In my case, I had tried so long and so hard with my X that I hadn't anything left to feel angry about when he went with the last OW, BUT I feel that way when I see the OW in MY place within the X's side of the family (at holidays, birthdays, etc.). His family was great to me and still is, but I have an issue with not being a true part of the family anymore. We all still get along, see each other, visit, etc. but I have somehow lost 'my place' and am floundering with it. I know how you feel. HUGE HUGS to you, RMan!

Oh...Wish.. that makes me sad. Sometimes it's just sheer numbers. After 20 years, I don't have any memory of anyone else. I was committed to this marriage and while I can see myself alone, I can't see myself with anyone else. I don't say this to hinder his progress, I know that he is likely to find someone else, and that is to be expected.
It's more about me, and how I saw myself as his wife for the rest of my life. So, I don't know if it's about possession for me. Its more like this partnership became symbiotic like something that becomes part of you going back in the past and flowing forward into the future. I think, for me, that letting go was so difficult because of that continuity of thought. He is/was part of me. So, cutting that connection, from losing my place in the family to seeing them with another partner is like an amputation. They were once an essential part of you. And now they are not.

It is one of my most perplexing dilemmas....giving a partner their complete freedom to be and yet looking to them to provide certain things for you.

This has become the single most difficult thing to figure out for me in life. I just can't get there. I want my partner to have complete freedom to be themself yet tend to my needs.

I then feel bad for even having needs...

Yup... amputation describes it. Damned phantom pains. *limps/hobbles forward nontheless*

It's all in what stands behind the words or thoughts you have on that other person being "yours". For some it is simply about their "possession" as many look as their partners as "prizes" that they are lucky to have in their life. For others, it could mean like Bridget and Wish have defined for them. Then for some, it is about what that partner brought to them. The daily care and love they were shown, the nice words, goofy times, pet names and everything that encompassed what that other person did for us inside and out. That is what gets to the core of my heart; that at one time they were interested in me enough to show all that; now some one else gets that from them and it was at no doing of my own why I lost it.

I was not in love with her for so long that when she left it was more of a relief then a loss.

That may be true rman. I think what helped me some was realizing that my ex never really belonged to me and any partner in the future wouldn't belong to me. we are just individuals sharing lives at the time.

I guess I struggle with this too-
I feel that that marriage bond is meant to be safe- someone you can be yourself with totally, and know that they still love you. In a sense, you belong to each other, while still being yourself. When the marriage ends- it feels like a rejection of yourself, not just a loss of a possession. In retrospect, m aybe I did put too much of myself, my identity into the relationship. But then again, isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?

interesing question rman...i have to agree with wish and bridget... when you are with someone for so long it is a partnership and you are a part of each other... they no longer are part of you and you do feel like you've lost something that was yours to count on for safety and trust forever... it's a very difficult mindset to change

I can't even imagine the difficulties after living 20+ years with a person. How painful it must be to try to separate your spirit, emotions and physical being from this person. After all, you grew up together, and this partner was FAMILY. Family isn't always biological,..as we all know.

The 12 relationship that just ended was the longest one I've had. I've been unlucky in love for my entire adult life. And, this separation is happening to me at the ripe age of 54.
I'm in survival mode, so I'm finding it easier than most here to separate my life, spirit and love from this person. I'm pulling up memories from the times I was single throughout life, and they are giving me strength.

As I find my insights as to how to detach my spirit, heart and 'old' place I had with this person and family, I'll share. The point is this is a HUGE part of the healing process.

(If this doesn't make sense, it's because I tied one on last night and this hangover is brutal! Bad, bad Teri!!)

sylph..

Your post hit a real nerve for me. I too, give my partner's the freedom to enjoy life, not to stay attached to my hip, ..because life is an adventure, ..a personal journey. And, I revel in being part of their journey.

But, since I've done this, it's actually turned against me in all 3 main relationships I've had. In the end, my partners forgot that I was their partner, had needs and was in their life because we loved each other. They became self absorbed, and soon left.

My current X, was given alot of freedom. ALOT. Two week bike trips with the crew, nights out..blah, blah, blah. Since being on the back of a motorcycle is painful after I few hours, I had to carefully pick what rides I joined in on.
Now, my partner wants the two week bike trip every day, asking the family to go away.

I don't know if I'll ever learn how to give freedom, yet expect alot of care and love in return.

I think if you find a true partnership, both people can have freedom knowing that neither they, nor the other, would ever do anything with that freedom that would cause pain to their partner without careful consideration and communication.

I never thought of my husband as a possession. In any sense of the word. And when he left, I was hurt, but not feeling like I lost anything, after about 24 hours of shock and pain and understanding what ahd hit me so suddenly and unwexpectedly (an affair between him and one of my married employees was outted), I realized that I was much better off without him, so never felt like he was "mine" in any way, shape or form. And if someone doesn't want to be with me, I would never try to "make" them be with me or expect them to be with me or be "pissed" that they weren't with me. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't value me? Just never thought of anyone as belonging to me as a possession, so maybe I should simply be thankful that I don't have to wrestle with that partiuclar problem. I do understand that others have that issue, just wanting to share about my story a little bit is all.