I've been dealing with the messiness of my destined split from my ex for over 5 months now.  I used to be very sad about what happened.  But I woke up today having the urge to bitch slap him across his face (I wont).  I am angry, very angry about what has happened.  I got with him when I was 19 years old, I gave him the best years of my life, for what? I sacraficed going to college where I wanted.  I gave up dating and experiencing other men (he was the first guy I went "all the way" with).  I gave up the normal college experience of living in the dorms. I gave up so much, by settling down so young.

Just to be in the course of 8 years broken down, lied to, manipulated and cheated on. I wasnt a perfect girlfriend, but shit I tried. I was never enough, for he was always choosing to go with his friends and when I would complain he would say, "you can come hang out with me and my friends" just to sit there and be bored to tears and ignored. While he flirted with everyone's wives (harmless/joking stuff) and was the life of the party. He couldnt do a single thing with me with out the expectation of getting laid, while he failed to meet every expectation I had.  I was never enough for him, especially sexually.  I am about to get TMI, but he would always remark about how I could be better in bed and that so and so's wife does this and that.  That "normal" couples have sex every day with other sexual acts in between.  My assests were to big or small. And when I put on weight he would remark about as he called it the, "extra cushion".  I constantly failed to meet his expectations of what he said was "normal". How "normal" women keep house, work full time, stay in shape and please their men.  I wasnt "normal" because I didnt want the social life he did.  I wasnt "normal" because of my diagnosis of depression. I wasnt "nomral" because I just wouldnt shut the fuck up and do things his way.  

Our biggest fights were because I wouldnt do things "his way", for example he wanted me to be a stay at home wife. In his mind a woman who went to the gym, tanned, kept house, and would have no excuse not to sleep with him or go out with him when he wanted.  I wanted to go to college, he knew this from day one and he said he supported me on doing this. However, he would always complain that I didnt do things HIS WAY. He never put me first, meanwhile I put him first all of the time. I tried to his definition of normal, I welcomed and entertained his friends when they would come over and clean up the mess afterwards.  I tried to go out like he wanted to, but this girl needs to sleep.  He never appreciated shit I did for him, he never thanked me for the hours of cleaning, cooking, doing the household grocery shopping and doing the stupid amount of laundry he always created.

We used to argue over the holidays, as a child I enjoyed the magic of them.  He hated holidays, due to his familial history (I wont get into that) I can understand why he would. But he wouldnt make the holidays his own, instead he would just bitch about how much money we were spending and how his family were all assholes to him. He would bitch about seeing my family and would be in a miserable mood the whole time.  It was awful, truly awful, he would fight with me all the time.  I would spend most of the holidays in tears.  Last year we got into a fight because I wasnt working (aside from cleaning a house here and there for extra $). He felt I should have done ALL of the holiday shopping by myself because I didnt work, including his family.  I felt it should have been a partnership, team effort go shopping for a team for BOTH of our families.  Instead because I didnt do it is way we fought horrible to the point to where I got out of the car on the main road and walked to my mothers in the cold crying.  

 I will admit I was grateful when he suggested I quit working to attend school full time (if I would have kept going part time, I would have graduated with my bachelors in 2018). I took this opportunity to get done with college as quickly as I could to not take advantage of his offer, so I could return to work asap.  I took 15 to 18 hours a semester and maintained a 3.8 -4.0 gpa, I got scholarships and was on the Dean's list.  I tried so hard to show him that I wasnt squandering away this opportunity (his friends all suggested I would).  However, he would say he was proud but "because you dont work you should do well".  Me not working quickly and school itself quickly became a weapon.  He would want to go out because he didnt want to sit at home and be bored while I was doing homework.  He would make plans to go out days in advanced because he knew I would have homework.  He would invite me knowing I couldnt go because of homework.  Then we would argue about the amount of homework I had and how he was "tired of it". Partially in his defense, I was tired of it too, but the amount of hours I was taking and the program I am in a crap ton of homework is part of the bullet one has to bite. It became to the point he was literally gone all of the time, every night whether I had homework or not.  He would blame my depression, dieting (I lost 30 pounds in early 2016) & needing for himself to blow off steam. I would take care of our home ( litreally everything, down to the lawn work) and our two dogs by myself, I did not have a partner in anything.  He told me in May he didnt want to marry me anymore because of how I handled stress, my depression, and because I needed "help" for how much of a "bitch" I was.  

Then he tells me I need to prove to him that I am marriage material and that I need to change.  He broke me down about how he hated my struggles with my weight, my depression and struggles with completing school. He told me that he was angry for not doing what HE WANTED ME TO DO (SEE ABOVE THE STAY AT HOME WIFE STUFF) and that because I choose to be selfish and go to college and not start a family when he was ready to.  Just to find out in July he had physically cheated on me and was messaging multiple women behind my back trying to get with them.  Telling all of these women how horrible I was and how I was the problem.  

I fucking hate him.  I wish I would have never taken him up for his offer of ice cream 8 years ago.  I want nothing from him, literally nothing.  I didnt deserve any of this. I didnt deserve the emotional and psychological abuse. I deserved none of it. I am enough if not for someone else atleast myself. 

Thank you guys for letting me vent. I am tired of talking about it with my friends/family it just turns into a complaint fest.  I am in therapy once a week, but writing this helps more than talking about it.  Thank you again.