Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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please help

lc1989
lc1989

I've never done this before but I don't have anyone to talk to in depth about this. 5 yrs ago I started dating a friend I met through work. It was an extremely mentally abusive relationship and I left after 7 months. During the few weeks before we ended up getting back together I slept with an old ex to try and move on, something way out of character for me. It ended up back firing and pushed me back into my abusive relationship. When he found out I had slept with someone else the emotional abuse became even worse. It also became physically abusive on two seperate occasions, once where we had a struggle and another where he was sexually abusive. I was drunk so I don't have any recollection of it, but I left him the day after because I sensed something was not right. A couple weeks later I missed my period and when I reached out to him he told me he had raped me while I was passed out and purposely tried to get me pregnant. I was completely horrified and cut off communtication from him. A few weeks later, I reached out to him after I still hadn't got my period and we discussed what we would do if there was a pregnancy. I told him that I couldn't go through with it. The backlash that I received was too much to cope with so again I cut off communication. I ended up finding out that I was pregnant and going through with the abortion process without telling him or anyone except one friend for support. I feared for my safety if he found out so I kept it from everyone, even to this day. After all of this I still went back and we dated briefly before he left for basic. It's been 4 yrs since he left and we have been broken up the entirety of this time but we still text sometimes and we have seen eachother a handful of times while he's been in town on leave. He has still continued to be emotionally abusive almost every time mostly because I won't see him or because I won't have sex with him when I do. Yet I still have feelings for him somehow. I know what he is doing is wrong and extremely unhealthy for me but I still find myself getting pulled in by him. We have all the same friends which makes the situation even more complicated. I just want things to be platonic and cordial for everyone's sake. Please help. 

Ghostdancer
Ghostdancer
Won't happen, he enjoys/needs control over you. Manipulation is a huge tool that we don't or refuse to see because we are gratifying our own thought process too which makes the rest of it seem like not too high of a price to put on it.
sjs777
sjs777
given the complexity and unhealthiness of it all i can't help but suggest counselling. it will prove challenging to keep all friends through a separation but don't let that be your only consideration as you health and wellness must come first. you should however know that you're not alone
mirandac
mirandac
I hope you are in therapy of some type to help
Guide you with all of those issues. I also attend
Alanon/Coda that helps with building yourself
back up.

It sounds Like a lot of abuse. There are womens aid/
shelters Too that Offer support groups and one on one
therapy and guidance and a range of services to help
you transition out of Abuse and start to heal, grow and
change. Its a process and it takes willingness to want
to Change paths, HUGS
Stephanie1977
Stephanie1977
These type of people see you as worthless. Trust me. I've been there. Message me if you'd like details I'm not comfortable talking about about right here. You ARE worth more than this and even if it means losing everyone close to you you MUST move on. You can do it and it's easier than staying connected to such a monster. All my best.
JAAKK
JAAKK
You have been given some good advice here: 1.) He is Manipulative/ Controlling, you do not want to be apart of that. These type of people know exactly how to make you keep coming back. Stand up of for yourself, and as hard as it is, just say"NO!" With each "NO" it will start to get easier to say. Do what you can to just walk away, Don't answer the texts or phone calls, turn your phone off. 2.) Seek out Counseling/ Support. Find a good reputable counselor to go see and help you find closure. Find a local support group for rape victims, (there is nothing shameful about getting involved here.) You will be helping yourself recover.You might even make some new friendships. I am going to add one more piece of advice: 3.) Seek out to build yourself a strong Support Team! Family, Friends, Co- Workers who will stand with you. They will encourage you, lift you, support you... Be bold, have courage and faith, let them in and help. You are not made to do this alone.
bslawver
bslawver
When I was reading this I saw myself. I was in a TERRIFYINGLY similar situation that almost ended fatally. Please do not settle for abuse. You are not worthless, you do not 'need' him. You will find a God-fearing man who loves you like Christ loved the church. Please get out before it is too late... this is coming from someone who has been there and was lying on her death bed. I promise it does NOT get better. Especially when he knows you want to be with him and trust him...
lc1989
lc1989
Thank you everyone for the advice and support. I would just like to reiterate that we have been split up for the last 4 years and when I said I still have feelings for him, I did not mean that in a romantic way.
bees2000
bees2000
I married the man who did me this way. I totally understand. It took me years of counseling, but the straw that broke the camels back is when he started in on my child. Don't do like me. Get sway now before he ruins your life and your children's.
Gregory1
Gregory1
That happened to me. I was with my ex for the wrong reasons and have paid the price for it. Since you are going to be a mother, your responsibility is taking care of your child and yourself. Get away from this guy since he is toxic. Both you and your child don't deserve that. And get counseling and find a good support system.
Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211
Please forgive this if it comes out harsh, as I am trying to wrap my head around your situation. He was a manipulative ass. He got you pregnant by raping you. You couldnt stand the thought of having his child around you so you exercised your woman's right and terminated it, and yet you still want to be friends or hang with him to be cordial? Still have feelings for him? Still get pulled in?

Personally, it sounds like you need to run. Run far and run fast. Change phone numbers. Get new friends. Move to a new town. Yikes... And please get counseling. Please get help.
serenityspeaks
serenityspeaks
Well romantic or not i wouldnt have feelings if he raped me so its hard concept for many to get. I would go nc.
lc1989
lc1989
Hello, everyone. Let me clarify a few things as I am much more clearheaded and unemotional since my original posting. These are all past events with the last time I hung out with my ex being over a year ago. I am past our relationship and I still stand by my decision to have the abortion. I've had the past 4 yrs to grieve over everything, to be angry, to be depressed. For my health and sanity, the best thing to do was to forgive him and let go so I could move on. I have made great new relationships and have been able to move on mentally, sexually, and romantically. It's the emotional part I struggle with. I have built up my confidence and feel more comfortable about myself than ever, but I have a very hard time letting people in and trusting anyone. I want there to be a resolution between he and I because I feel like that would help bring me closure. When I mentioned a cordial and platonic relationship before, I meant as mutual acquintances not as friends. The reason I posted initially was because we ran into eachother a few days ago while he's home before deployment. It did not bother me at all until after I left and he texted me with the emotional abuse because I declined an invite to go hang out with him. This is what I meant before when I said I still get pulled in by him. I know he is being irrational and just wants me to get upset and yet I still do it anyway. I am struggling because I'm frustrated that I still care about him as a person. I know he doesn't deserve anything from me. I'm aware that I will probably never get the resolution I am after. I guess at this point I am just looking for advice on how to get closure without that and how to get past my emotional attachment. He has no way to communicate with me and will be gone for deployment so there won't any interactions or distractions. Thanks again for all of the responses and support.
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