I was in for 30 years it is not easy, the detaching
Is brutal after so many years. I should have left him
13 years ago i kick my butt i was not strong enough
To do it. I would have only been in my 40's not almost
60. The end result was the same and things did not get
Better only much worse. Now i have peace, i am safe
And i am okay and i am very thankful we had no children.
HUGS

Thank you all for the support. I know I will be ok someday I just wish I was at that point now. Sometimes I feel strong but sometimes I am a wreck. I need to stop overthinking about this and relax. I am even staying away from my friends because I don't want to burden them with my problems. I have been in this marriage but living like I'm single for a long time as I do everything by myself. So in my better moments I think I would be ok and that this divorce is just the paper work . But I still need to detach from him emotionally. How to do this while we are still living in the same house. I feel old and unwanted. Should I move out of the house. I don't want to give him any advantage when comes to settlement and I still want to be around to support my children who I know will be devastated when I tell them. They are very close to both of us.

Do you have an attorney? I know lawyers cost money, but this is your future and in this case you sure do need one.

I don't recommend you leave the home until you have a lawyer, have discussed options, and have him served.

He's cheating, there may be a child involved, he may be belligerent, and once he knows you're serious, things get nasty very quickly.

Please find out what your rights are from a lawyer or you will regret it.

Seems this guy already thinks he can do what he wants, when he wants with no consequences. When he's told legally thats not the case, he's not going to like it. And he's going to blame you

When he finds out his days of having his cake and eating it too are over, you will need your strength. Take care of yourself. Yes it's hard, yes you will grieve as we all do, but you don't need to live with this and he brought this on himself.

I suspect too that his reason for still coming home is financial, and boy is he going to be mad when you upset his little apple cart.

You will feel better when you stand up for yourself and say "this is not okay. I will not allow you to treat me this way"

Hi Amanda, I understand some of what you're going through. Although my stbx did not cheat, as far as I know, he was absent from the marriage in many ways, physically and emotionally. There were plenty of nights (still are) when I wondered where he was and when he'd be home. These days, instead of hoping he'll come home soon, I hope he doesn't come home. It took about 2.5 - 3 years to teach myself to detach emotionally from him. I just couldn't believe he could hurt me so much, and was so callous and non-responsive to my pain. When that part was secured, the detachment, I called a few lawyers, picked one, and started proceedings. I did look back for the first 2 months after discussions with the lawyer, because he played the martyr, the victim, but that's stopped thankfully. I joined a divorce support group and that's helped immensely. Once they start trying to screw you financially, it's easier to be angry, and you can let that anger propel you into positive action. My stbx has no motivation to leave, as he has never lived on his own and in terms of emotional development, I think he's like a stunted teenager.

We too built a "dream" house, he cleaned out all of his, mine, and our money and it's actually not yet done. I didn't want him to be financially devastated, but everyone told me to stop caring about him and continuing to be his enabler, his doormat. I listened. We have to sell that dream house, and at this point I don't care. I'm just looking at it all as a financial issue. It's business now.

As far as your children, yes tell them. Everything I read says to tell them together. I tried that, we were all in the living room but he wouldn't say anything to the kids, I had to do it all. When I finished, I looked over to him for a response, maybe something supportive to say to the kids. All he said was "I never wanted this but I guess it's going to happen." Never took an ounce of responsibility and showed he only cared about his feeling. You might try and tell your daughters together, but as your husband is not a stand-up kind of guy, he too may deflect responsibility. I'd try to get him to come clean about those diapers. Your girls have a right to know if they have a sibling.

Also, if there is another child, it might affect you financially, in terms of the division of assets and any spousal support. Know your rights. Do what you need to do to find out if he has another child. Maybe enlist the help of someone trusted who can follow him home from work. Sounds juvenile, but you have to know.

In the end it was all about assets and financial
Considerations. It is very sad to come to that, I
was never in the marriage for money that did
Not propel me or make me do anything, it was
Not a good feeling. Marriage equals dollars
And cents then we Each go our own way.

I hope you have a good therapist and /or
attending a Divorce care group that helps
a lot. Reach out to good loving healthy
people for support. Let yourself grieve
Your losses. HUGS

Thank you all. Sometimes I feel good and sometimes afraid. I don't speak to him at all . When he speaks to me it is about everyghing else other than the problem. It is like it didn't happen and I know he is still visiting this woman . on Friday I am going out of the country for six weeks during which time he will get the petition for divorce. I will not call him or respond to any of his calls. I am looking forward to the time away from him so that I can be myself again.