No, but I did get to deal with my 5 year old daughter telling me that she was giving her preschool Mother's Day gift to dad's new girlfriend....

My advice is not to bite. ONLY wish her well. Look at the collage, say, and MEAN "I'm so happy that you have so many wonderful people in your life". Say and MEAN that you're "so glad that she's got a good relationship with her father"....and aren't you?

Instead of writing about how much she's hurt you, I'd write her a letter about how much I love her. The joys of holding her as an infant, etc.

I still get shivers as I hold my 16 year old son, and 13 year old daughter... (Turned out she ate the Mother's Day gift herself. Kids are kids, they won't understand how hard it is to raise them until they have kids of their own. )

I think divorce is a very difficult time for the children. They are not processing this the way you are processing the divorce..
Who knows why she did what she did. Maybe she wanted to make him feel special somehow because in her eye he needed it.
I agree with you that it is hurtful, but I think you shouldn't have written anything to her about it.
II understand that you are in pain, but she is too and she is dealing with it in her own way. Be patient, be there for her, be consistent and she will come around with time.

I don't think it helps to dig, as in look at the collage but don't search for yourself, divorce is a major shift in a kids foundation, maybe not any worse depending upon the age but certainly no better based on age, just different

You & and her brother not being in the collage might not mean anything beyound she counts on you guys being a constant and craves the attention from her father so she seeks it by putting him in the collage

Patti22;

Thanks for replying to my post. I totally agree, and as I said I immediately apologized to both of them. I should have emphasized that I told her so many times how proud I am of her and how much I love her.This was the only time since the divorce that I told her it hurts me when she excludes me. I endured so much verbal abuse during the marriage and it is hard to understand that she can overlook this. My Mother was so kind & wonderful and no amount of money would alienate me from her. But my daughter grew up with great privilege and that is all she knows. It must be very scarey for her to imagine life without the unlimited possessions she has always had. I would like to teach her that being kind to other people is what really matters in life.

There is a huge difference between a five year old and an 18 year old. When my daughter was five we were inseparable and I could never have imagined this happening. My son must be exceptional because he treats everyone with respect regardless of their financial position in life. Remember, all we are is dust in the wind.

I cannot compete financially with her father and it is just so hard to be treated like a doormat day after day when you have dedicated your life to raising a child. Unfortunately, she will find out when she graduates from the elite private school that others will take offense to an attitude of privilege and superiority.

I am sorry to hear that your five year old indicates that she likes her fathers girlfriend more than you. That must really sting and I hope when she gets older she learns to respect you enough to consider your feelings before she says hurtful things.

I was just looking for a little support. I will not not bite again and I will only wish her well. Thanks again for taking time out of your busy day to respond to my post.

I guess I didn't make clear my daughter is 13 now, and my son is 16.

Yes, my daughter learned that it hurt...but it took years.

I've never never put down the girlfriend, even when she called my daughter (at the time age 5) a "bitch".

About five years later, Ramona, the girlfriend, shot and killed herself in front of my ex. My ex didn't want the kids to know it was suicide, my son found out at the funeral (my daughter didn't go). I went to the funeral to support my son. It was the only time I laid eyes on Ramona.

So yeah, it stung for a bit. Then I got over it. Because I figured that no matter what I said, my kids would follow more of what I'd do.

Give your daughter time. Think about the long term and what's most important. And it's not a Mother's Day present or a collage or what's written in a yearbook.

Just my two cents,
Patti

If anyone is experiencing parental alienation, I found this website helpful in learning how to prevent it and live with it:

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html

It is a real problem and its rampant in the US.

I have a 25 year old son that I thought we were as close as we could possibly be! so proud of him! he works nights and has a new baby so I don't get to see him too much. but I found out that he had 4 days off mothersday weekend. I never saw him at all. but he and his wife drove 60 miles to see my stbx the day before mothers day! I didn't even get a phone call much less a card. I don't know what happened or what changed. but it broke my heart. so I do understand. Im choosing to not say anything though. he should see his dad, and I don't want to interfere. guess its something I need to work out I my own emotions. I wasn't the one who wanted out, I wasn't the one who cheated or left with no word for 6 weeks! I showed up to the birth of my sons baby. stbx was nowhere to be found. and now im the one alone. does not seem fair at all. but one day, ill be ok anfd so will you!

As a child of divorced parents, my two cents is the following;

Leave them out of it. Don't make them responsible for your feelings, your happiness or lack thereof.

Simple and obvious, but for some it seems so difficult.

My mother was an emotional woman. She did a lot of damage, and it was my father who was supposed to be the "bad guy".

