum/17383235-polyamory

What I can tell you is that this is a board that has handled monogamous relationships in separation and divorce so far, with the exception that spouses have cheated and left for other persons. I personally am monogamous.

We had someone here whose husband was trying to push them to become a swinger and they did not want to do it, and they continued to push and it was the downfall of their relationship.

I'm not sure what you and your husband are expecting of each other that is causing a problem right now. If he is upset that you are in love with the other woman and also in love with him, then that has created a problem. If you want him to get involved with the woman you are in love with, he may not want to do that because swinging appears to be a booty call. If he wants you to become a swinger, that is a problem because you have found the woman you are in love with.

If would seem to be time to have an honest sit down with your husband and discuss the situations, compromise and any alternatives that can be worked out. But you both must be comfortable with what you do sexually, otherwise it will not work out and probably end the marriage.

Please understand I'm monogamous and tried my best to give you some resources to consider to perhaps get the best advice from. I also read there are polyamorous communities and you may be able to get counseling from a polyamorous therapist there to help too and don't count that out. After reading, I personally would prefer you to get advice from polyamorous people, to talk to people who have been swingers for a long time and get a feel for both sides. I wish you the best and many hugs.

Thank you for your thoughtful responses!

Milliejay - I actually have zero issue with sharing him. It's something I take great joy in, seeing him happy and giddy about another woman. Seeing the confidence boost that he gets from it. But I am afraid that I am trying to change him beyond what he is comfortable and/or capable of. He's okay with sharing me physically, but once emotions start to get involved, he gets jealous. He realizes that it's a double standard, that he wants his freedom but has difficulty in allowing me the same. He has even decided that after this latest go round that he won't date separate anymore. I feel like this is a step backwards from where I want to be. I like him to go out and be happy. I don't want to deny him. I have actually ended 3 relationships now for him, very painful for all involved. :(

Astimegoesby - thank you for the link! I hadn't thought of the LGBT forum since I'm not really bi, but that's a great idea because there is so much overlap with the poly community. Unfortunately so far I haven't found another forum like this that is for divorce questions within the poly community. Partly that is due to the fact that even the word 'poly' has become a trigger point for H. It's hard to join into a community when H completely rejects it (even though he knows and is friends with many people in the community.) And I'm just really confused because I love my H dearly, he's a wonderful man and I hate the idea of ripping apart my family, even though we have been fighting so much lately.

I'm not into swinging, but I do believe...whatever the core values a couple has that don't match...THAT is cause for concern, regardless of what the value is.

For me, one that comes to mind, is my life with my son and how important and involved I am in his life. If I was in a serious relationship with someone who didn't think parenting was a big deal, or important, that would be a core value for me that I can't bend on, and I wouldn't expect him to either...I just wouldn't be with that person. Same can go for employment, religion, family, etc...whatever IT is that is important and CORE to you, those, to me, are the unshakeable parts of our foundations.

I think to change key areas of who you are as a human being is a big sacrifice to make for someone. To me, that goes beyond compromise, etc.

Hi Noti: I've continued to think about this because sometimes, something else will come to mind.

I kept digging and found an online forum (below) that I wondered if it might help you. If you go to the "Golden Nuggets" section, it contains resources too. Also, there are different sections to it--I kept thinking there has to be a board like D.S. where you can talk about your situation with others that are polyamorous and get some feedback who truly understand. I hope the site will be of some value.


http://www.polyamory.com/forum

Thank you for answering my question. I feel like I was just struck dumb. Like uhhhhhhhhhh. Lol. I didn't even know such a thing existed or was possible.

Understood - the rules, outlook or style aren't meshing to well ya'll can carry out this lifestyle without complications. I won't elaborate further b/c like ATGB said, you are better served by ppl who are also part of this lifestyle - they can relate to your situation better.

Good luck :)

Well okay. Exchanging some notes in the other group but it seems to be very limited in their exposure to this lifestyle as well.

On my first thread, one of you pointed out that many of the feelings and issues are the same. I took that to heart, and I do think that is pretty much true. Arguing about money is the same, just as how divorce might affect the kids is the same.

I've appreciated the help in this group so far, and I hope I can still post in here occasionally anyway since I can't find any other group at this point. :(

No two marriages are alike, but communication, I think, is probably pretty important in most marriages.

What people would find to be acceptable or unacceptable in their relationships is different, but it doesn't make one way right over the other, necessarily. After reading your link, I know I would not be able to commit to the poly lifestyle, but I don't begrudge or judge you for it. I also know marriages who argue constantly and that's something I will not do on a daily basis...so what works for me, won't work for others, and vice versa.

Keep posting...we all have something in common here, or we wouldn't be on this board :)