She needed to be right, she wanted constant validation, and if she didn't get what she thought she deserved, someone was going to pay.

She alienated herself from her children.

furbabymom
This must have been very hard for you. Thanks for your kind words. I hear you when you say you choose not to say anything. You are looking out for your child unconditionally; thats what parents do.

Of course children should not be put in the middle in a divorce. That is usually the problem in regards to parental alienation.

Relationships evolve and you do what you can to keep them alive. If you make a mistake, and we all make mistakes, forgive yourself. We are only human. If you write Welcome on your forhead, dont be surprised if people use you as a door mat. No one deserves that.

As others have mentioned, your daughter is trying to cope with the divorce and have her own life and self at this time in her life.

All I can say is that no amount of money would have caused me to love one of my parents more or less.

I did eventually go to live with my maternal grandmother though, just to escape the drama and tension.

Your journal could have been written by me. My daughter refused to talk to me. She moved out of town just to get away from me. I know she came home every weekend. She was studying at a university almost two hours away. I gave her space and time she needed. She is living with me now. Give her time and space. She does that because she knows that you will always be there for her. She does not know if her father is. She is trying to hang on to a semblance of a relationship. But one day, she will get fed up with him and then he will be all alone. Just like my ex. My kids do not have much to do with him. In fact, they rarely call him.

I don't agree with everything on that list. For example, 3 is BS. It's not the job of the custodial parent to keep the other parent informed. If your ex has custody, give your child's schools and whatever activities they're in, your email. Mass emails are standard these days. Many teachers are happy to communicate by email (Remember teachers may have 25 other students in elementary school and a couple hundred in high school.) As for the doctors...pick up the phone and call.

As for telling kids "everything", I ....sort of...disagree with this. I'm not a fan of "family secrets". If dad cheated...the kids will find out sooner or later...it might as well be from me.

But that doesn't mean that this needs to get discussed more than once (unless the kids bring it up...which they won't). And it does mean that this is the time to put on your big girl (or boy) pants and discuss choices without condemning anyone. If the marriage fell apart because one parent was a complete jerk...the kids will learn this on their own. You don't need to be the one to tell them. Support your kid and say that YOU loved the other parent ALSO...so you get it.

I do agree that "visitation" isn't an option. Anymore than school is an option, or the doctor is an option.

About extracurricular activities. NO ONE has a right to tell you what you do with your kids on "your time". No soccer final, music recital...none of it. You or your ex can sign the kids up for whatever you want...on your own time. So get together and talk to your ex and agree, or get over it.

My attitude was this: As soon as the divorce went through...my ex was my children's FATHER first, and my ex last. Whatever hurt my ex...hurt my kids.

Awesome Patti22. You're kids are lucky indeed.

The other thing I'd like to add is this. If you and your ex can agree on discipline, bedtimes and such...great. Do that.

Most don't agree on everything. Get over it.

I told my kids this: Follow House Rules.

Kids CAN learn more than one set of rules to follow. They're probably already used to different rules at school, at grandma's, at church, and at every single one of their friend's houses...learning different rules between you and your ex isn't difficult.

Will your kids try to tell you want they're allowed to do at other places? Sure! They're kids. That's not going to get them very far at school. If you let it sway you around...it's your OWN issue...not your ex's. (The exception to this are kids with autism, and severe mental retardation.) The school isn't going to let them go up the slide backwards no matter how many times they beg, or how many other places they're allowed to do it. If it's a non-issue...your kids will drop it.

And yes, it was frustrating when my ex continually let the kids stay up until midnight when their bedtime here was 8pm. But he also had step kids running around, and they were up later. It would have singled my kids out if they were the only ones put to bed. Remember that your ex lives a different life from you now, and not every decision is made because they're a jerk.

Atpeacemary
Thank you for your kind reply. I will give my daughter space . . . I love her so much. Thinking back to when I wa a teenager - way way back, ha ha, I can remember what a confusing time it was. I will always be there for her and yes, youre right, she does know that. I worry that she will get hurt but it is time to back off and let go. We have been okay this past week. She told me she is so happy and that she wants to live forever. Not the words of a cconfused young woman in crisis stressing over her parents divorce. In June she's leaving to tour Europe with her friends before starting college. She is not obsessing; its me. This was my first post on this website. I justed needed to talk about this and I am glad that a few people did understand. Wow. I have responded kindly to posts from other people. Isnt that what this site is supposed to be about? Im not a psychiatrist so I dont feel qualified to counsel or scould anyone, nor would I want to do that to a person in pain. Thank you again.